seriously peoples, that stuff was so good, i'm sure it was also biblically wrong... that's the stuff you go to confession for... if you're catholic.... if you're a GOOD catholic. tessa introduced me to amy le of duck and roll truck who made these insanely delicious bao tacos. i had the pork and tessa had the tofu:
*not pictured. see: inhaled.
then, we meandered over to brown bag lunch truck, where we met joaquin, the angel (or apocalyptic horseman) who bringeth forth "The Meat"... not that tessa had any because she is being very good & joining Nora's challenge of not eating meat this June... (liar, liar, pants on fire...haha!) we had the kim jong mmmm, some beer soaked chicken (someone dub this the drunken master!!!) and elotes w/ spicy mayo:
*not pictured. see: inhaled.
ok, so.... we spent the rest of our food induced haze strolling the overflowing and overwhelming booths of the outdoor and indoor vintage bazaar... although i used to be an avid vintage hunter, i've mellowed with age (and my moth eaten pocketbook) and only hunt for vintage sewing & crafting stuff, namely - vintage sewing patterns.
i gotta say i was a little disappointed in the pricing at the bazaar.... there weren't that many vendors with the stuff i was looking for, but it when i did see machines, books or patterns they were all kinda pricey. i was especially disappointed that the vendors couldn't tell me for certain if their patterns were cut or complete, were asking $5-$10 per pattern. FTW?! one of the vendors had some modern - still in print - patterns in her stash and was selling them for $7. SEVEN DOLLARS for a pattern i can get on sale - NEW - for $1.
i did find (overpaid, prolly) a handful that i liked. i haven't had a chance to look them over yet though.... O_o
there were some really great booths, overflowing with vintage eye candy... i loved the recycled bottle lights at vintage edison. we also scored some coupons & gift certificates from AKIRA. there was also an AWESOME popup barbershop from joe's barbershop.
at one point, tessa and i took a break upstairs in the aragon's balcony seats.... & it occurred to me that i hadn't really taken any pictures at the bazaar... :( then, as we were making our way out of the bazaar, we found the smilebooth photo booth and took some silly pics:
i'm really looking forward to attending the next vintage bazaar, July 8th.
i also picked up a postcards for another local vintage event - vintage garage, july 15th, august 19th, sept 16th & oct 21st.
back in october of 2005, i witnessed the white sox win the world series on the south side of the city... for this cradle north side chicagoan, it was an awesome sight to behold and i was SO happy for my southside neighbors and die hard sox fans....
last night, i watched as the blackhawks brought that same euphoria to their fans and this city that i love SO much... ACK!!!! so happy for you, chicago!!! you were really loud (fireworks, car horns, screaming) and totally obnoxious (helicopters and mosh pits? really?) and thankfully, you remained giddy and happy when ultimately FUBAR...
thank you, blackhawks! congrats on a great season and the stanley cup!!! (please don't leave it at a truck stop or urinate in it by mistake.) :)
in the event you missed it:
and well... i HAVE to play "the song" as well... :)
this saturday and sunday, june 13 and 14, the Chicago Children's Museum is hosting the 2009 Passport to the Philippines event. i went to the 2008 presentation with the porkchop and paloma (and assorted titas, titos, cousins...) which included, arts & crafts demos from the philippines, traditional folk dancing, a small "taste of the philippines" (which RAN OUT OF FOOD right after i got there!!??), a yo yo expert (yo yo as weapon - aaawwwwkward) and booths with exhibits about philippine industry and history. all in all, we had a great time last year and hoped to attend this years event if it repeated. according to their website, the list of event participants has grown and flourished:
in addition to the Samhang Kapatid traditional dance performers, two contemporary dance troupes will be performing - O.U.T. and Miran. A martial arts group, Islanders Karate will be demonstrating modern arnis and dumog.
leading cooking demos this year - Jun San Juan and chef Jennifer Aranas of Rambutan restaurant and author of The Filipino Kitchen.
i'm really excited to attend this weekend! full disclosure: as soon as Samahang Kapatid started dancing last year, i got a little choked up... watching the paloma and porkchop jockey for best viewing positions, their rubbernecking, their attention captured by the colorful and graceful dancers.. then, almost losing their bowls of pancit when they got up to voiciferously cheer and applaud the dancers...
i was so thankful that although another trip to the philippines (in actual size) is far in our future, that here in the land of lincoln, we could pool our wealth of resources together and offer up a little, precious, breathtaking slice of the islands to the stateside masses...
now, if we can only get a kalesa and a jeepney ride around the pier... ooh! and a fish ball vendor!
i REEEEALLY hope you'll take advantage of this great event! maybe we'll see you there!
