daily affirmations....

stuartSmalley
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

i wake up this morning...
i check my email...
i check to see what my favorite bloggers have been up to o'er the weekend...
i check my sitememter to make sure my one reader (you know who you are, mr/ms random hicksville, earth) checked in today and hmmmm...

what's this? hits from daddytypes and bloggochicago? ...AND THEY'RE LINKING TO ME ABOUT A MISSING WIGGLE AND DEPENDS PORN - THE FRONT MAN FOR A TODDLER BAND WITH NO STREET CRED AND A GERIATRIC FETISH!!??? - SH*T! F*CK! P*SS!

[looks into mirror, takes deep breath]

i'm going to post a terrific blog today! and i'm gonna help people! because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[looks back at monitor]

hello all! i'm mamazilla! well, i'm still receiving some new visitors from linkage generated by my worthless $.02 on the disappearance of greg page aka the yellow wiggle and encouraging depends porn. but that's o-kay. i have to give myself permission to spread useless information and unsavory blog comments every now and then.... o-kay.

for those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that i don't have interviews or guest bloggers, i always post alone and that's... o-kay. in honor of my new visitors, i would like to try something new today. something i was not ready to do yesterday.

see, yesterday God said, "mamazilla, i can get you a guest that you would be insane not to interview on your blog." so I decided to take a risk - in life, you have to take risks - so, today i have a guest to interview and her name is "daytona beaverlodge" - i'm changing her name to protect her anonymity.

MZ: daytona is a famous socialite, reality tv star and the future owner of a multinational hotel chain. well, that's very good, daytona, you should be very proud of yourself.

DB: well, thank you, mamazilla. i am.

MZ: well, good for you! good for you! um, daytona i know there must be a lot of pressure for you to look very good in person, and i can imagine that the night before a party, you must lie awake thinking, "i'm not thin enough.. everybody's smarter than me... prettier than me... i'm not going impress anyone... i have no business being alive..."

DB: well... um, not really. i have a prescription for...

MZ: daytona, denial ain't just a river in egypt. knowhatimsayin?

DB: i know where egypt is! there aren't any rivers there! those are trick questions. oh! but the venetian has a river in it. is that denial river? anyway, you know, sometimes i get nervous when i'm in egypt and i have to make an appearance at some really big rave or benefit or premiere or something and i find out that my XBFF is going to be there.

MZ: i thought so. and that's... o-kay. you're not alone. believe me, i know what it's like... laying there alone... all those tapes rolling: "i'm a fraud... tomorrow, i'm going to be exposed for what i am, a big imposter... i just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat veggie booty."

DB: well.. something like that... except the eating. i don't eat. and the laying in bed alone thing... no. way.

MZ: right. well, daytona, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and i want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive - a daily affirmation.

DB: afromation? is that that new hairstyle from japan with the crinkle extentions? THAT'S HAWT!

MZ: no. affirmation. AF. UR. MAY. SHUN.

DB: affirmation? that's a really dumb name for a hairstyle.

MZ: yes. now, look in the mirror. come on, don't look at me. only you can help you. [DB looks in mirror] that's it. Say, "hello, daytona."

DB: "hello daytona"

MZ: "i don't have to abuse alcohol, share needles, prostitute myself, pretend to say idiotic things..."

DB: "i don't have to be a drinking, drugging, idiotic whore."

MZ: "i don't have to be cruel to animals, or binge and purge..."

DB: "i don't have to use animals as fashion accessories or stay a size 0...""

MZ: "because all I have to do is be the best par... i mean, daytona i can be."

DB: "all i have to do is be the best paris i can be."

MZ: "because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

DB: "because i'm HAWT and people like me!"

MZ: now, don't you feel better?

DB: yeah. i'm so glad my agent told me to do this to get in touch with the middle america people and the moms and the chinese. it's so cool.

MZ: daytona, i'm filipino.

DB: whatever. look, you've reminded me that i'm a very happy, good looking person. i mean, i'm a blessed person, i'm like... holy... or something. my mom and dad give me money. i have a tv show. i make normal people, like you, famous just by being seen with them. and i give other people good feelings. and i inspire other people to help other people achieve their dreams.... i make people, like other girls and women, want to get up in the morning and shower and put on makeup and dress cool and stuff.

MZ: i... i am just a fool... i... i don't know what i'm doing... no one will ever read this blog again... i'm gonna die readerless, homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me...

