happy mother's day!

i'm heading out to las 'burbs to hang with my mom & extended family, celebrate the day and the arrival of the newest member of our family, a new niece, olivia, born very early today!!!  but before i leave, i just wanted to wish all the moms a HAPPY MAMA'S DAY!  i lurves youse, laydees...

...and coz you know i gotta get my laugh fix...

 

lastly, if you haven't already checked out jonathan yi's East of Main series on HBO... do EEEEET!!!

perception

so...  i bit the bullet and went to one of those not so expensive chain haircut places....

i was hoping to look like this when i came out:

...am slowly realizing that i may or may not look more like this:

ooooooh yeeeeaaaaah....

"Eye of Newt, and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat, and Tongue of Dog..."

first and foremost, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! :) (btw - i have pics up at flickr of the paloma in her costume, which i made... *patting self on back* ;) )

second, i have a new post up at chicagomomsblog called "Eye of Newt, and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat, and Tongue of Dog...". MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

third, following is a random sampling (in no particular order) of what's been happenning over here in the past two weeks or so:

* the paloma and the porkchop both came down with croup.

* i came down with a bad cold.

* the thin man came down with laryngitis.

* after years of abuse, my glasses finally gave up the ghost. a screw came loose. a lens fell out. and now, i'm walking around with one lens in my busted set of eyeglasses. i'm SO not kidding.

* the thin man got laid off (boo!) and then got hired by someone else (yay!)

* we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary (10 years together - WOOT!) at coobah restaurant (think cuba, spain and brazil meet the philippines) which was EXCELLENT!!! except for when they turned on the baseball game on the widescreen tvs which were showing beautiful jellyfish when we first walked in .

* the paloma taught her preschool class what it means to be filipino american and how to count from 1 to 10 in tagalog.

* i made a tinkerbell costume for a doll (see flickr).

* i re-organized and de-cluttered the sewing rooms of two sewing friends.

* my brother in law and his lovely wife are new parents to a bouncing baby boy!

* my lovely in laws came for a visit.

* my poor mom came down with strep.

* i pulled the paloma out of a tumbling class when i realized that not only had her teacher insulted her by saying her shoes were the ugliest shoes he'd ever seen - that he'd also traumatized her... she couldn't stop talking or crying about it for days. i think she's finally over it.

* we picked out pumpkins at the children's farm together and carved them.

* i pimped out one of my best friends to one of the thin man's best friends. alcohol was involved. yes, they call me "yenta".


...and that's about it. :)

the caged bird publishes a post...

before i bore you with all the tedious detritus that is my life...

i should mention that this past weekend, i published two posts on filipina moms blog - "involuntary captivity" and "PSST!!! FREE STUFF!!!"

i also neglected to mention it earlier, but a few weeks ago, i was asked to contribute to another group blog - chingchong.com - "a place to share and discuss the chingchong as well as other stuff about being Asian American". i was very happy and honored to accept their offer. my latest is "ching chong chinaman - the play".

ok, back to my depressing detritus... or maybe i AM depressing detritus... and i have been for a little while...

my depression may been compounded by the record amount of rain we received... or the record heat... or that the paloma is out of school, day camp, ballet classes, yoga classes... or that the porkchop is almost to his terrible twos and not really "talking" (no worries, we've had him evaluated)... and my ceramics classes also came to an end for the summer too... and i hate september... and then, there was that total lunar eclipse which i suspect wreaked havoc on my hormones which were legion o' sybils already....

which in turn, reminded me, that if i were a "normal" sahm who drove a car, my children would be enjoying themselves at one of the gazillion family friendly indoor attractions we have in chicago. but instead they were re-enacting graphic scenes from "lord of the flies" in the playroom... and yes, i saved the cats from a kebab-ish end...

last friday, everything came to a head. words were said, actions were taken. all of which i regret. i regretted them so much that i started to send out a couple of resumes while they napped... i rationalized that no matter what - i never wanted to experience another day like that again. i never wanted to talk to the children the way i'd talked to them. i never wanted to handle them as roughly as i did. the children would be much better off at an all day school/day care. at least there they would never be bored, never be yelled at, possibly rough housed but not by someone who should know better. i felt that working full time in a job i hate would just be another sacrifice i'd make for them. another example of me "taking it for the team".

to say that the house and every being in it was "fitful" would be an understatement. every time one of them cried out, i wanted desperately to cry out in response.

although i've been thinking about getting a job for a while, i haven't been able to get around that "feeling" that it wouldn't "solve" any of our problems. that it would in fact make new ones and make me feel miserable and robotic, doing something that wasn't fulfilling.

to say the least, when i confessed to the thin man he was not happy about me taking actions to pursue such a big decision without consulting him first. and of course, because the whole reason we moved back to chicago from the bay area was so that i could stay home and take care of the kids.

obviously, i wasn't happy either - but i felt that it was the only path open to taking. and after feeling physically, intellectually and emotionally confined - i took a baby step in some direction, any direction.

as i've mentioned before, we cannot move back to the south loop where i'd have most of my mobility/independence back (the rest being taken over by the actual weight of two kids in an early model, used double stroller.) the housing market is in the tank. the house is in good shape - better shape than when we purchased it - that's for sure. but, it's not in any shape to sell really. the thin man's employer just went thru a merger and so, we're all "waiting and seeing" over that issue. even if we did move, there are no guarantees that i'd be happy or that it would be a healthy move for the whole family. blah blah blah - infinity...

but, here we are on wednesday. no call backs from potential employers, the weather has been agreeable and we've notched a few more playdates on our bed rails . and i'm calm and thankful.

i also talked with a dear btdt mom friend and she was so helpful and supportive. she completely blew my job idea out of the water, and although i feel like i'm back at square one, i also feel like i see a little bit clearer now and that the weight i carry is slightly lighter...

there were a few things she said that put things into perspective for me (you probably already thought of this):

* the bad horrible regrettable days don't stop after you get a job (even if it's a job you love) and after the kids spend all day at the best care facility, getting intellectual, academic, creative, emotional, and physical stimulation, eating the best organic food for lunch and snacks and even squeezing a nap in there somewhere. we're human. that's our beastly nature.

