four yellow cars kind of day....

New York Cabs
Originally uploaded by m4rco.

i just finished reading that haddon book, the curious incident of the dog in the night time. the autistic boy in the book has this heartbreaking way of determining what kind of day he's going to have by the number of red or yellow cars he sees while riding the bus to school. five consecutive red cars means a super good day... four yellow cars means a black day...

1:14 a.m. says the clock on my computer. the clock on the wall is stuck at 6:45 - the short hand's at 6, the long hand's at 9 and hovering above it, the seconds hand is just stuck, still clicking away, like a needle stuck in a groove...

yesterday morning, before i got the email from miss lori, the paloma woke us up at 3:13 a.m. because she had to go potty. she went back to sleep and then, the porkchop woke up and finally got himself back to sleep. by then, i really couldn't get back to sleep. when i started to fall back asleep, everyone was starting to rise and shine at their regular rousing hour, 7 ish... so, things started their general descent around 3:15 a.m.

i don't usually write about "this stuff" because well, i'm living it. but, i'm alone right now and i don't feel well physically. and i usually use writing this blog to escape from the dark realities of the trial by fire parenthood with humor and/or distraction.

and there were so many parenting things, too many to list, that i learned the hard way. and i guess i thought that raising a second child would be a little easier because we already had one. we had 2.5 years of basic training under our belt so, basic stuff - diaper changing, feeding, bathing - i figured, we'd know. and we do know stuff, but the porkchop is so different from the paloma in so many ways.... in so many basic ways... like, oh, i don't know, one's a girl, the other is a boy.

two of the common things i heard were a) that is the perfect age difference in children, they'll play together b) it's hard but it'll get easier when she's in preschool.

well, what's plan B? what happens when they don't play together? what happens when they do play together and HATE it? or what happens when you can't find one thing that will occupy both of them, separate or together, with or without you, happily or even satisfactorily? what happens when it's not easier when she's in preschool because she's SO much happier there that she doesn't want to be home?

this is the kind of stuff that sends all three of us off the deep end. this is the stuff that for some reason starts the paloma kicking the cat and/or saying things like "I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T LIKE ME AND YOU ARE NOT MY BEST MOMMY!" which starts the porkchop shrieking, like the day he got circumcised, because he hates loud noises, which in turn, starts the aching of my head or my tummy (right now, both) and the sadness and the disappointment and the hatred and frustration and the worry and the regrets and the misgivings... and the thin man gets home and says something that comes out like an insult but was just a thought without a direction or a meaning.... when it gets so bad that even when i pray (and i pray A LOT. sometimes at the top of my lungs into a pillow), i feel completely empty and lost... no, not lost.

...abandoned.

speaking of abandoned, i wrote a post in september re: finding out bad news about three really good friends of mine via grapevines or blog posts. i called my friend, tuesday morning to check in again and to see how her mother was doing. she answered the phone, with that frog in her throat and that crack in her voice and i knew that her mom was gone. she had passed away early that morning. my friend's father passed away in dec '04 and now, her mother is gone too. she has no siblings. i imagine her at home, finally alone, waiting for the time when she has to say goodbye all over again. i need to kidnap her and take her to vegas...

i also talked to my other friend who's marriage to another friend is in trouble. we had a big fight about it actually. i really didn't feel confident about how he was handling it all. he was contemplating moving out because she thought it was a good idea. he was giving me this crap about how they still loved each other but they needed to fix themselves before they could fix their marriage. he promised me that he would do everything he could to stay home and that he would call me to update me on their progress. i never got an update call back so i hoped that things were getting better... slow and steady, wins the race and all... well, yesterday, i just happened to glance at his myspace page and a friend of his had commented "...Hope life is treating you well and the new pad is comfy."

i guess they made a decision. i can't believe i actually stood next to this guy and basically promised his bride, his family and god that he was a standup dude. that he was worthy of her and that the vows he made were set in stone. he made a liar out of me. for some reason, again, i feel abandoned.

and angry. i'm SO angry. i've never loved a friend so much that made me this angry. oh wait, there was one other person. (remember her, honey? yeah, the reason we broke up that THIRD time....)

i'll just pray i suppose. pray for my friends. pray for my family. pray for stupid people. pray for innocent people. pray for the cold church down the road that i attend anyway even though it bores me to tears with its ambivalence.

2:03 a.m. says the clock on my computer. and i actually feel a little better. i have a day ahead of me. i used to have one of those HUGE buttons that you could pin on that said "have a day". it also had a yellow circle face on it that had this blank expression, O_O.

i want to have a good day, a nice day. but, i will settle for just a day. a two yellow & two red cars kind of day...

i just really don't think i can handle another day like yesterday.