DB: mamazilla, that's just not true. all of my fans will read your blog. well, after you translate your blog into english. and you speak english so well btw! doesn't THAT make you happy?! and there are lots of shelters in america and lots of people like you are on welfare and lots of people are fat and married in the midwest. or you can get a dog! they love unconditionally. and you have to walk dogs too... well, i don't, but you know what i mean... and besides if things get really bad, i know a LOT of people who would pay good money for that porkchop kid of yours. he's WAY cuter than that wall eyed tinkerbell i used to have.

MZ: but, i'm... i'm... wha?

DB: so, just don't beat yourself up that way. o-kay?

MZ: you're right. it's just stinking thinking.

DB: feel better? would you like a hug?

MZ: um, no. but, thank you, daytona. let's just shake hands...

[sounds of violent catfight, screaming, slapping, glass shattering, bones breaking, fabric ripping, a thud, then, silence.]

MZ: you know what? i think this is one of the worst posts i've ever written. and you know what else? i don't care! [ turns to his mirror ] because i'm good enough, i'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me because daytona beaverlodge is passed out in my basement and i'm gonna donate her to scientists for research!

chicago filipino events

1) chicago filipino american film festival 2006

Festival Schedule:

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 3
7 PM: Opening Night Reception (free)
8 PM: Sandaan. Directed by Sonny Izon, this documentary explores 100 years of Filipinos in America.
10 PM: Tinimbang Ka Ngunit Kulang (You Were Weighed and Found Wanting). From the “Golden Age of Filipino Cinema,” this is Lino Brocka’s classic 1974 morality tale, starring Eddie Garcia, Christopher De Leon, and Hilda Koronel.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 4
1 PM: Gift of Barong: A Surfing and Cultural Odyssey. Directed by Benito Bautista, this feature film follows two Fil-Am surfers searching for waves and discovering their cultural heritage in the Philippines.
3 PM: Sandaan (Repeat)
5 PM: Rigodon. Directed by Sari Dalena and Keith Sicat. A poetic
examination of Filipino Immigrants in Post-9/11 New York.
7 PM: Big Time. Directed by Mario Cornejo and Monster Jimenez. Michael De
Mesa, Nor Domingo,and Winston Elizalde star in this comedy/thriller.
9 PM: Where’s Francis? A quirky independent comedy starring Jeffrey Quizon,
Christopher DeLeon and Ricky Davao. Directed by Gabby Fernandez.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 4
2 PM: Shorts Program
4 PM: Rigodon (Repeat)
6 PM: The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros. Directed by Auraeus Solito and written by Michiko Yamamoto (Magnifico). Featured at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival.
8 PM: Big Time (Repeat)


2) Raul Sunico (pianist and dean of UST Conservatory of Music) in Concert

29th October 2006
Quigley Seminary Chapel
103 East Chestnut, Chicago
2:00 P.M.

Raul Sunico, internationally known pianist from the Philippines, will present a 90 minute concert. A free will offering is requested with all proceeds to fund music scholarships for students who qualify to attend the University of Santo Tomas Conservatory of Music in Manila.

3) circa youth theatre opens "short acts"

A daughter, a mother and a grandmother confront hidden secrets from their past. A lesbian couple grapple with getting pregnant and sex change surgery. A neurotic social climber from colonial Philippines whips the wits out of a deranged woman. A rebellious daughter clashes with her parent’s elitist ways. A one-night stand between two friends shake up the marriage of one of them. Two friends find themselves on opposite ends about same sex marriage. These are themes that will unfold in an anthology of new works called Short Acts, a drama incubator showcase production by the Center for Immigrant Resources & Community Arts (CIRCA). Featuring short works by Lani Montreal, Larry Leopoldo, Thelma Virata de Castro, Louie Pascasio and Felix Racelis, Short Acts is a tapestry of works-in-progress illuminating issues and stories not often spoken in dinner table chatters. Designed as a way to expand narrative expressions using short length format, Short Acts is CIRCA’s way of encouraging new voices for community theater and is envisioned to promote the continuous exploration of the community’s history and experience through drama. Directed by Levi Aliposa, Daisy Castro, Mary Ann de la Cruz, Anida Youe Esguerra, Lani Montreal, John Ola and Louie Sison, the project is a collaboration with Pintig Cultural Group and Insight Arts. Short Acts goes on stage on October 19-21 and 26-27, 2006, Thursdays to Saturdays at 8pm at the Insight Arts on 1545 W. Morse, Chicago. Tickets are $10 and $7 for students and seniors. For reservations call, (312) 222-1551 or email us at circatheater@yahoo.com.