* our generation is one of the first generations who is expected to entertain children for 10+ hours a day. in previous generations, they were considered labor or decoration. parents didn't play with them and if/when they did - they didn't do it for 10+ hours a day. our work is NOT cut out for us.

* after experiencing a friday like yours, you are not automatically inducted into the abusive parent hall of fame. you actually love your children deeply and frequently tell them and show them that you love them and you spend time with them in whatever capacity you can, you establish and build the foundation of your relationship almost every minute of almost every day. and when you screw up, you own it. you heartily apologize for your mistakes and missteps and you promise to do better and you move on.

you are however an angry parent. you have this anger because you don't allow yourself to ignore your children for x amt. of hours a day, for weeks at a time to watch tv or talk on the phone or play videogames. you don't allow yourself to needlessly pawn them off on others to care for them while you chill out with other childless people to attend an overpriced lunch everyday. and you don't allow them to run amok among the general toddler public to kick other children in the face or rip toys out of smaller weaker hands, etc... you don't allow yourself any "luxuries" that other parents do. THAT'S why you're angry. as far as i'm concerned, you're allowed a little angry.

well, if you made it this far. thank you for your patience. i didn't want to write about this and bore you, but i just had to get it out... again...

hopefully, i've managed to pull myself out of the latest funk and am just in the process of cleaning the residue off... :)

home sweet home, pt. 2

i really had a good time hanging out with my friend (also one of my former employers) at the guggenheim. it was really great to see her. the last time i saw her, this past april, she was really unsure of her decision to leave chicago. but, she looks happier now and she has a lovely apartment and her work prospects are very promising. after spending some time with her, i became more and more disappointed that i hadn't made more of an attempt to see more friends of mine now living in nyc... i just knew i'd want to spend more time with them than we had... :(

anyway... after an hour or two, we met up with the thin man back at the steps of metropolitan. it must've been around 4:30. we had to get back to the hotel because i had bought tickets for us to watch the harlem renaissance orchestra which was playing at lincoln center's midsummer night swing. we wanted to freshen up and eat dinner somewhere before dancing.

btw - we still had not eaten anything since breakfast... and we were running on fumes... we took the subway back to times square and made it back to the hotel in one piece but the tell tale signs were there - headache, backache, nausea, exhaustion, seeing spots... i knew that if i didn't eat something soon, that our evening might be ruined.

we barely made it out of the hotel. i was feeling like i was going to faint inside the cab. then, when we finally got to lincoln center, i was upright while we got our tickets at will call. fearing the worst, we stopped into the tgi fridays or bennigans or whatever the chain restaurant is across the street from lincoln center to eat dinner (don't. tell. metrodad). where i ate enough of what they were passing as fish and chips to regain some semblance of myself. by the time, the bill came, i wasn't feeling faint or nauseous anymore. it looked like i was on the road to recovery. yay! :) so, we walked back to lincoln center and after a thorough security search of my (grocery) bag of (two) dance shoes, we were listening and dancing to some fine swing tuneage!

THEN! then, a guy who didn't look familiar to me says, "aren't you *insert mamazilla's real name here*? didn't you teach lindyhop at the doghouse in san francisco with jason?" my mouth just about dropped because that's who i was and am - i was sure this was some weird swing dancing punk'd reality show... he went on to re-introduce himself and said that he had taken lessons with us years and years ago. we had some great catch-up conversations and a great dance afterwards.

AND THEN! then, as i was watching the band and the dancers, i saw another acquaintance/friend of ours from san francisco, mark kapner, founder of swing out new hampshire, doing the same thing! so, i walked over there to say hi and he said, that he was just talking about me to another dancer about a notorious disagreement that occurred between me and some dance teachers at another camp a whiiiiiiile ago. honestly, i can't believe some people are still talking about that... so, we had a laugh and caught up and danced a bit too...finally, it was time to pack it up and go... (in that picture below, see those two HUGE banners in the back of dancers - those dancers were actually moving in slooooooow motion. it was tres kewl.)

all in all, it was a beautiful night and i didn't want it to end and although we were both exhausted, we decided to walk back to the hotel. well, first we walked by the closest duane reade to pick up two more souvenirs - one for the porkchop and the other for the lovely commenter, alice. :) i don't know what we were thinking... maybe it was dancing with each other and listening to the fantastic live music or the hilarious people watching and of course, the special surprise reunions, yada yada yada... the city was totally awake and calling to us to stay up and up and up... :)

the more that i think about our walk back to the hotel and our trip and even the relationship/marriage between the thin man and myself.... the more it reminds me of a quote in this lileks.com post:

