is it february yet?

february has always been the month of rushing for me.

early on, there's groundhog day, which always heralds my cue to send out a birthday card (and if time permits - a small lightweight present) to my father, who resides in the philippines. mind you, his birthday is mid february but there's no snail mail like air mail to a third world country, i always say.

i was thinking today there's something about groundhogs, their flaky shadows and wishing for the impossible that reminds me of my father. and yes, i do love my father. however, because i am prone to procrastinate and scarred from many years of dubious memories w/ or w/o my papa, it will be a miracle if i actually do get a card out. i puposefully went out today to get a card and came back with everything BUT a card - i even came back WITH stationary from the stationary store.

(i blame my friend, stacey. ok. no, not really. i do however blame her for the impulsive pink bedazzled cat ear barrette purchase.)

even more ironic, my stepfather's birthday follows groundhog day. as if i didn't have enough paternal pathos...

and let's not forget the preconceptions conceiving, can o' worms opening, nutrition ravaging holiday of holidays - valentines day! i, the biggest romantic cynic on the planet, rarely if ever, know what to do, plan, say on valentines day... to save us both the trouble, popzilla is taking a trip to miami to visit his abuelita. thank you, popzilla! ;)

then, there's the whole, shortest month of the year crap, which always reminds me of my mom and stepdad's anniversary on the 28th.

so, let's take a tally. that's at least four cards on the inside and/or four cards WITH four gifts on the outside or we could just call it a day at say four (zillion) mea culpas.... hmm, no pressure...

and last, but not least - february is the final month of my current year - 32 (i'm a march baby). february is the month that says, "that's right, ya old coot, celebrate now 'cause next month you'll be skooched a little bit closer to(or *gasp* further into) "middle aged"." i can't believe i'm older than dungeons and dragons AND hello kitty.

but, february is never as bad as i make it out to be in the end... as it turns out, keane, pedro the lion and modest mouse are all coming to play chicago venues in february. and best of all, kurt halsey will be having an exhibition at wag artworks too.

(for the record, mamazilla would LOVE an original kurt halsey for valentines day or even her birthday. hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more, say no more....)

happy february everybody!

look out! i'm old!

this really isn't news to me... i had a sneaking suspicion i was old back in high school when i discovered my first grey hair.

i had really long hair in high school. i remember standing with my hands crossed behind my back and being able to feel the weight and shine of my hair laced in my fingers.

but, there it was - the lone long silvery thin ripple hidden deep under a dark brown black wave...
my mom told me that it was considered good luck for someone my age to have grey hair.
it portended wisdom. (that's like telling a bride that it's lucky when it rains on your wedding day.) i didn't believe her.

that summer, i visited my family in the philippines to attend my sis' graduation. my oldest sister graduated valedictorian of her class, was a star swimmer and sang in a prestigious chorus. she also had salt and pepper hair. so, i guessed my mom couldn't be totally wrong and since then, my grey hair and i have cohabitated quite well....

...UNTIL NOW!!!

i was in a hip little boutique yesterday. it's a very cute shop that sells nanette lepore, free people, bcbg stuff, etc... the woman who owns the boutique was very complimentary to me and very attentive. she was sure that i would fit into a size 2 (HA!). i was having a really fun time. i really liked this beautiful pair of pants from poleci. but, the pants were embellished by some folksy kind of embroidery on the side seams. it's amazing how far you have to go with babyproofing your life...

me: "these pants are beautiful but my daughter would have a field day with the embroidery".
she: "how old is your daughter?"
me: "almost two years"
she: "oh, i thought you had a teen. i thought you were worried that she would be raiding your closet for them."

YOU THOUGHT I HAD A TEEN!!?? DO YOU REALIZE I USED TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A TEEN!!?? NOW, I LOOK LIKE I HAVE A TEEN!!!!???

needless to say i walked out of there without those pants...

the experience actually reminded me of the time when i was talking with a college freshman who didn't know who kurt cobain was.

or another time when i was wearing a cute t-shirt with hong kong phooey on it .

a younger twenty something co-worker of mine saw my shirt and said, "cute shirt. but, who's that dog?"

i'm thinking, hmmm. maybe it's not a good picture of him and i say, "it's hong kong phooey... from the cartoon show... late 70s early 80s..."*make with the hong kong phooey moves*

i'm met with a totally blank stare and a look of pity for the crack smoker....
i desperately grasp at straws... "secret squirrel? wacky races? dynomutt? atom ant? underdog? precious pup and granny sweet?"

zip. zilch. gornischt. step right up and view the old fart circus freak!

well, i'm not the only one in the house. a few days ago at the potbelly deli, popzilla was listening to a conversation that two young sandwichmakers were having about classic rock. he asks them, "so, what do you consider classic rock?"