* my one and only bowl of pancit... i was ROBBED.
* yes, eventually someone told this boy that these were instruments and not clothing. ;)
i just received the link to an online petition for Richards v. H&M Hennes & Mauritz:
the petition demands:
1. That H&M terminates Joseph H. (the individual who made the anti-Asian, xenophobic, and misogynist verbal attack) AND discipline the managers who did not quickly intervene.
2. That H&M changes and enforces its cultural diversity classes.
3. That H&M recognizes and understands that ignorant and racial remarks towards H&M customers from H&M employees should never ever be tolerated.
4. That immediate and serious intervention should take place from an H&M manager when a complaint about an H&M employee is made by an H&M customer regarding a racial remark from the H&M employee.
I will not shop at H&M until this is resolved. As a customer, I should be able to go shopping at a retail store without being verbally abused by an employee who uses racial slurs.
please sign the petition and pass the word on... Boycott H&M!!!
all the way there, on the metra, the L, the walk, i thought about how it was my turn to pick up the torch that generations of filipinos before me carried and i felt truly empowered. then i got there to find that i was the oldest sistah there. (old fart, much?)
later, some of our "elders" showed up. but i gotta say that after two and a half hours of marching, screaming and sign holding. i am plum tuckered out. and rethinking that whole torch bearing business... maybe i should leave this to the young'uns. ;)
i don't know what the organizers of the protest thought, but i was really happy with the turn out and the energy, positivity and dedication that the protesters brought with them. the majority of the protesters were filipino/asian but there were caucasian, latino and african american protesters too. every once in a while, passersby would stop to see what the protest was about and then actually ask for a sign to help protest.
if you're curious we screamed the following:
"2, 4, 6, 8, H&M discriminates!"
"H&M racist! H&M sexist!"
"What do we want? Justice! When do we want it? Now!"
there were about five people near the front door passing out flyers about the protest and i saw how they persuaded customers from shopping there today. unfortunately, we couldn't persuade everyone not to shop at the h&m store. at one point, an older woman (and i could have sworn she was wearing a neck brace) shouted at us that she would never stop shopping at h&m. it was disappointing to see so many women of color shopping there and it was especially heartbreaking to see a handful of asian people walk in to shop.
i haven't heard anything yet about whether or not H&M has taken any action re: their racist *ss employee. our local cbs news crew was there, the local filipino news show, CPR-TV was there, and there were what looked like reporters taking notes and quotes... there were also many video cameras and digital cameras out - hopefully, there will be some youtube videos.
already, pics are posted to flickr here, some are mine even! :)
hopefully, all of our hard work will have paid off. i can't express in words how proud i was to protest alongside such great people.
UPDATE: i just received this comment via my personal blog:
10.02 Hey everyone!
We wanted to post the final arrangements and clarify information regarding the protest in front of H&M on Saturday, October 6th. It will start at 10:00am and last until 11:00am! Media will be contacted and asked to cover the protest from 10:00am - 10:30am. Please meet in front of H&M, 840 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago no later than 9:55am. Who is leading it? Family and friends of Frannie (LosBañes) Richards, there is no specific person or persons. Do we need a permit? NO; just keep moving in sync in a line and do not block the entrance ways of the stores on that block or the street. Please do not disrupt traffic.
The previous tentative message & VIA Times presented a tentative time of 10:00-1:00pm. Because those were tentative times, we are informing you of when the media is informed to be there. We are hoping that you would be able to be there at that time. We apologize for such short notice. We understand that you have busy lives and truly appreciate all the support you have given to us! You are welcome to stay until 1:00pm but most of the people arriving at 10:00am are planning to leave at 11:00am. We were not expecting a huge crowd. Thank you for spreading the word! Please continue to help educate others on how discrimination towards any gender and any race is intolerable and unacceptable. We know you will act civil and that you understand this is a peaceful and informative march.
Thanks again for all your time and support!
Hope to see you there:
October 6th, Saturday H&M 840 North Michigan Ave Chicago , IL 60611 10:00AM CST-11:00 CST
"A Filipino American woman is suing clothing chain H&M on allegations of anti-Asian and sexual harrassment, claiming that on a recent trip to the Magnificent Mile store, employees called her a "mail-order bride" and made fun of her ability to understand English: Woman Says She Was Harassed For Ethnicity At H&M. The Asian American Institute has filed a discrimination complaint with the City of Chicago Commission on Human Relations, seeking redress for Frannie Richards, who says that in addition to the "mail order bride" comments and ridicule of her English, an H&M employee made mocking "ching chong" noises at her. That's racist! And when she complained to management, they refused to do anything about it. What the hell?