"....I expect it’s one thing to be a hard-core spinster who’s forged an individual path from day one and has a hard shell, a gimlet eye, and a perspective on human relations as vaulable as a film critic's assessment of cinema. (He's never slapped a reel o film in a camera, but he knows the difference between Citizen Kane and Porky's IV.) It's different to be be a 60-something who just shed Hubby the Dull and exults in the chance to attend an exhibit on Salvadoran Textiles without the glum red-hot resentment that follows from knowing your husband doesn’t care about Salvadoran textile exhibits, never did, never will, and doesn’t get why you like them. It’s a consequence of the triumph or Romantic Love, I suppose; if you don’t mesh at the elemental level, something’s wrong. The notion of simply inhabiting the same road as you move towards the horizon isn’t enough; you must both be fascinated by the same things. I prefer the model where one person is interested in the flowers that grow by the road, and the other discourses on the history of pavement, and you both speculate on the birds in the boughs above. But that’s just me. (Or rather us.) I’m sure marriages built around interests intensely shared work just as well. It all depends on what you put it into it, to state the obvious. It’s like a fireplace: you can let it go out, or you can add wood. Ahem."

i have to admit i can imagine a life without the thin man ('cause deep down, my roots are morbid and goth like that) but it would be a truly sad, lonely, agonizingly long life.... in the ten years we've known each other, we have foisted a handful of relationship boulders on each other like quarrelling giants. often, we drive each other completely bonkers, attempt murder with eye-rolling and silent treatments (of doom!) and then almost immediately, we raise a tattered white flag, toss each other the antibacterial ointment and the nemo band-aids in an effort to bring things back to "normal".

hopefully, despite our combined neuroses, years (!) from now, when we visit manhattan again, we'll still be walking down that same busy street - he'll be the one continuing the tradition of his bad joke telling tribe and spouting random trivia and i'll be the one soaking in the life and vibrancy of the city, watching a young couple sharing a good night kiss, maybe even a first kiss, under an orange streetlight, as the firetrucks go roaring by.

home sweet home, pt. 1

no, i haven't forgotten that a prize was promised for the most "manhattan" itinerary... nor the promise of pictures and a re-telling of our excellent adventure. :)

alice's intinerary most resembled the one that we envisioned for ourselves. so, if you're still interested in your souvenir, alice, it's waiting for you. however, if alice doesn't contact me by friday, i'm offering it up to samokdaddy, whose itinerary was a very close second.

anyhoo, two random thoughts about the trip before it even started:

* if you have to fly out of midway airport and your gate is A4A - prepare yourself for what may be the l o n g e s t f'ing walk of your life, my friend... get your magazine/potbelly/ben & jerry's fix BEFORE you go to your gate.

* the worst place to have a deja vu is while flying in a plane. from then on, the WHOLE time i'm in the air i'm thinking... does that mean i'm going to die on this flight? as in crash and burn? or are my gourmet pretzels laced with rat poison?

* adults travelling without children have it SOOOOOO good. they should NEVER complain about travelling EVER. DON'T. EVEN. GO. THERE.

so, after an uneventful (albeit delayed) stopover in atlanta, we arrived at la guardia around 11:30 p.m. (friday night). i called a friend of ours who's band was playing in chinatown and let him know that we wouldn't be able to make it. if you live in/visit nyc, make arrangements to check out our friend, george gee, and his band(s), you won't regret it! :)

early the next morning, around the kids normal waking time, i woke up and sat bolt upright realizing that i had forgotten to pack the stroller. (am i whipped or WHAT?) after a minute or two of hearing my eyes blink in the dark, i fell back asleep. i had these delusions of grandeur that we'd be up at the crack of dawn and out the door to devour manhattan. yeah. not so much... we just barely got out of the mansfield around 10am.

although i had asked all y'alls for a "manhattan itinerary" and sought some sage nyc tourist advice & foodie recs from metrodad, we woke up the next morning not really sure what to do or where to go first. there were a handful of things that both of us really wanted to see so we just decided to wing it.

after breakfast, we both liked the idea of getting on a boat and getting a better perspective of the city from the water. we walked to times square to find a subway stop and caught a train downtown.

we decided to stop off near ground zero and take a reluctant look. i was very disappointed to find street vendors hawking 9/11 souvenirs on our short walk there and then, there's this ENORMOUS clearance sign plastered in front of century 21, facing the construction site. honestly, there wasn't much to see, which was kind of a relief, i was really not looking forward to our visit. we walked toward battery park to catch a glimpse of the statue of liberty, ellis island, maybe catch a boat.... we happened to pass by trinity church on our way -

although, the thin man was looking at it for its rich historical background (especially the resting place of alexander hamilton) and it's ageless beauty. i can appreciate those things too. it was really quite peaceful and humbling there. the gravestones were really stunning in their simplicity and honesty about their owners' lives and deaths. but, i have to admit that i was looking at it also for it's cameo in that silly nicholas cage movie, national treasure. (and i was also hoping it had a restroom.)

when we got to battery park, the boat lines looked long and then, we weren't sure how long the boat rides were going to be. so, we just sat there and pigeon/people/nyc landmark watched for a while.

then, we perused our map and started making our way towards chinatown and little italy by way of south street seaport. i got a glance of beautiful brooklyn bridge too. i regret that we didn't have the time to walk across it.