SM1 - anything before 1980.
PZ - like boston.
SM1 - who?
PZ - boston. *slowly enunciating the word and sweating a tad*
SM1 - don't know them, never heard of 'em.
PZ - y'know, "more than a feeling, when I hear that old song they used to play (more than a feeling) I begin dreaming (more than a feeling) ’till I see marianne walk away I see my marianne walkin’ away.." *quietly singing and swaying to the music in his head*
SM1 - nope. so what do you want on your italian?

fellow chicagoans, do you realize that the "oldies" station is playing classic 70s music now? and that to get to hear what i consider "oldies" music - I HAVE TO SWTICH TO THE AM BAND STATIONS!!! WTF!? (although, elvis on am sounds awesome and strangely old school.)

i'm convinced it's my own private conspiracy, y'all so, i'm jumping on the random bandwagon. i'm getting my hair dyed back to pink and dropping trou for a new tattoo. i may even get a gold tooth and a facial piercing. maybe a trucker hat and ultra low rise jeans with a miniature toy dog and a bedazzled phone.

i may not be young or even youthful anymore but as long as i have a fully functional frontal lobe, i'm gonna abuse it...



maybe.



ok, no, not really. but i could...

who approved this costume design!?

seriously. did someone lose a bet?



i predict that this show will gross more money than any other disney on ice show and not because of the nemo factor (though that certainly doesn't hurt).

the costume design is ingenious if you think about it... right now, thousands of bright-eyed, bushy tailed, breastfed children are instinctually turning their heads toward tv screens all across the greater chicagoland area, attempting to root for the wide, welcoming, nipple-y eyes of these looping, lutzing, flipping costumes...

no wonder kidzilla is dancing in circles to see this show. for me, whenever i hear about fish on ice, i'm thinking of sushi. i would dance in circles for sushi.

the water cycle song

yesterday, paloma and i were invited to tea (seriously) at the local private school (pinkys up, wallets out).

we're lucky in our neighborhood to have many excellent private and public educational options for paloma assuming we all survive her formative years.

lately, the schools have been holding their open houses. the local ($$$$$) private school (preK thru 12) is no different (ha!). so, because i'm curious to see how the well-heeled live, i accepted the invite. i didn't realize how freaked out i was until i realized that i walked out the door - shaved, parfumed, MAC'd, brassiered, aqua neted and accessorized for the event... i am such a f*cking FRAUD!!!!!

anyway, we got there and if it weren't for another parent's blatant disregard for her kids chasing paloma - i would've actually heard what the headmaster (i know can you believe it? "headmaster". does that sound draconian or what?!) and principal were trying to say (over paloma's happy screaming).

i caught bits and pieces - how journaling begins at the preschool level....blah, blah, blah... by the second grade the students are introduced to the idea of the thesis. they write a thesis and asked to defend it....blah, blah, blah...the students here realize that being one of the cool kids means being a smart kid (hoaaark.)....naturally, the kids are very competitive, but it's very healthy....blah, blah, blah....their alumni include the anheuser-busch children....blah, blah, blah...90% of the senior class is in the cum laude society...blah,blah,blah...

finally, we got to take the tour of the campus. the campus is composed of 10 or so buildings - the art and technology building, the dining hall and library, the lower school, the upper school, the kindergarten, etc...

mind you, we're looking thru the rooms and halls which are COVERED in their acheivements - really impressive art works, essays, trophies, award winning science projects, etc... the facilities and supplies are unbelieveable and top notch. and it felt like i was on the "it's a small world" ride at disney world. i was happily surprised to find the classes were very small and very diverse. so, paloma, my little half breed mongrel babe (i kid), would fit right in. it was kinda humbling to be honest.

so, we get to the kindergarten and apparently, they want to show off. (i've mentioned before that i am an idiot. well, my idiot lights we're going apesh*t right about then. with my luck i'd have to match wits against some kindergartener and lose...)

teacher: the kindergarten will now perform "the water cycle song". *gestures grandly to class*

class: *standing up, shifting and twitching* they being to sing and gesture the following song sung to the tune of "she'll be coming round the mountain"...