Now, this kind of mocking and harrassment is nothing new—we've all had to deal with this crap on some level. It sucks. But this ain't the schoolyard. This is a freakin' clothing store. People should be able to shop in peace without feeling insulted and humiliated like this. It's ridiculous. Here's the Asian American Institute's press release on the incident: Asian American Institute Represents Filipino American Nurse Harassed by H&M Employee.
And here's a Filipino American news report on it up on YouTube: H&M Racist.
I've heard rumors of a protest being planned for this Saturday outside the Magnificent Mile store. If anyone out there has further details about the gathering, let me know."
we were listening to ella fitzgerald in the car yesterday and fascinating rhythm came on and the lyrics resonated with me more than ever before....
last thursday, i got the chance to see the beastie boys (again) @ northerly island with some of my (formerly san francisco) b-girls. there aren't enough superlatives to describe the show or the performances or the boys themselves (yo quiero MCA!). suffice to say, i was rendered deaf and mute by 11 p.m. and BIG LOVE to the city of chicago itself for looking absolutely stunning and providing such a breathtaking background for the band. it made getting trampled on by the *ssholes in the mosh pit OK! (no, not really.) check out some pics here and some videos here. i also heard music from a band i'd never heard of - the jazz crusaders:
came to town to play a couple of nights at the green mill. it was crowded when i walked in friday night, but i made sure to wear something sparkly so that lavay or chris would see me. and it worked - she saw me, waved, complained that i was wearing something too sparkly and dedicated "everybody's talking about miss thing" to lil ol' me... *blush*
drinking, drunkdialing and dancing ensued....
thankfully, the thin man was nice enough to let me sleep most of it off on saturday. and then, my mom rescued both of us on sunday.
today is monday, i think, and thirtysomething parenting normalcy (and my hearing and voice) has returned for the most part - the palomas tantrums, the porkchop's screaming in lieu of language, the mama melodrama, the snackage, the constantly going up and down the stairs and the continuous loop of pixars' cars movie, etc, etc, etc....
sometimes when i wake up, i feel rested... or tired... or nothing... or dread... like yesterday.
it's been a tough 10 days or so... i kinda lost count after the first few days. the thin man was preparing for a trial and then, he was in the midst of it. so, our days and nights were long, trying and chaotic.
it was also the paloma's first week back at school so there were changes to our routines again and then there was the rain.... i'm also due for a visit from "aunt flo" who is remarkably different and *ahem* pronounced, emotionally and physically, since the arrival of my two children....
i needed a break yesterday and so the thin man offered to drop me off downtown... when he asked me where i wanted to be dropped off, i couldn't think where.
i mean where could i go when all i wanted to do was lose myself in grief, anger and loss and then cleanse with a celebration of spirit, friendship and joyful love? what place would be quiet and sacred enough for me to think clearly and meditate deeply and loud enough so that i could scream until i was mute and breathless?
so, i punted and said, "drop me off at the art institute."
my best friend, andra, and i would spend our free time together one of two ways.... wandering aimlessly in evanston or wandering aimlessly downtown. evanston is too much of a hike, now that we've moved so far south ergo downtown.
as soon as i walked through the art institute's monstrously heavy door, i regretted it. i wasn't even sure why i was there. so much of the art has been moved or taken off display that it was almost insulting to her memory to be here at all. but, i didn't have any better ideas... so i kept going on my bitter unfocused way...
i entered the thorne rooms first - one of our favorite exhibits. we used to say that teeny tiny people lived in the rooms because the accessories in some of the rooms looked as if someone had literally walked away to use the bathroom, to get the mail, to pick up the baby, to have clandestine sex in the broom closet, etc...
i thought about her room in her old house and what it would be like to make a diorama of it... a book open on her bed, dollops of paint still wet on a pallette on the floor and an unfinished canvas propped up against the lower part of a wall. a green jean jacket hanging slack from a chair. as i turned the final corner of the horseshoe shaped exhibit, i thought i'd feel better, but the memories made her more distant and the detailed intricacy of the thorne rooms more ridiculous and fanciful.
i made my way back up the marble stairs. looking down at my aching feet, wondering, "should i stay or should i go?" i forgot about the soft worn slopes of the stone steps and how we couldn't imagine calculating how many feet had tread them to make them so.