by the time we reached chinatown/little italy it was around 1 p.m. surprisingly, neither of us were really hungry though so we opted for drinks to whet our appetites. i got a delish boba tea from ten ren on mott st. (the only metrodad foodie tip that we got to taste) i just found out we have one here in chicago too! SCORE!

i talked to a friend of mine who was cleaning her newly minted nyc apartment and made tenative plans to meet at the metropolitan in roughly an hour and change. after walking around chinatown, oogling all the bunches of fresh lychee and the fish ball kebobs, we got a pink parasol for the paloma and made our way to little italy where the thin man got a fresh fruit smoothie from a vendor.

we walked thru soho to find a subway back uptown so that we could meet my friend. at this point i realized, i hadn't seen any celebrities yet and then, i noticed a random, double parked, hazards flashing, dark tint windowed, black SUV and then a young thin blonde woman getting into it with a baseball cap and sunglasses. i still don't know who she was but then i realized she and all the other (2) people in soho with caps and sunglasses were probably celebrities too. seriously, do famous people surrender their brains upon instant stardom? i hope they get some kind of brain claim tag and get them back eventually.

and off we zoomed to central park... where we proceeded to get lost. please note that we still had not eaten yet - it's was 2/2:30-ish. we thought we were going in a straight line across the park and then, there was a restroom pit stop... some cool busker music, a crazy old man with dubious directions, sunbathers lying down willy nilly in our path.... it was mayhem! ok, no. not really.

so, i kinda knew that the metropolitan would be immense and impossible to see much of anything in the few hours left that it was open. so, i suggested we try doing something else like the guggenheim, the whitney, the neue gallerie. but, the thin man was determined to enter the metropolitan. so, we split up. he went in there and i met my friend at her apt, which was only two blocks away, and we went to the guggenheim. she just had visitors in town and had visited all the other galleries just a day or two before.

as soon as we got to the guggenheim, i was a little disappointed since there was scaffolding all over it. while we walked up the spiral, i wasn't that excited by what was on exhibit. i think i must have missed a room or something because i didn't see any of the chagalls, degas, picassos. i think i saw one kandinsky. however, there was a GREAT exhibit of italian divisionists called arcadia & anarchy. the "social problems" grouping was especially interesting because of how beautiful the paintings were depicting such sad and depressing subjects like death or urban menial labor. i think i'm so used to "pretty" impressionism at the art institute that it was jarring to see death and suffering in intimate strokes of lavender and pink....

stay tuned for pt. 2 - it gets slightly more interesting. :)

not so hypothetical...

you are spending one full day, let's say it's this saturday (7/21/07) , in manhattan with your spouse/significant other sans kids. what is your itinerary for that day? where will you eat? what will you pay to see? where will you shop? what will you buy?

the most "manhattan experience" itinerary will receive a nyc souvenir (i luvs my tchotchkies) from me in the mail. fo' reals peeps! :)

oh how the mighty have fallen....

yesterday, i thought that i (like most women) had a pretty high threshold for pain:

* i went thru numerous surgeries from birth to about 5 years old to "cleave" my cystic hygroma from my neck.

* i got malaria.

* i menstruate.

* i've been waxed.

* i got tattooed in a store front window in broad daylight while reading antique car trader. yes, i was sober.

* i had to pack and re-pack a wound every day for a few weeks. it opened after i had surgery to remove a fibroadenoma from my right boobie.

* i went thru pregnancy, labor, delivery and breastfeeding. twice.

and today? today, i had to pop two advil for a 2mm canker sore that's planted itself on the base of my lower gum.

JAYSUS! DOES IT HURT LIKE A MOFO!

and i mean hurt like a swift kick to the privates, or using sandpaper for tp, or hacking off an appendage and pouring lemon juice on it.... OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

theatre pink

it was a busy weekend for la diva, the paloma....

first off, we got her dressed in her best "theatre" pink (check out how they spelled "theatre". omg. how elitist can you get? - god forbid it be "carnation" pink or "bubble gum" pink. tsk tsk, our low unplucked brow is showing...) to attend her first "REAL" dance class at a "REAL" dance school. i'd link up the school but i took some photos on the sly... well, not too sly since the teacher was standing in front of me, and the flash kept going off. but they specifically asked that photos not be taken. so, ixnay on the otophay akingtay!

she and her classmates were so cute... under normal circumstances, i am my usual non-traditional self, boo-hooing and bah-humbuging the pink=girl, boy=blue paradigm. but, it was almost primeval. i could feel the overwhelming cuteness factor enveloping me while i watched the graceful whirling and floating brushstrokes o' watercolored pink... ok. i seriously have to listen to some sex pistols or something now...

the class is called creative movement 2 for 4 year olds. it's the class they take before pre-ballet at this particular school. i was so bummed that there were no boys in the class. the pork chop LOVES to dance and i think he'd love to take this class eventually too. he'd look so cute in one of those white shirt, black pant ensembles...

did you hear that? that was all the dads collectively rolling their eyes and their masculinity groaning in severe pain and anguish. oh relax. go pee on something standing up.

they started by doing some stretching. then, they did a lot of character dancing - dance like a bird, dance like a cat, dance like you have ants in your pants... and for the most part, the girls (who (we, the parents agreed ) are apparently a bunch of snarling blood thirsty wolves in sheep's clothing) listened very well. and of course, we were also thinking, don't kill the nice ballet teacher and pianist, girls! you look better in theatre pink than jailhouse orange!

