boo boo draft, take 2.

paloma & me (& porkchop, in the oven), 10/2005

a friendly word of unsolicited advice for my fellow bloggers who are clearing out their drafts folder in anticipation of some pre-spring cleaning....

i was going to delete all of my drafts without looking at them...  i know, WHAT?!

thank goodness i had a change of heart...  i found something i wrote in 2005:

"early in the morning, before any rational human being is normally up, even before the yappy dogs next door start to bark, paloma and i can usually be found underneath a down comforter - i try to coax her back to sleep, she gently pokes around my head whispering "mommy nose", "mommy eye", "mommy ear", "mommy hair".
well, recently, on another one of those quiet dark mornings, she gently poked my neck (see: cystic hygroma) and said, "mommy boo boo".

i knew this day would come and similar days will follow. the stolen looks will grow into questions and the questions into conversations. and eventually, she'll be disappointed and somehow i'll have to swallow all of it up for her, like all the many times i've done it before with all of my loved ones, and gradually siphon away a little bit at a time - forever - because that's what i do ...

a few years back, the thin man (pre-kid) and i were in vegas for some reason a few months after our wedding. we were newlyweds, just back from our honeymoon.  we were walking down the main drag and i caught someone's eye - some random guy...  and i saw it coming, like clockwork, this random guy turned into instant thoughtless jerk and yelled something insulting at me about my neck.  i kept walking and in that split second said a silent prayer, hoping the thin man hadn't heard.  but he had and turned right around and shoved him, almost starting a fist fight...  i managed to pull him away and some random tourists got in the way of the jerk but there it was...  a vacation day almost ruined by ignorant hurtful words....

how do i realistically go about teaching my child to tolerate imperfection? what is the consolation in knowing that chaos is the genuine nature of nature? or that beauty is "in the eye of the beholder"?
what possible consolation can i offer her if/and/or when she's teased at school? besides (getting another surgery that will not solve anything really...)

i'm constantly fending off the thin man's requests to meet the elementary volleyball team he coaches. i do it mostly because paloma always interrupts games by chasing after the ball in play. but, i don't want to meet them because after a day with paloma, i don't have the energy to withstand the innocent scrutiny."

to say the least i'm glad i paused to preview this post...  it's been a lifetime since the paloma had so few words...  (lol!)  

recently, the kids have confessed to me that their classmates are very curious about me and sometimes not very nice about it.  my heart aches and sometimes breaks for my kids and the regular (hopefully, not daily) teasing they endure by classmates at school.   

i thought after living thru a tough childhood, i'd be prepared for a second and third one lived by my children...  as a kid, i learned not to hide....  to embrace my inner and outer freak, to raise my freak flag high... ;)  my mother helped by not fighting to "normalize" me for the comfort of everyone else.  

but it's much tougher the second and third time around... i know childhood is tough anyway....  but it absolutely kills me that my "normal" kids get teased because of their "abnormal" mom....  a long time ago, i considered going back for more corrective surgery after i got scared by some other moms who predicted this scenario...  but, i couldn't justify going under the knife again, to normalize myself for nameless faceless people i hadn't even met yet.... 

the kids have become very good at explaining basic science (you don't have brown hair like me, does that make you weird or just different? if you are i are different, why is one of us weird and the other isn't?) and talking to their friends about their feelings (when you talk about my mom like that, i don't like it and i don't want to talk to you right now.)

i'm so proud of them for being able to talk about it so openly and courageously. they get that from the thin man. i was never a talkative child and am not usually a talkative person.  but their text is something that i know backwards and forwards, sadly...  i also know how comforting it feels to whisper your worries to an open heart/mind, to give and receive unlimited and spontaneous hugs, to embrace the parts of your self that the rest of world is seemingly afraid of, and to pray and hope for friendship, tolerance and peace.

in the almost 10 years, i've been a mom, i've failed at so many events, so many times...  hopefully, this is my event, the one that lands me a ribbon....  :)  