eventually, i always find myself in front of the chagall windows, but they've been removed to protect them from the construction of the new modern wing. defeated, i veered right and up into the rice building hoping to find something... anything familiar. aside from finding the jeff wall exhibit (which i can only describe as dramatically cinematic transparency theatre), i happily found where - the o'keefes, american gothic, and the ivan albrights - most of the american stuff had been moved.
and then, i remembered that i hadn't seen the baccarat paperweights in a while, another one of our favorite things to see in the museum. i made my way down two levels and found them again easily... they're a bit dusty but still breathtaking and stunning to me... especially, my favorite paperweight - the large one with the blood red glass gecko frozen inside a bubbly sphere surrounded by flowers.
and then, it was clear why i came to the museum.
there's a native american proverb that goes something like "we will be known forever, by the tracks we leave." and she, andra, had left tracks on everything at the museum - every painting, sculpture, drawing, every thing was a mutual friend/acquaintance of ours... i needed to be around something or someone who knew her and remembered her. and andra had left her tracks on me. finally, my mood lifted.
after spending some more time (with andra) at the museum and its store, i left at noon. i went across the street to watch puppetbike (my new favorite thing to do in chicago and something i'm sure she would have LOVED). i crossed back over to au bon pain, got a sandwich, an orange scone and a tea - another of our old traditions. my heart and my tummy were full. :)
so, i walked to the macy's protest. it was so old school, so heartwarming, to see passionate chicagoans banding together for a really worthy cause - CHICAGO! when i got there, i got interviewed by a reporter (no, she didn't quote me in her story - even though she kept saying, "that's a GREAT quote!") and after answering her questions, i actually got all choked up and almost started to cry. i'm sure this reporter thought i was crazy for getting so emotional over a store (don't get me started).
but really... all i was thinking was, "i get it. sometimes change is good. like puppetbike. but othertimes, like Macy's... not so much. and MOST times, like no... today, sept. 10... not at all."
first off, we got her dressed in her best "theatre" pink (check out how they spelled "theatre". omg. how elitist can you get? - god forbid it be "carnation" pink or "bubble gum" pink. tsk tsk, our low unplucked brow is showing...) to attend her first "REAL" dance class at a "REAL" dance school. i'd link up the school but i took some photos on the sly... well, not too sly since the teacher was standing in front of me, and the flash kept going off. but they specifically asked that photos not be taken. so, ixnay on the otophay akingtay!
she and her classmates were so cute... under normal circumstances, i am my usual non-traditional self, boo-hooing and bah-humbuging the pink=girl, boy=blue paradigm. but, it was almost primeval. i could feel the overwhelming cuteness factor enveloping me while i watched the graceful whirling and floating brushstrokes o' watercolored pink... ok. i seriously have to listen to some sex pistols or something now...
the class is called creative movement 2 for 4 year olds. it's the class they take before pre-ballet at this particular school. i was so bummed that there were no boys in the class. the pork chop LOVES to dance and i think he'd love to take this class eventually too. he'd look so cute in one of those white shirt, black pant ensembles...
did you hear that? that was all the dads collectively rolling their eyes and their masculinity groaning in severe pain and anguish. oh relax. go pee on something standing up.
they started by doing some stretching. then, they did a lot of character dancing - dance like a bird, dance like a cat, dance like you have ants in your pants... and for the most part, the girls (who (we, the parents agreed ) are apparently a bunch of snarling blood thirsty wolves in sheep's clothing) listened very well. and of course, we were also thinking, don't kill the nice ballet teacher and pianist, girls! you look better in theatre pink than jailhouse orange!
the ballet school is very close to crown fountain in millenium park so, because she managed to delay getting thrown out of ballet class for behavior issues did so well, we thought we'd treat her (and ourselves) to some refreshing splashes in the water.
apparently, while the three of them were splashing around and i was off talking pictures. the paloma got admonished by another parent. the thin man told me later that the paloma splashed a boy with water. then, the boy splashed her back. then, the paloma angrily said something like "hey! don't splash me!" to which the boy's mother responded with something like "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SPLASHED BACK. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SPLASH SOMEONE IN THE FIRST PLACE."