the ballet school is very close to crown fountain in millenium park so, because she managed to delay getting thrown out of ballet class for behavior issues did so well, we thought we'd treat her (and ourselves) to some refreshing splashes in the water.

apparently, while the three of them were splashing around and i was off talking pictures. the paloma got admonished by another parent. the thin man told me later that the paloma splashed a boy with water. then, the boy splashed her back. then, the paloma angrily said something like "hey! don't splash me!" to which the boy's mother responded with something like "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SPLASHED BACK. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SPLASH SOMEONE IN THE FIRST PLACE."

although the thin man had no problem with this, i was NOT amused. i get that the mom's problem with the paloma was that she was screaming about her kid splashing her. but, knowing the paloma like i do, it wouldn't surprise me if she had done something like this to a good friend or a cousin or the pork chop. however, i cannot imagine her just splashing another child without provocation. it's just not like her. it bothers me because the mom took her son's side immediately, instead of trying to figure out the whole story and maybe help the children to play together better. the paloma ends up being publicly humiliated and comes away feeling "bad" instead of with a lesson about how (not)to treat people who may or may not become new friends. and really, is it EVER ok to yell at someone else's kid? really? 'cause short of a threat of serious bodily injury to my child, i just wouldn't do that.... and no, it's not a "model minority" thing. it's a "i don't think i'm really helping any situation by yelling at 4 year old" kind of thing...

this reminded me of a conversation i had with another mom about our moms' generation of moms and how we grew up feeling like the the "alleys had eyes". i remember saying a swear word once in the alley (two alleys really) behind my house. i thought i was SO cool. until i got home. where i got a "severe talking to" by my filipino mom, who found out about it thru the mom of a polish kid, who had overheard me say the word while playing in their puerto rican neighbors backyard.

despite all the 70s' "irresponsible" parenting mistakes and horror stories we hear about... sleeping on our tummies, our lead laced environment, all the missing safety restraints, the monkey bars of DOOM, the merry go rounds of NEVER RETURN and the see-saws of DEATH... i dunno... at least, our parents seemed like they were playing on the same team instead of against each other.

lastly, the paloma got to ride her new bike after a visit to jamba juice, a lunch and a restful nap.

i'll never forget my first bike. it was an old, rusted, dented, purple, kid sized schwinn that we got at a garage sale. i got up really early one morning. it was still a little dark. i taught myself to ride it by getting on, pedaling for my life and falling off - over and over and over again. by early evening, my knees and elbows were shredded and bloody. but, i'd figured it out how to ride a bike.

later, my mom bought me a DREAMY bike from another garage sale. it was another schwinn but close to mint condition. it was a glitter sky blue color with a white and silver glitter banana seat. it was heaven.

as you can see, the paloma has the "luxury" of a helmet and training wheels. yea! how i worship ye, oh safety product gods!!! i thought she did pretty well on her maiden voyage. she really never figured out the whole tricycle thing. but, the thin man was complaining about the bad pavements preventing her from really getting the hang of it.

yeah right, babe. you just keep on blaming the pavement. ;) i can't wait until you have to teach her how to drive stick.

AlterKNITS

i forgot to mention that last week, i had the opportunity to do a knitting workshop with Leigh Radford, author of AlterKNITS and Oneskein, at my wonderful local yarn shop, My Sisters Knits.

i had seen the book numerous times before and loved how imaginative and innovative the projects were. i hadn't ever taken a closer look because the projects seemed to be a little advanced for someone at my level, but i always wanted to try knitting them eventually especially, the crepe paper crown, the paper lanterns and the recycled t-shirt rugs.

so, when i heard that she was coming to do two workshops. i jumped at the chance to meet her and excercise some creative process. it. was. awesome.

in the beginning of the workshop, she showed us samples and works in progress of projects in her books - some examples were made from recycled/felted thrift shop sweaters, shibori felting techniques and unusual kntting materials like fabric strips of silk or t-shirt jersey. she talked about "knitting outside the box" and challenging one's perceptions about knitting and how to knit and what to knit with and why.... she asked us to write down why we didn't feel we were able to complete the "ultimate" project a small post it note. then, she gathered up the notes and threw them in the trash. :) later, she recalled that a former student actually knitted with tulip leaves after taking the workshop...

then, came the hands on portion of the workshop. there were numerous brown paper lunch sacks on the large conference table we were seated around. leigh asked us to pick one out and open it up. inside each of the sacks was some random material that could be knitted. my bag contained some silk fabric strips, other knitters found jersey t-shirt strips, fishing line, tulle, crepe tissue paper, mylar ribbon and audio cassette tape. after casting on and knitting a few rows, we talked about how easy or difficult it was to knit with and possible options for projects or stitches/patterns. then, we picked another bag. my second bag contained fine gauge copper wire, other knitters found pipecleaners, tennis racket line and raw untwisted yarn (i forget what that's called).

afterwards, we did something akin to a writers exquisite corpse. we all cast on about 20 stitches and then picked knitting instructions out of a hat. the exercise was to show how we could come up with interesting organic shapes without guides.

then, we did two exercises re: color theory. in the first exercise, we picked random collages/layouts from magazines and picked yarn butterflies to imitate the color pallettes in the layouts. then, we either culled or added to the pallette. it was interesting to see what colors i was drawn to and also what colors were obviously the primary colors and which were accent colors.