4) KA BA KA - In Struggle Karapatan ng mga Babae at Kabataan - a concert of awareness to stop violence and exploitation of women and children at

Martyrs' Restaurant and Pub
3855 N. Lincoln Ave.
Chicago, IL 60613

With performances by: Lani Montreal , ACI9 and Bagwis Special Guest : Ms. Aiza Seguerra

Show starts at 6:30 PM, Doors open at 6:00pm, Tickets are $35.00

5) dynasty reunion v @ zentra nightclub

The orginal and biggest old school event to date is back! REUNION brings you to where Asian American nightlife began in Chicago. The only place where the best DJ's and performers of the late 80's and early 90's come out of retirement to join the best DJ's and performers of today. The only place and time you will see friends and relatives of the old and friends and relatives of a new.

Advanced tickets go on sale October 15th-November 20thTicket Prices:$12.50 (Limited Quantity Online Only) - OLD SCHOOL MIX CD INCLUDED$20 VIP (Express Entrance)Tickets can be purchased at www.dynastyempire.com

6) Pinoy Games

November 11
Insight Arts
1545 W Morse Ave
Chicago, IL 60626

$5* para maglaro (to play)
$7* para tumambay (to watch)
kids under 10 are free
*non-consumable fee

Featuring your favorite kanto games: Tumbang preso, Sipa, Patintero, Dama,
Sungka, Atbp. Please support our "mayor" Levi Alliposa, and his special guest, "Ogie
Alcasid." There will also be a Sari-sari and turo-turo stores where food and items can be purchased. All funds raised will proceed towards CIRCA and Pintig Events and programs

my sister...

my sister the welder
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

who made butt prints with me on the concrete in the shower...

who played hide and go seek in the hanging laundry with me...

who can make anyone laugh... except when you find out she named her dog after you...

who swam out to a rock in the middle of the ocean because she was afraid of the dragonflies on the beach...

who stalked mom with a hermit crab from aforementioned beach...

who can steal all of your friends away from you, but in a good way...

who sat thru a painful double feature of blind date and hoosiers with me in an unairconditioned manila movie theatre....

who has been known to cry for hours about wanting to do something but when faced with the prospect of doing it will cry about not wanting to do it...

who goes for the welder mask when all other brides to be go for tulle....

i can't believe you actually conned someone into marrying you. ;p

between my older sister giving birth to my newest niece and my younger sister getting married, a trip to the philippines is probably in my future... no need to consult my magic 8 ball i guess...

Recipe for Blogging Hiatus...

Recipe for Preserving Children
Originally uploaded by highglosshighs.

ingredients:

1 feverish, pissed off toddler on emotional rollercoaster.
1 walking infant developing intellectually and physically at the speed of light.
1 sleep deprived, broken and worried mamazilla, freshly faceplanted via doorways and walls.
24+ hours locked indoors due to outdoor temperature near freezing.

blend all ingredients together.
observe.
everything go "BOOM".

happy annniversary, thin man! the IRON year!

wedding 2
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

a review of our past five anniversaries together...

(because all the stuff before was... well... NSFW. heh heh... hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, knowhatimean...)

the paper year - we bought tickets to california and spent a few luxurious days and nights at the beautiful babbling brook inn in santa cruz, ca. and feasted on a romantic dinner at shadowbrook (with that tremendously cool 1958 funicular) in capitola.

the cotton year - the year we splurged on a week long vacation in london (because i was 4 or 5 mos pregnant with the paloma and we weren't sure when we'd ever get to travel to europe again). my favorite memory is taking the train to oxford, where we visited your other college and took that long walk and fed the deer at the grove.

the leather year - subterranean, candlelit, fondue dinner at geja's cafe with lots and lots of yummy wine and spanish guitar. you bought me my beautiful leather jacket that year. you can feed me fondue anytime...

the linen year - that was the "live like the pretty pipples" anniversary - a two night stay at the decadent park hyatt chicago and a delicious dinner at NoMI (with the michigan avenue table under the chihuly lights).

the wood year - how appropriate. we got all the floors (1st floor) stripped and redone last year. and i wrote this. and um... we suffered thru my pregnancy w/ the porkchop while we waited for the sox to win the world series.... which they did! SOUTH SIIIIIIDE! :)

and this year?