although the thin man had no problem with this, i was NOT amused. i get that the mom's problem with the paloma was that she was screaming about her kid splashing her. but, knowing the paloma like i do, it wouldn't surprise me if she had done something like this to a good friend or a cousin or the pork chop. however, i cannot imagine her just splashing another child without provocation. it's just not like her. it bothers me because the mom took her son's side immediately, instead of trying to figure out the whole story and maybe help the children to play together better. the paloma ends up being publicly humiliated and comes away feeling "bad" instead of with a lesson about how (not)to treat people who may or may not become new friends. and really, is it EVER ok to yell at someone else's kid? really? 'cause short of a threat of serious bodily injury to my child, i just wouldn't do that.... and no, it's not a "model minority" thing. it's a "i don't think i'm really helping any situation by yelling at 4 year old" kind of thing...
this reminded me of a conversation i had with another mom about our moms' generation of moms and how we grew up feeling like the the "alleys had eyes". i remember saying a swear word once in the alley (two alleys really) behind my house. i thought i was SO cool. until i got home. where i got a "severe talking to" by my filipino mom, who found out about it thru the mom of a polish kid, who had overheard me say the word while playing in their puerto rican neighbors backyard.
despite all the 70s' "irresponsible" parenting mistakes and horror stories we hear about... sleeping on our tummies, our lead laced environment, all the missing safety restraints, the monkey bars of DOOM, the merry go rounds of NEVER RETURN and the see-saws of DEATH... i dunno... at least, our parents seemed like they were playing on the same team instead of against each other.
lastly, the paloma got to ride her new bike after a visit to jamba juice, a lunch and a restful nap.
i'll never forget my first bike. it was an old, rusted, dented, purple, kid sized schwinn that we got at a garage sale. i got up really early one morning. it was still a little dark. i taught myself to ride it by getting on, pedaling for my life and falling off - over and over and over again. by early evening, my knees and elbows were shredded and bloody. but, i'd figured it out how to ride a bike.
later, my mom bought me a DREAMY bike from another garage sale. it was another schwinn but close to mint condition. it was a glitter sky blue color with a white and silver glitter banana seat. it was heaven.
as you can see, the paloma has the "luxury" of a helmet and training wheels. yea! how i worship ye, oh safety product gods!!! i thought she did pretty well on her maiden voyage. she really never figured out the whole tricycle thing. but, the thin man was complaining about the bad pavements preventing her from really getting the hang of it.
yeah right, babe. you just keep on blaming the pavement. ;) i can't wait until you have to teach her how to drive stick.
sometimes, the thin man and i marvel at the paloma and the porkchop - about how quickly she started talking and how quickly he started walking... and now, i'm actually beginning to worry that they're getting that... spunk?... moxie?... gumption?... egads, aggression?... from me.
yesterday morning, i read a post called "transformations" over at chicago chick (who btw - is getting her family ready for the sale of their current condo and eventually the move into their new house, while weathering the plagues of financial hemorraging, physical torture and mental distress. hang in there, girl!).
anyway, in her post, she wrote something that has been on my mind ever since i read it:
"Yesterday I asked David if he loved me and he said that he loved me more lately. Of course I asked "Whaddaya mean LATELY?". His response was that he loved me more since I decided to become part of his marriage. Huh? He went on to explain that I am so independent that at times he didn't think I was his better half..... Maybe I'm mellowing out or maybe I'm just too tired to go the remainder of my life alone, but he's right. I am very independent and it will probably never change but I have learned to rely on him more."
coincidentally, i've been thinking a lot about my own independence (or lack thereof) and i just happened to flip thru a book of daily inspirations for the year (i've also been feeling a little uninspired as of late) and today, march 28, is devoted to "cultivating a self assured attitude". it says:
"....Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. Self assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and that you don't have to do it all by yourself..... When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not at all sure that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself...."
of course, when i read this i had a "yeah. no sh*t, sherlock." moment. but, then it hit me. i am really not as self assured as i think i am. i'm not as self assured as i used to be, even a year ago. sometimes, i think with each passing day, that i am becoming less and less self assured.
honestly, i've never assumed that i would always get what i needed. and i rarely feel that i am in the process of getting what i need.
i know intellectually that there are friends and family and sometimes even complete strangers who make themselves available to me for help. but i ALWAYS feel like i have to do it all by myself. i NEED to do things by myself. and i do this for two reasons 1) i don't want to feel like i owe anyone anything (even if it's a pair of marshmallow peeps). 2) i don't want to appear weak or inferior or disabled (looking the way i do, it's almost a given, as in - ("she MUST be disabled, just look at her").