the second exercise was really interesting. we closed our eyes and picked three balls of yarn from a bag. then, leigh provided us with a pretty easy (fair isle sorta) pattern that combined the three yarns... it was really enlightening to see which trios actually looked good together and which didn't. some were obviously going to turn out as good trios, and others... not so much.

i only enrolled in the first workshop (because i had already done shibori work, which was the focus of the following evening's workshop) but after that class i was really disappointed that i hadn't signed up for it.

so, if you're remotely interested in creative process ('cause even as an illustrator and writer, i definitely found myself drawing parallels) i highly recommend that you seek out a workshop with leigh radford. she's so knowledgeable, so accomplished, so open to sharing ideas and techniques and just a lovely, friendly, funny, nice person to meet. you really won't be disappointed.

needless to say...

the virginia tech thing f*cked my sh*t up and i've been avoiding all contact with the world - online or offline.... luckily, the weather has been cooperating and so, we've been in the backyard, kicking beach balls, drawing with chalk, riding tricycles and swinging our toes up to the sun.

but - this seemed like a pretty fun bunch of questions (via my galpal, maggs) to answer and will help me ease back into posting again. and btw - i've been thinkin' about and missin' all y'all!!!

1) Who did you talk to the most today? the paloma. and only because she speaks. i would have preferred to talk to the porkchop - i don't think he would have been nearly as b*tchy. what. a. diva.

2) What is the best name for a butler? first name - johnny, ewan, russell, jude, heath. last name - depp, mcgregor, crowe, law, ledger. respectively. seriously, what self respecting stay at home mom doesn't want a celebrity dad for a butler?

3) What was your last weird encounter? last weekend, a man was screaming up and down state street. he was either screaming "SELFISH!" or "SHELLFISH!" over and over and over. i couldn't quite make it out.

4) What's the weirdest story of one of your scars? (puglet's copying and pasting these questions to answer on her blog right now....) the weirdest story affiliated with my CH scar has got to be that when my mom wanted to take baby pictures of me for posterity, the doctors took the camera away and told her it was better that i never knew what i looked like as a baby. she somehow got the camera back and scored some pics but when she opened the camera to develop the film, it was gone.

5) Do you remember the part from Bambi when Bambi learns to say "bear"? nicely played. trick question. bambi doesn't learn how to say bear. he learns how to say "bird", "butterfly" and "flower". never try to school a stay at home mom with disney trivia.

6) What color is your toothbrush? i just realized i have three... upstairs master bath - a sonicare (white/teal) one and a pink one (for when i'm rushing). downstairs powder room - a navy blue one (for when the paloma is having a fall down, all appendages flailing, tantrum on the floor and the porkchop is climbing over the safety gate to get to the cats).

7) What is your middle name spelled backwards? eman elddim ruoy

8) Can you eat well with chopsticks? not really. but i can play them on the piano. i can barely get food into my mouth with a fork. i'm WAY better with my hands.

9) What odd things creep you out? non-sealife stuff that washes up on beaches and i'm not talking seaglass. and the random urban (prophylactic) detritus that ends up in the cobwebby corners of playground equipment. i know you just threw up a little in yer mouth.

10) Have you ever felt an earthquake? yes. thankfully, they were never anything newsworthy.
11) What do you do with the hot grease when you're done cooking bacon? i discard all but a tbsp or two and start making carbonara.

12) What's the weirdest thing you have ever eaten? haggis. at the edinburgh castle in san francisco.

13) What color are your socks today? i am sockless.

14) What is your favorite word that starts with the letter G? today it is - gelato.

15) Who do you blame for your mood today? me, myself and i.

16) If Ricky Martin had a trademark what would it be? can you trademark clones?

17) What is something scientists need to invent? true eco-friendly, reliable, cheap, public transit. as in cars that run on garbage and drive themselves...

18) What is the closest object to your left foot? a large plastic dump truck filled with matchbox cars, little people, fisher price airplanes and john deere tractors.

19) Who is your favorite Golden Girl? jill masterson. (and you get some serious netflix geek points if you get that...)

20) Do you have an inside joke that has to do with numbers? no. i have lame kid jokes that have to do with numbers. AND YOU WILL LAUGH. OH YES. YOU WILL.

21) What is the longest amount of hours you have slept in a row? 8. shocking, i know.

22) Where was your mother's hometown? somewhere in iligan, the philippines.

23) Where was your father's hometown? north of manila. the philippines.

24) What are the posters on your walls? in this room, we have a huge painting that the paloma did. she dipped her feet in different colors of paint and walked all over the paper. on the other wall, there's a hooked rug of kermit the frog that my best friend made.

25) Birthday? yes. once a year.

26) Say two words that rhyme. two words that rhyme.

27) Do you use online terms in real life? no. i do however use real life terms online.

28) What do you think people think of you? most people don't think about me at all. i can name a handful however who hate me. and with good reason.

29) Do you think this year will be better than the last? i always hope. but don't tell anybody.

30) Who is the 1st person on your incoming call list and how do you feel about them? my stepsister. i love her lots. i'm so glad our parents met and married.

40) Do you know who Salad Fingers Is? yes. him and his finger puppets scare me.

41) What is the stupidest thing you have ever done? i've burned many a bridge because i was too young (and probably too inebriated) to know any better.

42) What is your favorite commercial of the moment? the TMobile who's in your 5? commercials - especially the one with the dad and the prospective boyfriend. that's so the thin man in 13 years.