"water travels in a cycle, yes it does!"
(draw big imaginary circles, around and around and around and around with one arm!)

"water travels in a cycle, yes it does!"
(repeat motion above with other arm and with feeling!)

"it goes up as evaporation!"
(slowly zig zag your jazz hands towards the ceiling)

"forms clouds as condensation"
(imagine and make a big fluffy cloud over your head with your arms)

"then comes down as precipitation, yes it does!"
(sprinkle your fingers like rain coming down from the ceiling)


i'm so NOT kidding...

are you sitting down now? well, don't take a bite of that baked good just yet. you may choke. the tuition for this school is $4K. for preschool. HALF time. (it's $13K for high school) not including the annual gift (?) of $500 or the various fees for administration and/or supplies.

the thin man thinks and i quote "schools like that are so f*cking elitist. i don't want paloma to go to a school where they teach her that her whole raison d'etre is to go to an ivy league." this coming from my man, the proud pac-10 graduate, the attorney, the republican, fraternity man, the self proclaimed intellectual snob who reads at least 15 books a month.... i was speechless...

well, we haven't written this school off yet. but i was just thinking that by the time we decide and apply and assuming she passes their "test screening" she'll be waitlisted for a minor ice age.

somehow i doubt she'd pass the screening. last night, paloma, in another fit of genius, fell off our (Very Tall) bed, while jumping on it and faceplanted. she's fine, escaped with a little scrape on her nose...

i can't believe i have to think about this. she isn't even two yet! isn't it enough that i worry about potty training, learning to share and transtitioning from crib to bed right now? f*ck. maybe i should just homeschool.

of boobies and bugs...

ok. i give. what's the deal with guys and "starship troopers" (the movie)?

i have a fair number of guy friends and i've noticed lately that while they click past the umpteenzillion channels on cable at meteoric speed (which in itself is a sickness - imho) they recognize and stop slackjawed and drooling of what i can only describe as homeric (you pick - greek or simpsons) proportions at any scene in that film (if i can call that waste of celluloid - a film).

i'm convinced it's a rudimentary breast and insect fixation. as in, staring at the hot young science teacher's boobs while she explained the body parts of a cicada to you in the 6th grade.

a) you've got the beautiful and talented, denise richards (who played, "rebecca" in "yo puta" (i think that's whore in spanish), "carla, the friendly one" in "love actually" and the "white she devil" in "undercover brother") and dina meyer (who recently played "kerry" in "saw"). you may even remember a couple of scenes where dina meyer gets nekkid - horizontally and vertically.

b) you see denise and dina kick some giant alien bug *ss with large, loud, light up firearms .

c) there's the bugs. and is it just me or does the final brain bug with the multiple eyes not look like some freaky multiple boobied bug?!

hello!! the former doogie howser is in this movie. how do you guys MISS that!? how does your manhood not shrink from the sight of him like it used to on prime time tv!?

i just dunno. i just don't get the devout, starry eyed, fascination that grown men, mature men of sophistication and taste, have for this movie...






oooo! look! "much ado about nothing" is on! awwww! i LOVE that movie!!!

i am bozo

blatant misuse of cat...


jeez louise am i bored... that's right, you heard me. i love being a mom. i love my kid. but i'm only human. i'm a multi-faceted momma. i was girlzilla before mamazilla. please stop mistaking me for the walking dead - at least for today.

what's even more pathetic is that kidzilla - a.k.a she-who-loves-to-bend-toilet-paper-to-her-will - is also bored.... today, we've danced to music, read books, completed puzzles, thrown tea party after tea party, built and deconstructed small civilizations, demolition tricycled over sponges, colored every post it and magazine, shape sorted up the gazooobo, you name it, we done it...