(ok, besides the "i can do everything with one hand wrapped around a baby" ribbon....)

thanks for coming by and reading, i hope you had a pleasant "re-entry" monday...  :)

conversations with paloma

saturday -

paloma (& porkchop) - PLEeeeEEEEeeeeeEEeeASE PLAY THE SONG ABOUT CRAZINESS AND PEPSI!!!!!  I JUST WANT A PEPSI!!!!



today -

paloma: mom, do you know what ewoks are?

me: animals that live on the forest moon of endor (*geekhighfive*)

paloma: no.  they're reanimated teddy bears.

me:  do you even know what reanimated means?

paloma:  yes.  yes i do.

me:  O_o

*mental note: buy that surveillance camera...

paloma vs. bicycle

more than a gazillion times a day i feel that i am a failure as a parent... a couple of days ago however - i felt like a superhero... thanks, paloma, i love you and i'm SO PROUD of you! :') just when i (sadly) thought i wouldn't be experiencing too many more firsts...



of course, paloma really did all the work... clearly. and this REI video helped the both of us IMMENSELY...

we've been struggling for SO long to try to teach paloma to ride a bike... and until a couple of days ago... it never even occurred to me to look for resources online... both the thin man and i had learned "the hard way" with all the requisite falls and cuts/scrapes...

my mom and papa never taught me how to ride. i don't think either of them know how... my lola (grandmother) kept advising against it, worried that i'd... wait for it.... LOSE MY VIRGINITY... (i didn't find this out until later) is that an old filipino superstition?? i dunno...

the one time my mom tried to ride a bike, she fell into a bank of bushes of a neighboring house and got yelled at... it took the whole summer for those ridiculous bushes to grow out the human shaped impression my mom made... *snort* :)

i remember waking up at 5 am one morning in grade school... i woke up before my mom and lola, on a saturday, because i didn't want them to worry or stop me... and i just started pedaling up and down the block until i got it, a handful of hours later to my mom's glee and my lola's cautious praying... :)

when we took off paloma's training wheels, she just kept falling and each fall seemingly chipped away at what little confidence she had about the whole situation... . we eased off and the bike sat dusty in the garage...

it'd been so long since we tried to teach her again that she'd outgrown her old bike. we found a great used bike (for a fantastic price - actually so did porkchop and me) at play it again sports - wrigleyville. i asked the salesperson if training wheels could be added and he suggested that we not put training wheels and just take the pedals off... and automatically, i thought, "really?? i'll have to look that up..." duh. NOW? i think about looking it up... serious placenta dementia, no?? :)

i'm so thankful for that salesperson and the REI video and all the helpful advice/positive reinforcement!

soooo looking forward to riding bikes with my (not so) little girl!!!!

WwwwwHEEEeeee!!!

perspective from a bridge...

just an fyi - i have a new post up at filipina moms titled, "perspective from a bridge", about how i feebly manage to educate the kids about their filipino heritage... hope you like it. :)

btw - i had these really grand and delusional plans to publish another post (in addition to the filipina moms post) about today's adventures in potty training the porkchop... but after jumping (and jumping and jumping) in rain puddles (while walking for miiiiiiiiiiiles in search of aforementioned puddles) early this morning.... and then jumping into potty training.... and then trying to make dinner from a totally new recipe with a totally new grill pan, while simultaneously training the failing and fountainous, but smiley and jolly porkchop....