43) What does it take to make you cry? not much. observing/witnessing the simplicities, wonders and truths of this world and this life - i'm your friend that runs the waterworks 24/7...

44) What are you looking forward to? the end of these questions.

45) Have you ever cried because you thought you were ugly? no. i always cry because i'm SO BEAUTIFUL!!! i wish all of you were as beautiful as me!

46) Who did you kiss today? the paloma, the porkchop, the thin man. and the random cold viruses that they are all harboring...

47) What do you like to do when you are alone? write. read. nap. knit. draw. kegels.

48) Who are your 2 favorite characters on Full House? the characters in the commercials.

49) What is missing from your life? time, patience and independence

50) Would you be ashamed if you wore hippie clothes? i am wearing hippie clothes. what's your point?

51) Grab the closest book, what does the 7th sentence on the 27th page say? i'm in the playroom - NONE of these books have a 27th page or a 7th sentence. admit it. you want my life!

52) When was the last time you slept with a stuffed animal? a cat sleeps very definitively between my feet every night. and it's because of this, that sometimes, i want to get her stuffed.

53) If it was your last day on earth what shoes would you wear? on my last day on earth, i wouldn't be wearing shoes.... shoes are the last thing i'd be thinking about... on the second to last day on earth, i'd be wearing the most expensive pair of imported shoes i could steal.

54) Do you own a Super Nintendo? no

55) What do you think of Law and Order? i wish i could get paid to write. then i think, i wish i could just write.

56) Can you name all 7 dwarfs? dopey, grumpy, doc, bashful, sleepy, sneezy, happy. see #5.

57) Have you ever pretended to be Jewish? yes. but only at the last beastie boys concert. to get back stage. as a relative. CHALLAH!

58) What was the last thing you thought you lost, but ended up finding it? my california state ID. which expired on my birthday.... frackity frack frack!!

59) What were you doing at midnight last night? listening to the porkchop wake up and then cry. yes, i went over there and picked him up.

60) If you had a ball of clay what would you mold it into? an exact replica of me. then, i might actually be able to go to the loo by myself.

61) What does your Milkshake bring to the yard? nothing... now, if i had a top notch milkshake - i'd have the entire chicago police department in my yard.

62) Do you have any famous relatives? no. but i have met many famous folk (thank you FAO Schwarz) and they're like everybody else... just shorter.

walking unassisted

the paloma circa 2004 @ 14 mos


the porkchop circa 2006 @ 9 mos

sometimes, the thin man and i marvel at the paloma and the porkchop - about how quickly she started talking and how quickly he started walking... and now, i'm actually beginning to worry that they're getting that... spunk?... moxie?... gumption?... egads, aggression?... from me.

yesterday morning, i read a post called "transformations" over at chicago chick (who btw - is getting her family ready for the sale of their current condo and eventually the move into their new house, while weathering the plagues of financial hemorraging, physical torture and mental distress. hang in there, girl!).

anyway, in her post, she wrote something that has been on my mind ever since i read it:

"Yesterday I asked David if he loved me and he said that he loved me more lately. Of course I asked "Whaddaya mean LATELY?". His response was that he loved me more since I decided to become part of his marriage. Huh? He went on to explain that I am so independent that at times he didn't think I was his better half..... Maybe I'm mellowing out or maybe I'm just too tired to go the remainder of my life alone, but he's right. I am very independent and it will probably never change but I have learned to rely on him more."

coincidentally, i've been thinking a lot about my own independence (or lack thereof) and i just happened to flip thru a book of daily inspirations for the year (i've also been feeling a little uninspired as of late) and today, march 28, is devoted to "cultivating a self assured attitude". it says:

"....Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. Self assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and that you don't have to do it all by yourself..... When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not at all sure that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself...."

of course, when i read this i had a "yeah. no sh*t, sherlock." moment. but, then it hit me. i am really not as self assured as i think i am. i'm not as self assured as i used to be, even a year ago. sometimes, i think with each passing day, that i am becoming less and less self assured.

honestly, i've never assumed that i would always get what i needed. and i rarely feel that i am in the process of getting what i need.

i know intellectually that there are friends and family and sometimes even complete strangers who make themselves available to me for help. but i ALWAYS feel like i have to do it all by myself. i NEED to do things by myself. and i do this for two reasons 1) i don't want to feel like i owe anyone anything (even if it's a pair of marshmallow peeps). 2) i don't want to appear weak or inferior or disabled (looking the way i do, it's almost a given, as in - ("she MUST be disabled, just look at her").

as a child, i wanted to grow up fast for my mom. she never asked me to do so but i just knew, it was hard for her to be a single mom, to make enough money to keep us fed, clothed and sheltered. it was difficult for her to work so often and so dilligently and know that i almost always came home to an empty house. life was always especially tough when i got sick or when i was due for another operation. my mother used to scold me all time for trying to do everything too quickly and certainly before i was old enough to learn, or rather, NEEDED to learn life/survival skills that she, as an adult, took for granted. i didn't want her to think that i was "behind" the average child my age. i needed to show her that she wouldn't always have to look after me.

eventually, as a single adult, i fashioned a life for myself. and i mean "fashioned" in the truest sense. i dreamt it up and meticulously designed it. drafted the pattern. shopped for the finest materials and notions to lovingly create it - cut it out, sewed it up, made some alterations - and it fit me like a glove. and to the general public, it probably looked like most "haute couture" garments - unwearable, confining, impractical, eccentric, maybe even a little fugly. but it was my life. and it sounds weird, but i especially felt like i had finally released my mom from her responsiblities re: me. i was finally and happily the only one responsible for me.