THIS YEAR YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND OUR ANNIVERSARY WITH FRACKING TOUCHDOWN JESUS, YOUR FRACKING UCLA ALUMS/FRATERNITY BROTHERS AND THOUSANDS OF OTHER FRACKING, FOOTBALL, FACE PAINTING, FLAG WAVING FREAKS!!!!

but, i'm not bitter.


GO IRISH!

I HOPE YOU SLAUGHTER THE BRUINS!
(won't take much, they got schooled by the ducks last week...)

yeah, yeah... happy anniversary... thanks for the flowers... kisses... love ya... mean it... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

;)


UPDATE: UCLA 17, NOTRE DAME 20.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

madonna and angelina jolie have inspired me to adopt a baby...

suntan baby
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

...from southern california, specifically a remote hilly village called "los angeles".

i had never been to southern california. i had been taught the history of the area in school but, i realized that there was so much about california culture and history that i didn't know about. for example, i was never told about... *chokes back tears* ...the suntan problem.

the first time i visited los angeles, i accompanied the humanitarian group called "SHADE". we were there to distribute sunscreen, new and gently used sunglasses, wide brimmed straw hats, long sleeve shirts and long pants.

from the moment we stepped off the plane, it was clear that we were "the other" and we were under surveilance. there were cameras EVERYWHERE. for some reason, they were especially focused on those of us with sunglasses and baseball caps. even at a local coffee shop, people ran us down in an effort to get away from the all seeing eye of big brother. i was so afraid.

this is a village so poor that the residents don't have enough money to purchase sunscreen. honestly, i don't think they even know what it is. men, women and children do just about anything and everything in direct sunlight. they don't realize they don't have to look and smell like a pan fried sausage link.i happened to bring a small bottle of sunscreen for myself and they shied away from the foreign smelly liquid. after a slow and gentle application, they got over their initial inhibitions and started applying it to each other and me. such beautiful people!

the los angeles environment is treacherous - frequently ravaged by earthquakes, wildfires and mudslides. the atmosphere is toxic. the roads are impassable. it took hours for us to get from point a to point b, even though people told us it would take 20 minutes. it's easy to see how these people barely eek out an existence. they simply cannot get the basic tools they need to defend themselves from the sun. a woman told me a story about when she had gotten so overly suntanned that when she walked, it sounded like she was wearing corduroy pants. but she had an appointment that she could not cancel. she got into her car and threw down the visor so hard that it broke off and now... now, she has severe cataracts and her skin is.... is peeling. luckily, the appointment was actually an audition for a voiceover and she was hired! stories like hers changed me forever. these people are my heroes. i do have one fond memory of the los angeles roads. whenever we were stuck in traffic, some of the natives would rush to our car to offer us oranges, flowers, cherries and peanuts. of course, we couldn't accept these gifts, but it just reminded us of how generous these people were. and that these people were not victims!

after i adopt a child from los angeles, i'll probably buy a small place there. and then, i'll focus on funding for los angeles schools. i couldn't believe how poorly educated some of the people were. i asked some of them if they'd ever been outside los angeles to manhattan or venice perhaps. although they nodded in the affirmative, they kept pointing west, towards the pacific.

anyway, when we're there we'll learn spanish together and we'll learn all about scientology. s/he'll spend a lot of time in the churches with the ministers, etc, etc... and of course, we'll have fun watching all the nifty helicopters.

back home in chicago, my child will know a world without tans, a city bordered by land on the west and water on the east, and a change of seasons, where you can never be too poor or too fat, where you can wear gym shoes outside of the gym and where we find uses for ALL of the cow.

proof that the paloma is the thin mans child

to the matterhorn
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

and not the milkman's child... not that you NEED any proof of that, really...

1) has adopted the "what you don't know, won't hurt you" philosophy:

M - "paloma did you wash your hands?"
p - "yes."
M - "so, if i go over to the sink and look into it. it will be wet right?"
p - *looks left, looks right, blinks, walks back into bathroom, closes door*

*faint trickle of water going down drain*

p - "what were you saying, mommy?"


