I feel for you because I know how you feel. You've been through an emotional time lately with the wedding and everything. It's hard when you have small children that require so much care as well. Just hang in there. You'll get through this and find a way to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Before long the kids will be old enough to ride bikes or roller blade anywhere you want to go. You'll also be getting a good night sleep and that changes your persepective on things.
It's hard to be independant when you so many people that are dependent on you. It wear you down but it won't last forever. Mine are 7 and 9 now. I feel 100 times more independent that I did when they were little.
It's ok to feel like you are just trying to get through the day. there isn't a good mom/wife/woman anywhere that hasn't felt like that at some period. Feeling guilty about it will only make it worse. Just accept it for what it is and work towards making the best of each day. Even if the best isn't perfect.
i know this intellectually. but emotionally, i am completely torn up about it. i have never in my life felt so useless, so worthless, so powerless... like i so often do now. i worry about how this is affecting my overall mental and physical health, each unique relationship i have - with my husband, my children, my family members and friends...
Your feelings are present, regardless of my poor attempts to point out the various reasons your plight is not so bad, or fleeting. I remind you that neither you nor I can be "independent" like we were when we were single or without children. Even if we were living still in the South Loop, you would find you needed far more help than before and I think Peapod would have been in our future, since walking even one block down Wabash to the Jewel with two kids would have been tough work when the temperature is below zero, as it was through much of February.
A parent's "independence" after two kids is nothing more than wishful thinking, as much for you as for me. I have no greater independence than you, other than the fact that I can drive, which to my mind is not freedom as it is mobility. You may say it is is a distinction without a difference, but what does my ability to drive provide? For the most part, only the freeedom to get the groceries, pick up dinner or drive us all to other places.
You are not useless, worthless or powerless. Your kids love you and you have a husnband who still thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to him, regardless of your inability to clean the litter box j/k. You still possess creative talent that far outstrips that of mere mortals such as yours truly. These things exist and will always exist through arduous Chicago winters and playdates until the kids are older and begin to give you enough time for you to re-discover your own skills. In short, time is passing; finding your independence and talent and valuing yourself while your kids are young is hard, because the results aren't tangible. But I know your worth: you are still a good person, you have been a good mother and a good wife, and your value in making our house a home far exceeds any financial contribution you might have provided if you had maintained your independence and worked outside the home. You may not believe that, but I know it to be true.
Perhaps you don't measure up to your own standards regarding certain issues, perhaps you don't always measure up to your dumb husband's standards on all things; welcome to real life, where we all fall short of what we want to achieve and what others expect of us. I am not ignorant of my shortcomings in this regard. But this is not failure; you do so much right that the occasional misstep is nothing in the greater scheme. You are the rock of this family and you inspire me. Your children are healthy and happy, mostly due to you and your hard work. Your house is slowly but surely becoming something wonderful as more of your personality is stamped into it. And our house has a warmth and joy in it that simply would not exist were it not for you and your hard work. Do not cheapen that truth by lamenting for your lost ability to go to the grocery store.
Winter is hard. We just endured the hardest one since we came to Chicago six years ago. We have two young ones who are simply not easy. But focusing on your regrets and what you have missed as you live a mother's life in a Chicago neighborhood can only hurt. There will be a time in the near future when these kids will not need you as they do now. Fondly you may hope, fervently you may pray, for your freedom to arrive, but when it comes, you will also regret the passage of time and the loss of the intimacy that freedom will bring. You/we will have lives again someday that do not require us to live in such "isolated" circumstances. And by the time that occurs, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did a good job raising porkchop and the paloma, despite the sacrifices.
Mamazilla, I only know you through this blog, so I'm not going to try to negate your feelings, or tell you you shouldn't feel that way, it isn't so bad, or any of that. I just want to tell you to consider me a friend.
I learned how to drive just about 4 years ago. So having been someone who went through most of her 20's relying on public transportation, spouse, friends and co-workers - I understand. I'm also in the category of "I must do it by myself." Because I have been let down, a whole lot. I understand.
This is why I have been so paralyzed regarding our own planned house purchase. Although I do drive, I, too, have the fear of feeling trapped and isolated and this is one of the main reasons why I never wanted to move to the suburbs. And now we're contemplating a move to the (near) suburbs and it's scary.
Hang in there! Give me a call sometime if u wanna chat.
Ah grasshopper, you and I are very much alike. And, that's not a bad thing at all. We all have to rely on each other even though we may not want to.