as a child, i wanted to grow up fast for my mom. she never asked me to do so but i just knew, it was hard for her to be a single mom, to make enough money to keep us fed, clothed and sheltered. it was difficult for her to work so often and so dilligently and know that i almost always came home to an empty house. life was always especially tough when i got sick or when i was due for another operation. my mother used to scold me all time for trying to do everything too quickly and certainly before i was old enough to learn, or rather, NEEDED to learn life/survival skills that she, as an adult, took for granted. i didn't want her to think that i was "behind" the average child my age. i needed to show her that she wouldn't always have to look after me.
eventually, as a single adult, i fashioned a life for myself. and i mean "fashioned" in the truest sense. i dreamt it up and meticulously designed it. drafted the pattern. shopped for the finest materials and notions to lovingly create it - cut it out, sewed it up, made some alterations - and it fit me like a glove. and to the general public, it probably looked like most "haute couture" garments - unwearable, confining, impractical, eccentric, maybe even a little fugly. but it was my life. and it sounds weird, but i especially felt like i had finally released my mom from her responsiblities re: me. i was finally and happily the only one responsible for me.
everywhere i had lived, i had always made sure that i could live there on my terms. at the very least, i (as a single asian female) had to live somewhere that was within my means, relatively safe, had public transit and/or the random taxi nearby and a grocery store within walking distance.
now, i'm married and a mother and i've taken on the responsibilities of caring for three other precious lives outside of my own. and almost every other day, i feel like i've failed one of them, if not all of them. a few days ago, i told the thin man that recently i started feeling like i was working retail again. i feel that same obligation i felt at former mcjobs to always smile when customers were nearby. i don't want to feel this way around my family or friends. i find myself feeling isolated both physically and emotionally (which isn't really a stretch for someone as antisocial/shy as me but it's been BAD lately).
when we moved to our house and this neighborhood, it fit the above criteria - pretty much. but with time i realized the harsh reality is this:
i'm living in a house that although it is BEAUTIFUL is way too big for me to care for and by virtue of its age will probably always need something fixed or replaced or installed. our neighborhood, one of the handful of chicago "cop and firemen" neighborhoods, is very safe but because of it's troubled racial history feels strangely unpredictable and volatile to me. although i live close to the commuter train stop, i am at the mercy of the train's (sometimes hourly) schedule (not to mention, two dueling toddler nap schedules and the short, easily tired legs of a four year old). although we live in chicago, taxi cabs (and they are legion, prowling like sharks for chum) do not wander aimlessly this far south. we live very close to a really great local organic grocer but it doesn't stock EVERY SINGLE THING i need. a grocery run might actually include separate trips to the drugstore, the liquor store and the italian deli - which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't all located at the furthest corners of the neighborhood. and it's just plain hard to get groceries in the height of a midwestern subzero winter (or even an extra hot and humid summer) with two children.
as a stay at home mom to two children, it's no surprise that i should feel confined to my home. but as a stay at home mom who doesn't drive (literally scared sh*tless to drive & bad eyesight), i'm also confined to the perimeters of our neighborhood (but, i can only visit the same places a few times a week before i start to look like a would be mrs. robinson to all the would be benjamin braddocks' at the local borders bookstore and i can only buy so much yarn and knit a handful of projects before i start to resemble a reluctant bachelorette stereotype...)
so the bottom line is i'm left to rely on others pretty much ALL THE TIME. i have little to no independence of my own. i rely on the thin man or family or friends for errands i cannot complete. if neither the thin man nor i can get groceries, i rely on peapod to deliver. sometimes, we find that we don't have any fixings for a good dinner and so we have to order it up - there are very few restaurants in the neighborhood. and many of them don't deliver. although we have met with pediatricians down here, i make the majority of our ped appts with our northside office (who know our histories) and only on weekends, when the thin man's schedule can accomodate us. occasionally, i rely on neighbors to drive the paloma to school when the weather is too brutal to drag the porkchop out on the walk to and from preschool (twice). any other kind of retail shopping (therapy) or diversionary gallivanting has to be done in a neighboring south suburb or on the north side (which is infinitely prettier) and, if being done with children, needs the use of a car. and have ya seen the dan ryan expressway recently?
realistically, we can't move. we really can't afford to move anywhere else and where else COULD we move? this neighborhood, with its great schools, parks, inexpensive, abundant and architecturally diverse housing, fellow cool & hip transplanted neighbors is really perfect for a young family like ours. i know this intellectually. but emotionally, i am completely torn up about it. i have never in my life felt so useless, so worthless, so powerless... like i so often do now. i worry about how this is affecting my overall mental and physical health, each unique relationship i have - with my husband, my children, my family members and friends...
all of which makes for a very very unhappy, very uncertain mamazilla.