2) fluent in "attorney speak":

M - "paloma, please sit down in your seat. this is the second time i've asked you."
p - "i am sitting down in my seat."
M - "paloma, your legs should not be hanging over the side of your booster seat."
p - "mommy, you didn't say, 'paloma, sit in your seat P R O P E R L Y please.'"
M - *takes deep breath, counts to ten"
p - "mommy, i think you should sit on the step if you're in time out."


3) taste in music:

p - "mommy, would you watch my show?"
M - "i don't understand, do you want me to turn on the tv?"
p - *rolls eyes* "um, nooooo. i want you to watch me sing a song in MY show?"
M - "oh sure, i'll watch you sing a song. what song are you going to sing?"
p - "you can choose. i can sing, "sweet caroline" or "chiquitita" or "on the street where you live" or "the schpedoinkle song" or "take me to the fair" or..."
M - *blinks* "um, do you want to go outside for a walk?"
p - "no. no. YES! YES! i DO want to go for a walk."


4) physical appearance:

TTM - "i bought pants!"
M - *reviews purchase* "um, you bought pants for the summer?"
TTM - "whadddya mean?"
M - "i mean you're going to freeze your *ss off. those fabrics are WAY too thin for fall or winter."
TTM - "dear, i have so much hair on my legs i wouldn't worry about any of my appendages freezing."
M - "yes, my yeti love."

TTM - "um, is the paloma too young to get her legs waxed?"
M - *walks out*
TTM - "what?"

5) sleeping habits:

M - *bolts upright from a deep sleep because bed is violently shaking, turns to look at TTM"
TTM - *holding stomach and writhing, eyes closed* "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" *mumble mumble* "HAHAHAHAHAHHA!"
M - *turns on table lamp. looks at TTM, still laughing and mumbling, while asleep. turns off light.*

p - *sitting up in bed, eyes closed, sleeping* "no, because i don't want to, mommy."
M - *freaked out. watching the paloma*
p - "i said i don't want to!" *gets out of bed, marches over to a wall* "NO!" *stamps foot, wakes up, clearly afraid* "MOOOOOMMMMMMYYYYYY!!!!"

6) gastronomical peccadillos

p - mommy, i don't like vegetables except carrots, broccoli and lettuce.
M - i think you would like vegetables if you actually tried them.
p - i like plums.
M - really. what does a plum look like?
p - that's a plum.
M - that's not a plum. that's an eggplant. oh wait. you're right! that IS a plum! and since you like them so much. i guess i'll just HAVE to make them for dinner. i think you're daddy will LOVE them too! who doesn't love plums!?
p - YAY!
M - YAY!

because i needed some cheering up...

(one coughing child who sounds like rod stewart, one child flowing rivers o' snot, one husband with sore throat, my own sinus issues, a friend's family funeral that i can't attend, a friends' anniversary that i can't acknowledge, the constant rain and the snow (SNOW!? WTF!!??) to follow quickly thereafter, and oh yeah - the threat of a nuclear holocaust...)

i actually forced myself to watch this:



and no, that stupid schpedoinkle song will not cheer me up either.



ok, i take that back.

news from atlantic center for the arts...

atlantic_center_for_the_arts
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

some of you may remember that last summer, i started to write/wrote my "not so great, somewhat american, unfinished novel" for three whole weeks at the atlantic center for the arts in new smyrna beach, florida, while studying with jessica hagedorn.

i met 27 extremely talented and inspiring people - writers, visual artists and composers from all over the world.

aca recently released their 2007 residency schedule and the following artists are scheduled to attend:

STEVE BADANES, architect
KYLE GANN, composer
MARIE PONSOT, poet
ROBERT DICK, composer/flutist
ALICE NOTLEY, poet
MICHAEL BURKARD, poet
STEPHEN JAFFE, composer
THOMAS STRUTH, visual artist
CORNELIUS EADY, playwright/poet
MARIA ELENA GONZALEZ, visual artist
DENIS SMALLEY, composer
PAUL PFEIFFER, visual artist
SARAH SKAGGS, choreographer
GIOIA TIMPANELLI, storyteller/author

if you have an artistic bend and you need a creative process boost, check their schedule and see if there's anyone you'd like to study with and apply for an associate artist position. it was an unforgettable experience for me. the aca history of master artists include:

edward albee
lawrence ferlinghetti
allen ginsberg
eric bogosian
william wegman
nick cave
quincy troupe
spalding gray

these names i remember especially because in the master artist cottages the master artist is asked to sign the inside of his/her closet. jessica showed us the inside of her closet - it was pretty surreal to see all these names and their salutations.