*waving white flag*

me tired. me go bed now.

fire bad. tree pretty. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

theatre pink

it was a busy weekend for la diva, the paloma....

first off, we got her dressed in her best "theatre" pink (check out how they spelled "theatre". omg. how elitist can you get? - god forbid it be "carnation" pink or "bubble gum" pink. tsk tsk, our low unplucked brow is showing...) to attend her first "REAL" dance class at a "REAL" dance school. i'd link up the school but i took some photos on the sly... well, not too sly since the teacher was standing in front of me, and the flash kept going off. but they specifically asked that photos not be taken. so, ixnay on the otophay akingtay!

she and her classmates were so cute... under normal circumstances, i am my usual non-traditional self, boo-hooing and bah-humbuging the pink=girl, boy=blue paradigm. but, it was almost primeval. i could feel the overwhelming cuteness factor enveloping me while i watched the graceful whirling and floating brushstrokes o' watercolored pink... ok. i seriously have to listen to some sex pistols or something now...

the class is called creative movement 2 for 4 year olds. it's the class they take before pre-ballet at this particular school. i was so bummed that there were no boys in the class. the pork chop LOVES to dance and i think he'd love to take this class eventually too. he'd look so cute in one of those white shirt, black pant ensembles...

did you hear that? that was all the dads collectively rolling their eyes and their masculinity groaning in severe pain and anguish. oh relax. go pee on something standing up.

they started by doing some stretching. then, they did a lot of character dancing - dance like a bird, dance like a cat, dance like you have ants in your pants... and for the most part, the girls (who (we, the parents agreed ) are apparently a bunch of snarling blood thirsty wolves in sheep's clothing) listened very well. and of course, we were also thinking, don't kill the nice ballet teacher and pianist, girls! you look better in theatre pink than jailhouse orange!

the ballet school is very close to crown fountain in millenium park so, because she managed to delay getting thrown out of ballet class for behavior issues did so well, we thought we'd treat her (and ourselves) to some refreshing splashes in the water.

apparently, while the three of them were splashing around and i was off talking pictures. the paloma got admonished by another parent. the thin man told me later that the paloma splashed a boy with water. then, the boy splashed her back. then, the paloma angrily said something like "hey! don't splash me!" to which the boy's mother responded with something like "IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET SPLASHED BACK. MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SPLASH SOMEONE IN THE FIRST PLACE."

although the thin man had no problem with this, i was NOT amused. i get that the mom's problem with the paloma was that she was screaming about her kid splashing her. but, knowing the paloma like i do, it wouldn't surprise me if she had done something like this to a good friend or a cousin or the pork chop. however, i cannot imagine her just splashing another child without provocation. it's just not like her. it bothers me because the mom took her son's side immediately, instead of trying to figure out the whole story and maybe help the children to play together better. the paloma ends up being publicly humiliated and comes away feeling "bad" instead of with a lesson about how (not)to treat people who may or may not become new friends. and really, is it EVER ok to yell at someone else's kid? really? 'cause short of a threat of serious bodily injury to my child, i just wouldn't do that.... and no, it's not a "model minority" thing. it's a "i don't think i'm really helping any situation by yelling at 4 year old" kind of thing...

this reminded me of a conversation i had with another mom about our moms' generation of moms and how we grew up feeling like the the "alleys had eyes". i remember saying a swear word once in the alley (two alleys really) behind my house. i thought i was SO cool. until i got home. where i got a "severe talking to" by my filipino mom, who found out about it thru the mom of a polish kid, who had overheard me say the word while playing in their puerto rican neighbors backyard.

despite all the 70s' "irresponsible" parenting mistakes and horror stories we hear about... sleeping on our tummies, our lead laced environment, all the missing safety restraints, the monkey bars of DOOM, the merry go rounds of NEVER RETURN and the see-saws of DEATH... i dunno... at least, our parents seemed like they were playing on the same team instead of against each other.

lastly, the paloma got to ride her new bike after a visit to jamba juice, a lunch and a restful nap.

i'll never forget my first bike. it was an old, rusted, dented, purple, kid sized schwinn that we got at a garage sale. i got up really early one morning. it was still a little dark. i taught myself to ride it by getting on, pedaling for my life and falling off - over and over and over again. by early evening, my knees and elbows were shredded and bloody. but, i'd figured it out how to ride a bike.