in my house, if you're in one place for more than 5 minutes, you're fair game and potential playground fodder... unfortunately, dressing up the cat only took about 5 minutes. she's pretty fast and once she realized how unflattering the wig was she hid dead center underneath our king size bed, where she was sure she couldn't be retrieved by any searching limbs akimbo. i should have tried the afro on her instead, much more compositionally correct...

but, thinking i could use cat toys as bait, i lined up 6 plastic cups in a row and tossed them in - think GRAND! PRIZE! GAME! from the Bozo Show (sans the prizes). well, neither the cat nor the child could be convinced that it was in fact, grand or a game.

it was then i realized, after the wig, the game and the kitchen sink, i AM bozo. ok, maybe bozo's b*tch. see, there's the bozo you know - beloved icon of children's television, cookie the clown's foil, pie thrower, game hawker, march leader. and then there's the unknown man who took off the costume, drove home, made dinner, looked in the mirror and switched off the light. for decades, he straddled the line between "dinner for two" and "chuck e cheese".

but was bozo really a bozo? a fathead? an oblivious, incompetent fool?

is that who i am now? this smiling, hokey-pokeying, crafty beavering, gratin pan wielding susie homemaker with a colorful past who occasionally goes to see live shows, drinks alcohol, worries about her fading looks, curbs her sailor's mouth, and watches soft porn disguised as foreign cinema. (right, like you don't...)

i should quit reflecting on it and just make myself a shirt.
it'll say "i am bozo" on the front and "hear me roar" on the back.

woo-hoo! it's awardapalooza!

*

to my happy, happy surprise, i recently received the "Other Than Rebekah, The Only Person That Seemed To Care That I Went To Chicago" Mango award!

and then, today i find that i've received Puglet Ponderings' "Ghetto of the Week" award!

*snoopy dance*

...all in all, WAY mo' better than the toddler technicolor yawn award i got THIS morning.... that's right, despite friday's hurl-a-thon, kidzilla's slow but steady recuperation sounded a retreat at 2:30 this a.m. when the hostile rotovirus armies proclaimed martial law on her intestines again.

oh. and now, i have a cold. so, i'll be bingeing on vitamin C drinks in a corner of our basement laundry room.

many many thanks to mango (who receives the "i still can't believe you even gave me the time of day" award) and to puglet (who receives the "please walk down the street with me so it looks like were friends" award) for endowing me with their time and their accolades.



*eons ago, mamazilla actually received this (& a large monetary) award for "outstanding fashion illustration" from the chicago fashion group. this statuette is made by the same company who makes the oscar statue.

a difficult 24 hrs...

after a very rough 24 hours, the last thing i want to find is that my blog explosion rating has PLUMMETED to 7.92! thank you anonymous blog explosion rater! i suppose it could be worse... oh wait - it WAS worse...

this all started the night before last when i absentmindedly closed the door to kidzilla's room. the second i heard the "click", i knew we were locked in.

with butterknives held aloft, we tried to open the door - me from the inside & popzilla from the outside (kidzilla status - tantrum standby). finally, we thought it might be a good idea to call in a professional. we called a half dozen 24 hr locksmiths and came up with zip. but after a good part of an hour, popzilla got me out.

lesson #1 - if you're locked in or locked out, you're also sh*t outta luck.

then, we got a call from my sismonster in law that shattered the rest of our evening and the wee early o'dark morning. apparently, i'm not doing enough for my family by staying at home and if we don't hand over a substantial amount of money (that we don't owe or have) , she'll have nothing to do with us. she's got her principles, y'know.

all i wanted to do was inhale my ben and jerry's and watch the rest of alias season one (from under the couch). apparently, that was asking too much. thank you, sismonster in law and powers that be.

the lengthy call from my sismonster in law was followed by another protracted call to the fairymom in law who was very kind, wise, relatively non-partisan and who also came up with a reasonable solution.

lesson # 2 - LOVE, honour and respect the fairymom in law.

so, i didn't get much sleep since i was still mulling over my allleged worthlessness and to top it off, the following morning, my darling kidzilla's first words were "blrrraaaaggggh!" and ta-da! last night's dinner was served - again.

and again at 8:30 and again at 9:30... we went thru more wardrobe changes than the tents during fashion week. i've never been so afraid for kidzilla. i was drowning off the harbor of worry and after her last "hoooooaaark" into the kitchen sink, i jumped to the phone to make a same day appt with the ped.