everywhere i had lived, i had always made sure that i could live there on my terms. at the very least, i (as a single asian female) had to live somewhere that was within my means, relatively safe, had public transit and/or the random taxi nearby and a grocery store within walking distance.

now, i'm married and a mother and i've taken on the responsibilities of caring for three other precious lives outside of my own. and almost every other day, i feel like i've failed one of them, if not all of them. a few days ago, i told the thin man that recently i started feeling like i was working retail again. i feel that same obligation i felt at former mcjobs to always smile when customers were nearby. i don't want to feel this way around my family or friends. i find myself feeling isolated both physically and emotionally (which isn't really a stretch for someone as antisocial/shy as me but it's been BAD lately).

when we moved to our house and this neighborhood, it fit the above criteria - pretty much. but with time i realized the harsh reality is this:

i'm living in a house that although it is BEAUTIFUL is way too big for me to care for and by virtue of its age will probably always need something fixed or replaced or installed. our neighborhood, one of the handful of chicago "cop and firemen" neighborhoods, is very safe but because of it's troubled racial history feels strangely unpredictable and volatile to me. although i live close to the commuter train stop, i am at the mercy of the train's (sometimes hourly) schedule (not to mention, two dueling toddler nap schedules and the short, easily tired legs of a four year old). although we live in chicago, taxi cabs (and they are legion, prowling like sharks for chum) do not wander aimlessly this far south. we live very close to a really great local organic grocer but it doesn't stock EVERY SINGLE THING i need. a grocery run might actually include separate trips to the drugstore, the liquor store and the italian deli - which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't all located at the furthest corners of the neighborhood. and it's just plain hard to get groceries in the height of a midwestern subzero winter (or even an extra hot and humid summer) with two children.

as a stay at home mom to two children, it's no surprise that i should feel confined to my home. but as a stay at home mom who doesn't drive (literally scared sh*tless to drive & bad eyesight), i'm also confined to the perimeters of our neighborhood (but, i can only visit the same places a few times a week before i start to look like a would be mrs. robinson to all the would be benjamin braddocks' at the local borders bookstore and i can only buy so much yarn and knit a handful of projects before i start to resemble a reluctant bachelorette stereotype...)

so the bottom line is i'm left to rely on others pretty much ALL THE TIME. i have little to no independence of my own. i rely on the thin man or family or friends for errands i cannot complete. if neither the thin man nor i can get groceries, i rely on peapod to deliver. sometimes, we find that we don't have any fixings for a good dinner and so we have to order it up - there are very few restaurants in the neighborhood. and many of them don't deliver. although we have met with pediatricians down here, i make the majority of our ped appts with our northside office (who know our histories) and only on weekends, when the thin man's schedule can accomodate us. occasionally, i rely on neighbors to drive the paloma to school when the weather is too brutal to drag the porkchop out on the walk to and from preschool (twice). any other kind of retail shopping (therapy) or diversionary gallivanting has to be done in a neighboring south suburb or on the north side (which is infinitely prettier) and, if being done with children, needs the use of a car. and have ya seen the dan ryan expressway recently?

realistically, we can't move. we really can't afford to move anywhere else and where else COULD we move? this neighborhood, with its great schools, parks, inexpensive, abundant and architecturally diverse housing, fellow cool & hip transplanted neighbors is really perfect for a young family like ours. i know this intellectually. but emotionally, i am completely torn up about it. i have never in my life felt so useless, so worthless, so powerless... like i so often do now. i worry about how this is affecting my overall mental and physical health, each unique relationship i have - with my husband, my children, my family members and friends...

all of which makes for a very very unhappy, very uncertain mamazilla.

if i were a toy...

i would be "neanderthal woman", part of the prehistoric world of toys from bullyland. how sad is it that i need to schedule a pity date with a warmed bowl of liquid wax, strips of cotton muslin, a shaving razor, fruity shaving foam and some foul smelling chemical depilatory.

and... oh the horror! THE HORROR! *insert crescendo-ing psycho stalking horror flick music here* THE TOENAILS! *shudder*

seriously, it's been a long *ss winter and these last few warm days in chicago have evicted me from my dark, warm, womblike burrow and forced me out of hibernation. but unlike my fellow dormant moms who have now blossomed into a beautiful daffodil or vibrant crocus or graceful lily - i am the fugly, wild, feral weed (as in dandelion, not cannabis) personified.

in the winter, i only have to occasionally think about who is "bra worthy" or "jeans (v. yoga pant) worthy" or "contacts worthy" or even "shower worthy".

horrible i know, but sleep totally trumps every thing in my book - even if it's just an extra five minutes.

and now? now, i have to think about who's "ingrown hair worthy".

i walked out of the house today in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and athletic shoes... and everyone else was walking around in shorts and camis and flip flops - all willy nilly, skippity skip.

wtf?! it's 80 degrees! in march! in chicago! i wanted to b*tch slap the national weather service.

don't get me wrong, i'm SO ready for spring. i'm especially ready for summer. but i'm so not ready for the roving eyes of the hair gestapo.

and another thing, if i was blonde... and latvian... and well, pretty, thin and a shapely C cup - no one would care if i had hairy pits or legs.

shaquille o'neal turns 35 today.