later, my mom bought me a DREAMY bike from another garage sale. it was another schwinn but close to mint condition. it was a glitter sky blue color with a white and silver glitter banana seat. it was heaven.

as you can see, the paloma has the "luxury" of a helmet and training wheels. yea! how i worship ye, oh safety product gods!!! i thought she did pretty well on her maiden voyage. she really never figured out the whole tricycle thing. but, the thin man was complaining about the bad pavements preventing her from really getting the hang of it.

yeah right, babe. you just keep on blaming the pavement. ;) i can't wait until you have to teach her how to drive stick.

first day of summer vacation...

it's only 10:30 am and already i want to kill myself. there is NO WAY i will survive until september.... the epitaph on my headstone will read:

"here lies mamazilla, who lost her battle
with glitter glue and googly eyes"

UPDATE: after i wrote this post, i started thinking more about summer vacations past and wrote "what i did on my summer vacation" on chicagomomsblog.com

mother's day wishes

admittedly, i am usually a big scrooge when it comes to what i consider hallmark holidays - mothers day, valentines day, sweetest day, etc... let's just say, i'm a skeptic... i'm a cynical romantic when it comes to the institutionalized holiday...

even if it's a day that's meant for me, to celebrate motherhood, to thank moms, to dedicate hours of gift making, searching and giving to well loved moms over a tasty sunday brunch, to reunite mothers against war and most importantly, to remind you to plant tomatoes on the following monday and not one minute before (i'm so not making that up)...

anyhoo, fellow mamazillas - i do truly wish you a happy, happy mothers day... thanks for reading, please keep the reality checks, the laughter and the honesty coming... a list of my wishes for you (and i suppose myself, of course) follows (and not in any order of importance necessarily):

* that you get the day off... really and truly off... regardless of where you are physically located in relation to where your children are physically located... and with pay...

* that the diaper bag fairy visits your house and packs the diaper bag so that the above can actually happen...

* that you get to take a shower... or a bath (whoa, nelly!) ... not one of those RUSH jobs mind you... but one of those showers/baths that you used to take pre-children.. the ones when you got to use the expensive shampoo and conditioner that you splurged on at the salon, when you used a facial scrub and a body scrub, when you used a loofah and a pumice stone, when you got to shave with a new blade and a womens shaving cream... and the shower doesn't end there - no. you get to use your lotion (face and body) and again, don't rush in the application... you get to blow dry and style you hair like you used to be able to, you get to give yourself a mini ped - to clean and tidy up for sandal weather... you get to pluck your eyebrows and maybe even put on some makeup and spritz on some perfume...

*that you get to wear an outfit that is trendy, comfortable and flattering and not something you wear everyday out of necessity... put the track suit down, sistah. you know the outfit i'm talking about... it's calling for you, girlfriend....

* that you get to brush and floss your teeth... after every meal... like your dentist said... not just after the nightly weather report and after the kids go to bed. 'cause no one likes getting reprimanded by a dentist and no one likes to clean dentures.

* that mother nature cooperates and gives you a sun dappled and temperate day... honey, enough with the wildfires, the floods, the tornadoes, the cicada plagues...

* that screaming, crying, tantrum throwing not commence until after aforementioned showering and toothbrushing.... unless aforementioned actions are your own.... you go girl. just remember - there's a universal remote to replace the one you throw against a wall....

* that you will deflect any and all bodily fluids/secretions that are not your own... and i mean deflect - like wonderwoman with the bulletproof bracelets... and that outft WILL NOT COME OFF until you take it off at the end of the day... no wandering marinara spaghetti noodles or errant juice boxes allowed!

* that you do not catch another cold or flu... FOREVER... and if you do... that someone is there to help care for you too.

* that you either get to spend quality time with the kids or that you get to spend some quality time with yourself.... or both... and relative to this, that you will not feel any guilt for doing so...

* that you actually get to eat all three square meals at a human pace... not like a hummingbird. or a twentysomething supermodel. (how wrong is it that you eat like a supermodel and have no runway cred?)