i was able to catch a ride to the ped office with popzilla. after a 15 minute wait, during which i'm sure kidzilla shared her malevolent rotovirus with the rest of the ped office, we met with our ped and the diagnosis: everything i already knew but was too insecure to believe. stomach flu. emphasize the liquid, de-emphasize the food.

did i mention our ped office is 7 blocks away?
or that i don't drive?
or that we live in a very residential area inhabited by many senior citizens?

because if you happened to be in the vicinity of western & 97th , you would have witnessed mamazilla half carrying & half bulldozing a stroller through snowbanks to get home from the ped office. i finally gave up and we ended up walking in the middle of the streets that were plowed and salted.

lesson # 3 - shovel the sidewalks for the handicapped and elderly if not for your neighborhood stay at home mom who doesn't drive.

finally, yesterday ended with us watching a medley of silent disney movies, sipping water and nibbling toast under a mound of blankets. kidzilla was constantly asking for hugs and i could totally relate to really, really, REALLY wanting my mommy.

on a funnier note, the locksmith came today. the whole time, i thought he was a she who was in need of a good chin wax. it was so very "mozart opera" in a way... take it from me, you just had to be there. kidzilla's calling. ttfn!

i've lost my mind....

so, i'm doing really well on the resolution front which would explain my absence from blogging as of late...

but, the thing is - i think i'm going crazy.

the creative side of me is keeping me awake at night. (well, that and resolution #5... oh! AND i've been introduced to the whole ALIAS phenomenon and i'm marathoning seasons 1 thru 3.)

and y'know that "take a real vacation" resolution? well, i think i may be spending some time in tennessee. for three really good reasons -

a) to visit the queen,
b) the king,
c) and the world's longest yard sale(450 miles of random)

but does renting an RV to visit graceland, dollywood and the length of highway 127 really constitute a "real" vacation? doubtful.

but, after seeing "The Day After" movie, the footage from the tsunami tragedy and the slim mounds of teetering snow on my backyard fence... it might not be a bad idea to stay relatively close to home and landlocked.

i mean, really, what could possibly happen in tennessee?

the weather report

"...The National Weather Service In Chicago IL Has Upgraded The Winter Storm Watch To A Heavy Snow Warning. The Potential For Heavy Snowfall Of 8 To 12 Inches Is Greatest North Of A Line From Lee County To Aurora To Chicago.

Will Receive Some Sleet And Freezing Rain This Evening Before Turning Over To Snow. The Heaviest Snow Will Likely Occur From The Early Afternoon Through The Late Evening Hours On Wednesday. Heavy Snow Will Reduce Visibility And Cause Roads And Walkways To Become Snow Covered And Hazardous.

Avoid Travel. If You Must Travel, Use Caution. If Traveling In Open Country Carry A Winter Storm Survival Kit Including A Shovel, Dry Clothes And Blankets, Food, A Flashlight And Cell Phone. Any Travel Is Strongly Discouraged. If You Leave The Safety Of Being Indoors, You Are Putting Your Life At Risk. "

in other news...

popzilla learned that the city is not responsible for clearing sidewalks of snow. (collective "DUH!")

kidzilla learned to say sh*t.

i learned that the sentimental novelty of snow angels is overrated, especially when that snow's in yer crack. (no drug connection implied whatsoever...)

2 advil, an omelette & a gallon of water later...

highlights from new years eve:

1. une bouteille - veuve clicquot ponsardin (said with an outrageous fraunch auksont)
2. spending quality time with my b-girl, stayC
3. not killing a family of deer* - again.

the resolutions (compiled after drinking wine from a box) :

1. spend more quality time with popzilla, the cats, family & friends
2. discontinue impersonating creative people and succeed where milli vanilli failed
3. find babysitter for kidzilla
4. less procrastination, more hasty hotfooting
5. get knocked up - again. (by popzilla)
6. take a real vacation

and so begins 2005... pace yourselves, neighbors - 362 days to go...

*scientists are currently researching the near fatal attraction of deer to moving vehicles driven by stayC & mamazilla.
to date, no deer have been harmed during study.