anyhoo.... i also just happened to pick up the latest poets & writers magazine and my fellow associate writer, stephanie harrison, wrote an article in it titled, "You Ought to Be in Pictures A Story Writer’s Guide to Film Adaptation". stephanie published a great book while we were in florida, "Adaptations: From Short Story to Big Screen: 35 Great Stories That Have Inspired Great Films". so, check out the book and the article! incidentally, there's also a great interview with alice notley who is scheduled as a 2007 master artist at aca.

not that you need any more incentive to check out aca but, every year the aca puts on a reunion gathering for master artists and associate artists at a bar in nyc in october. (i heard that the bar is across the street from cbgb). so, theoretically, if you became an associate artist, you could attend this reunion party and who knows which former master artist/celebrity you could meet! unfortunately, i missed the last one (preggers) and i'll probably miss this years as well (10 mos. not weaned). hopefully, next year, i'll finally make it! :)

four yellow cars kind of day....

New York Cabs
Originally uploaded by m4rco.

i just finished reading that haddon book, the curious incident of the dog in the night time. the autistic boy in the book has this heartbreaking way of determining what kind of day he's going to have by the number of red or yellow cars he sees while riding the bus to school. five consecutive red cars means a super good day... four yellow cars means a black day...

1:14 a.m. says the clock on my computer. the clock on the wall is stuck at 6:45 - the short hand's at 6, the long hand's at 9 and hovering above it, the seconds hand is just stuck, still clicking away, like a needle stuck in a groove...

yesterday morning, before i got the email from miss lori, the paloma woke us up at 3:13 a.m. because she had to go potty. she went back to sleep and then, the porkchop woke up and finally got himself back to sleep. by then, i really couldn't get back to sleep. when i started to fall back asleep, everyone was starting to rise and shine at their regular rousing hour, 7 ish... so, things started their general descent around 3:15 a.m.

i don't usually write about "this stuff" because well, i'm living it. but, i'm alone right now and i don't feel well physically. and i usually use writing this blog to escape from the dark realities of the trial by fire parenthood with humor and/or distraction.

and there were so many parenting things, too many to list, that i learned the hard way. and i guess i thought that raising a second child would be a little easier because we already had one. we had 2.5 years of basic training under our belt so, basic stuff - diaper changing, feeding, bathing - i figured, we'd know. and we do know stuff, but the porkchop is so different from the paloma in so many ways.... in so many basic ways... like, oh, i don't know, one's a girl, the other is a boy.

two of the common things i heard were a) that is the perfect age difference in children, they'll play together b) it's hard but it'll get easier when she's in preschool.

well, what's plan B? what happens when they don't play together? what happens when they do play together and HATE it? or what happens when you can't find one thing that will occupy both of them, separate or together, with or without you, happily or even satisfactorily? what happens when it's not easier when she's in preschool because she's SO much happier there that she doesn't want to be home?

this is the kind of stuff that sends all three of us off the deep end. this is the stuff that for some reason starts the paloma kicking the cat and/or saying things like "I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T LIKE ME AND YOU ARE NOT MY BEST MOMMY!" which starts the porkchop shrieking, like the day he got circumcised, because he hates loud noises, which in turn, starts the aching of my head or my tummy (right now, both) and the sadness and the disappointment and the hatred and frustration and the worry and the regrets and the misgivings... and the thin man gets home and says something that comes out like an insult but was just a thought without a direction or a meaning.... when it gets so bad that even when i pray (and i pray A LOT. sometimes at the top of my lungs into a pillow), i feel completely empty and lost... no, not lost.