* that you will purchase/receive something for you - not for the benefit of decorating the house or for extracurricular activities to do with the children or to put in the tote bag to drop off at the thrift store... read a book with more than seven pages, listen to something else besides dan zanes*, watch a movie that wasn't produced by disney, eat something besides the remnants of your children's meals and drink something other than the last of the apple juice spiked with sprite.... (*disclaimer... i'd totally see dan zanes... by myself...)

* that you get to talk to at least one person today... hopefully, within a few years of your generation or at least within a foot of your height... preferably, in person - not on the phone or online... someone that you've been meaning to talk to... to catch up, to get to know better, to practice words of more that one syllable, sentence syntax, grammar...

* that you do something that you don't normally do... go somewhere you wouldn't usually go... because the stroller wouldn't fit in the aisles, because the kids couldn't be trusted to look with their eyes and not with their hands, because you don't have enough time,etc...

* that you get to take a nap. even though you might not need one... or at least pretend to take one and then use that time to do the NYT crossword....

* that you know, today and everyday, that you are more than adequate, that you may not be the multifaceted superwoman you thought you were going to be and may never be... but that you are the best mother that you can be to your children and that your best is good enough.... and if not, just revise your version - motherhood 1.0, 2.0, 6.0, etc... y'know, i bet the best software developers are moms.

of course, right after i clicked "publish" - i realized three things...

1) in the rare event that my mom (who apparently can never find her inbox nor emails from me) finds out about this blog: thanks mom for making what could have been a very dark life, illuminated and illuminating... mahal kita. i can only hope that i'm as good a stay at home mom as you were a work outside of the home mom....

2) i also want to recognize those friends of mine (who may or may not read this blog) who have experienced the loss of their mother or the loss of a child and those who really did not have relationships with their mothers... i just wanted to say that i'm thinking about you as well today and hoping that it goes by as quickly or slowly as you want it... that it's a day to reminisce about the best and warmest times with moms or children, a day to build and dream about the future...

3) and to thank all the "extra" moms (i have plenty of "extra" dads too) for everything they did for me, when my mom (or me) needed a little help, a little guidance, a free hug... to my zillions of aunties, my mother in law, teachers and mentors. i cannot express my deepest and most heartfelt thanks in words....

WOO-HOO!!! PALOMA SLEPT IN HER BIG GIRL BED LAST NIGHT!!!!

per the advice of other mamazillas, i bought guard rails and a new toy (bullseye from toy story 2) in preparation for paloma's transition from crib to bed. actually, it's been all set up now for a couple of days (bed & rails).

last night, after our regular scheduled night time routine, i just mentioned to her that we were probably going to try sleeping in the big girl bed in a few days. i pointed to the bed and said "big girl bed" and then to the crib saying "baby crib". and paloma said "no! big girl bed".

i was A W E S T R U C K and skeptical.... i mean how could this one-month-shy-of-terrible-two-toddler know what i was saying? so, i made sure she wanted to sleep in the big girl bed. i moved closer to the crib and she said it again, "no! big girl bed".

so, i put her in the bed and said "ok, wait here for mommy and close your eyes. i have a surprise." i got bullseye out of the highest shelf in the closet (next to the freaky barbie doll and the (borderline psychotic looking) stitch doll - both slated for goodwill dropoff) and hid him behind my back.

i did a little "showbiz reveal" with him and she was OVER THE MOON! i explained to her that bullseye was only for the big girl bed and stayed in the big girl bed....

would you believe that she actually said "goodnight mommy" yanked the blanket up and pulled bullseye underneath with her? i couldn't believe it myself. i walked out the door and waited for her to cry out for me or to hear the groaning of springs from her jumping - nothing. just some quiet slumbering.... :)

however! i discovered this morning it looks as if she will be unable to NAP in the aforementioned big girl bed... as she's happily napping in her crib right now. oh well...