Monday, October 30, 2006
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.
i wake up this morning...
i check my email...
i check to see what my favorite bloggers have been up to o'er the weekend...
i check my sitememter to make sure my one reader (you know who you are, mr/ms random hicksville, earth) checked in today and hmmmm...
what's this? hits from daddytypes and bloggochicago? ...AND THEY'RE LINKING TO ME ABOUT A MISSING WIGGLE AND DEPENDS PORN - THE FRONT MAN FOR A TODDLER BAND WITH NO STREET CRED AND A GERIATRIC FETISH!!??? - SH*T! F*CK! P*SS!
[looks into mirror, takes deep breath]
i'm going to post a terrific blog today! and i'm gonna help people! because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!
[looks back at monitor]
hello all! i'm mamazilla! well, i'm still receiving some new visitors from linkage generated by my worthless $.02 on the disappearance of greg page aka the yellow wiggle and encouraging depends porn. but that's o-kay. i have to give myself permission to spread useless information and unsavory blog comments every now and then.... o-kay.
for those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that i don't have interviews or guest bloggers, i always post alone and that's... o-kay. in honor of my new visitors, i would like to try something new today. something i was not ready to do yesterday.
see, yesterday God said, "mamazilla, i can get you a guest that you would be insane not to interview on your blog." so I decided to take a risk - in life, you have to take risks - so, today i have a guest to interview and her name is "daytona beaverlodge" - i'm changing her name to protect her anonymity.
MZ: daytona is a famous socialite, reality tv star and the future owner of a multinational hotel chain. well, that's very good, daytona, you should be very proud of yourself.
DB: well, thank you, mamazilla. i am.
MZ: well, good for you! good for you! um, daytona i know there must be a lot of pressure for you to look very good in person, and i can imagine that the night before a party, you must lie awake thinking, "i'm not thin enough.. everybody's smarter than me... prettier than me... i'm not going impress anyone... i have no business being alive..."
DB: well... um, not really. i have a prescription for...
MZ: daytona, denial ain't just a river in egypt. knowhatimsayin?
DB: i know where egypt is! there aren't any rivers there! those are trick questions. oh! but the venetian has a river in it. is that denial river? anyway, you know, sometimes i get nervous when i'm in egypt and i have to make an appearance at some really big rave or benefit or premiere or something and i find out that my XBFF is going to be there.
MZ: i thought so. and that's... o-kay. you're not alone. believe me, i know what it's like... laying there alone... all those tapes rolling: "i'm a fraud... tomorrow, i'm going to be exposed for what i am, a big imposter... i just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat veggie booty."
DB: well.. something like that... except the eating. i don't eat. and the laying in bed alone thing... no. way.
MZ: right. well, daytona, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and i want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive - a daily affirmation.
DB: afromation? is that that new hairstyle from japan with the crinkle extentions? THAT'S HAWT!
MZ: no. affirmation. AF. UR. MAY. SHUN.
DB: affirmation? that's a really dumb name for a hairstyle.
MZ: yes. now, look in the mirror. come on, don't look at me. only you can help you. [DB looks in mirror] that's it. Say, "hello, daytona."
DB: "hello daytona"
MZ: "i don't have to abuse alcohol, share needles, prostitute myself, pretend to say idiotic things..."
DB: "i don't have to be a drinking, drugging, idiotic whore."
MZ: "i don't have to be cruel to animals, or binge and purge..."
DB: "i don't have to use animals as fashion accessories or stay a size 0...""
MZ: "because all I have to do is be the best par... i mean, daytona i can be."
DB: "all i have to do is be the best paris i can be."
MZ: "because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"
DB: "because i'm HAWT and people like me!"
MZ: now, don't you feel better?
DB: yeah. i'm so glad my agent told me to do this to get in touch with the middle america people and the moms and the chinese. it's so cool.
MZ: daytona, i'm filipino.
DB: whatever. look, you've reminded me that i'm a very happy, good looking person. i mean, i'm a blessed person, i'm like... holy... or something. my mom and dad give me money. i have a tv show. i make normal people, like you, famous just by being seen with them. and i give other people good feelings. and i inspire other people to help other people achieve their dreams.... i make people, like other girls and women, want to get up in the morning and shower and put on makeup and dress cool and stuff.
MZ: i... i am just a fool... i... i don't know what i'm doing... no one will ever read this blog again... i'm gonna die readerless, homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me...
DB: mamazilla, that's just not true. all of my fans will read your blog. well, after you translate your blog into english. and you speak english so well btw! doesn't THAT make you happy?! and there are lots of shelters in america and lots of people like you are on welfare and lots of people are fat and married in the midwest. or you can get a dog! they love unconditionally. and you have to walk dogs too... well, i don't, but you know what i mean... and besides if things get really bad, i know a LOT of people who would pay good money for that porkchop kid of yours. he's WAY cuter than that wall eyed tinkerbell i used to have.
MZ: but, i'm... i'm... wha?
DB: so, just don't beat yourself up that way. o-kay?
MZ: you're right. it's just stinking thinking.
DB: feel better? would you like a hug?
MZ: um, no. but, thank you, daytona. let's just shake hands...
[sounds of violent catfight, screaming, slapping, glass shattering, bones breaking, fabric ripping, a thud, then, silence.]
MZ: you know what? i think this is one of the worst posts i've ever written. and you know what else? i don't care! [ turns to his mirror ] because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me because daytona beaverlodge is passed out in my basement and i'm gonna donate her to scientists for research!