...abandoned.

speaking of abandoned, i wrote a post in september re: finding out bad news about three really good friends of mine via grapevines or blog posts. i called my friend, tuesday morning to check in again and to see how her mother was doing. she answered the phone, with that frog in her throat and that crack in her voice and i knew that her mom was gone. she had passed away early that morning. my friend's father passed away in dec '04 and now, her mother is gone too. she has no siblings. i imagine her at home, finally alone, waiting for the time when she has to say goodbye all over again. i need to kidnap her and take her to vegas...

i also talked to my other friend who's marriage to another friend is in trouble. we had a big fight about it actually. i really didn't feel confident about how he was handling it all. he was contemplating moving out because she thought it was a good idea. he was giving me this crap about how they still loved each other but they needed to fix themselves before they could fix their marriage. he promised me that he would do everything he could to stay home and that he would call me to update me on their progress. i never got an update call back so i hoped that things were getting better... slow and steady, wins the race and all... well, yesterday, i just happened to glance at his myspace page and a friend of his had commented "...Hope life is treating you well and the new pad is comfy."

i guess they made a decision. i can't believe i actually stood next to this guy and basically promised his bride, his family and god that he was a standup dude. that he was worthy of her and that the vows he made were set in stone. he made a liar out of me. for some reason, again, i feel abandoned.

and angry. i'm SO angry. i've never loved a friend so much that made me this angry. oh wait, there was one other person. (remember her, honey? yeah, the reason we broke up that THIRD time....)

i'll just pray i suppose. pray for my friends. pray for my family. pray for stupid people. pray for innocent people. pray for the cold church down the road that i attend anyway even though it bores me to tears with its ambivalence.

2:03 a.m. says the clock on my computer. and i actually feel a little better. i have a day ahead of me. i used to have one of those HUGE buttons that you could pin on that said "have a day". it also had a yellow circle face on it that had this blank expression, O_O.

i want to have a good day, a nice day. but, i will settle for just a day. a two yellow & two red cars kind of day...

i just really don't think i can handle another day like yesterday.

dude. i'm SO writing about gael garcia bernal from here on out....

miss lori
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

ok, this is for all my fellow pbs watching parent peeps... and um, all y'all celebrity stalker types...

check it: she read my post about her. miss lori sent me email:

Hi,

I just wanted to take a moment to thank you and tell you how much I appeciate your support. I enjoyed reading your blog. I am glad that you and your daughter like the show.

Thanks Again!

Lori Holton Nash
Miss Lori

the paloma thinks i am the COOLEST right now.... ok, the coolest right after the email from miss lori...

so, that settles it. i'm writing about gael and johnny depp and ewan macgregor and djimon hounsou and cihwetel ejiofor and colin firth and hugh grant and...

...or i could watch reruns of star trek.

i blame uhura and kirk...
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

i've read that tv's first interracial kiss on tv was on a start trek episode called plato's stepchildren that aired in 1968. it was written by meyer dolinsky who also wrote for hawaii 5-0 and bonanza. however, i just learned that two other episodes filmed before plato's stepchildren had shared kisses between a white actor and an asian actor, elaan of troyius, and between a white actor and a latino actor, space seed.

anyway, i'm not a trekkie by any stretch of the imagination but i have to admit that i did watch it. in the 80s, i was a latch key kid and when i got home, i used to turn on the tv and those crayzee star trek reruns would quickly transport me (via fancy shimmer fade and pre casio keyboard sound effects) to some random galactic port, to meet and greet alien life forms and explore the extraterrestrial landscapes they called home. (i mean you no diss, E.T.)

anyhoo.... it looks like there's a new show joining the historical ranks of prime time tv shows with interracial relationships - abc's new show "brothers & sisters".

in a way, i wasn't surprised to see a black/white pairing since a) some of the tv shows that the stars of the show were formerly in (ally macbeal, six feet under, alias) featured interracial relationships b) abc is home to desperate housewives, grey's anatomy, lost, boston legal - all shows which have featured at least one interracial relationship. i guess i was just surprised to see it on the pilot.

honestly, i actually caught the first two episodes for two reasons:

1) i miss alias (yes, even though the asians were ALWAYS the bad guys).

2) i miss six feet under.

and i hate to admit it but i wasn't all that disappointed.

it's not phenomenal writing (says the unemployed blogger). but, i guess you could say they aren't insulting the talents of the actors - they definitely gave the right characters to the right actors. it's odd to me that for what looks like an ensemble cast/show, the last two episodes seem to have flockhart's character as the axis of the family, maybe even the show.

however, i think rachel griffiths character (oldest sibling, former corporate big wig who leaves big job to take smaller job w/ family business to spend more time with family and husband, contemplating (reigniting? igniting?) an (old?) affair w/ a former coworker who is african american) is much more complex and interesting (admittedly, it could be because i'm a former corporate drone who married "the thin (mixed race) man" and turned into a stay at home mamazilla). griffith's character seems the most fleshed out character to me, though every dramatic plot twist seems hinged on something flockhart's character said, didn't say, did, didn't do, etc...

the only other sibling who's of any interest to me is the gay lawyer brother who is WAY cute but, unlucky in love (& because the fruit fly in me wants to introduce him to all my single gay fruits).

anyway, it'll be interesting (for me, the lone viewer of this show) to see where the characters go, especially if this interracial relationship goes anywhere or went anywhere. it's still unclear to me if they actually had an affair or just flirted with the idea. i remember michael beach from his nights on early ER and the movies "waiting to exhale" and "soul food" and so, i'm REALLY curious who this noah guare character is...

so, it's a little bit like star trek - no new worlds, new life, or new civilizations - but, we've been there, done that - it's family drama, "ron & nancy" style! do i need to draw a picture for you? how ALIEN is that!? (um, no offense intended to my extended family and friends, conservative and otherwise, who are ALL OVER so cal...)

my sister's rabbit died.

monty_python_rabbit
Originally uploaded by mamazilla1972.

does anyone else (besides me) remember when people used to say "the rabbit died" when they talked about someone getting pregnant? i actually remember an episode of M*A*S*H when houlihan thought she was preggers and they asked radar if they could use his rabbit to test for pregnancy. (ok, for those of you in the dark - ages ago, they used to inject rabbits with womens urine to test for pregnancy. they had to kill the rabbits to see if their ovaries had changed. if the ovaries had changed, the woman's urine had HCG and she was pregnant. if the ovaries hadn't changed, well... the rabbit was just SOL.) i don't remember if houlihan was preggers (i doubt it), i don't remember if they actually killed the rabbit and i'm not sure if that was when she was still foolin' around with that major.... whatever his name was... ANYhoo...

did i mention i LOVE rabbits? especially rabbits with huge, sharp....er... foul, cruel, bad tempered rodents! killers! vicious streaks, miles wide!

no, really... my sister, the overacheiving ob gyn (whose contemplating a c-section - WUSS! j/k!), just recently found out that her rabbit died. that's right folks, she pregnant! i'm FINALLY going to be an aunt!

so, she asked me for some names for girls... so, i looked around and i actually found the final, FINAL baby name list that the thin man and i came up with the night before the paloma was born:

(don't laugh too hard... she was our first child.... it was 2003....)

pearl
aisling
adelaide
amelie
amandine
avalon
avery
bayani
bonamie
chandler
chantilly
capri
sadie
emmeline
emerald
eloise
ellery
evelyn
fabienne
ruby
gwenllian
genevieve
laurel
lucia
lorelei
marigold
maybelline
marlowe
rosaline
schuyler
hyacinth
jessamine
kelaine
winifred

well, she's due in the end of jan/beginning of feb, which means i'll probably be making a trip out to the philippines (sans bebes et ma petit chou) early next year. it will be my first trip since 1993. yep, you counted right - i haven't seen my sister(s) in 13 years.

to donate or not to donate?

Stuffed Animal Pants
Originally uploaded by xmasons.

this past spring, we actually did a good amount of spring cleaning. only problem is, here we are on the verge of fall and all our stuff is still waiting to get donated.

yes, we could've held a garage sale.
yes, i know that some donation places pick up now.
yes, we could put it all in the car and drive it over to the goodwill.... yada yada yada.

OR i could make some r*ckin cool pants with the palomas stuffed animals!!!!! ( i thought people walked around naked at burning man...)

on a related note, i just read this over at citymama (who got an email from parenthacks).

there's a link to this inspiring story about edmay mayers, a member of the us army corp of engineers stationed in iraq, who is accepting donations of stuffed animals, candy, gently used clothing and school supplies for children in iraq.

her mailing address is as follows:

Edmay Mayers
USACE - GRS
APO AE 09331

she's also been communicating/answering questions via the comments section on the original parenthacks post.

....you know you want to, you know you can, and you know that those lonely stuffed animals in that big plastic bag in your garage/basement/crawlspace want you to and know you can too...

then again, you could have the makings of a great halloween costume - "stuffed animal blob", "pile o' stuffed animals", "stuffed animals gone WILD!"...

FRACK! i'm so punless this morning.... and i was yea close to bringing up furries...