I have no words of wisdom to give only that independence is not a bad thing and relying on those you love and trust is not a bad thing either. The bad thing would be if you DIDN'T have people you could rely on. Oh, and thanks for including me as part of your post - I feel so honored (seriously).
puglet - what's that? you're fed ex-ing me some baked gooness with lots of chocolate? WOW! THANKS!!! and by all means, if you think baking a chocolate orgy for me is the ONLY way you'll get to sleep... i'll sacrifice my pride for you... *chokes back tears* ;) i'm headed over to check out your latest adventures in pasta...
imperceptible - you asked your readers on your blog what we look for in another blog and why we read them. honestly, i read your blog because it is reminds me that these grey days are temporary. that these days will swing like a pendulum. that i'll get thru it because i'm not alone. words are not enough to thank you for your kind words and your thoughts. i'm SO glad i found you via thezeroboss! :)
anonymous - the porkchop is napping, you are sitting on the couch with the paloma in your arms while you both watch the cars movie. although, you don't know it(cause i'm hiding it really well so as not to worry the paloma), i'm crying. i don't know what else to say except, i love you.
bokumbop - seeing as we've already established the FOBBY irish boys connection, we're bosom buddies. ;) it's especially nice to know that you know where i'm coming from on the non driving front. i don't feel nearly as alone.
shelly - thanks. i'll check it out.
tessence - omg. having lived here most of my life i can assure you... oak park is far from isolated... no one really considers it a suburb. you'll love it, i promise - you'll see. :)
eat misery - the thin man is a wonderful man. it's true. he is a gift and i'm very very lucky in love. just gonna try to keep on keeping on... :) and many thanks for the kind compliments - right back atcha.
irene - the honor is all mine. btw - i'm cheering for you all the time. can't wait to hear about the new place. hope you post some pics!
9 comments:
ooo good good post. I have no answers. Zip. Zilch. But in what you wrote, i understood it all.
I feel for you because I know how you feel. You've been through an emotional time lately with the wedding and everything. It's hard when you have small children that require so much care as well. Just hang in there. You'll get through this and find a way to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Before long the kids will be old enough to ride bikes or roller blade anywhere you want to go. You'll also be getting a good night sleep and that changes your persepective on things.
It's hard to be independant when you so many people that are dependent on you. It wear you down but it won't last forever. Mine are 7 and 9 now. I feel 100 times more independent that I did when they were little.
It's ok to feel like you are just trying to get through the day. there isn't a good mom/wife/woman anywhere that hasn't felt like that at some period. Feeling guilty about it will only make it worse. Just accept it for what it is and work towards making the best of each day. Even if the best isn't perfect.
I'm thinking about you and wishing you well.
You say:
i know this intellectually. but emotionally, i am completely torn up about it. i have never in my life felt so useless, so worthless, so powerless... like i so often do now. i worry about how this is affecting my overall mental and physical health, each unique relationship i have - with my husband, my children, my family members and friends...
Your feelings are present, regardless of my poor attempts to point out the various reasons your plight is not so bad, or fleeting. I remind you that neither you nor I can be "independent" like we were when we were single or without children. Even if we were living still in the South Loop, you would find you needed far more help than before and I think Peapod would have been in our future, since walking even one block down Wabash to the Jewel with two kids would have been tough work when the temperature is below zero, as it was through much of February.
A parent's "independence" after two kids is nothing more than wishful thinking, as much for you as for me. I have no greater independence than you, other than the fact that I can drive, which to my mind is not freedom as it is mobility. You may say it is is a distinction without a difference, but what does my ability to drive provide? For the most part, only the freeedom to get the groceries, pick up dinner or drive us all to other places.
You are not useless, worthless or powerless. Your kids love you and you have a husnband who still thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to him, regardless of your inability to clean the litter box j/k. You still possess creative talent that far outstrips that of mere mortals such as yours truly. These things exist and will always exist through arduous Chicago winters and playdates until the kids are older and begin to give you enough time for you to re-discover your own skills. In short, time is passing; finding your independence and talent and valuing yourself while your kids are young is hard, because the results aren't tangible. But I know your worth: you are still a good person, you have been a good mother and a good wife, and your value in making our house a home far exceeds any financial contribution you might have provided if you had maintained your independence and worked outside the home. You may not believe that, but I know it to be true.
Perhaps you don't measure up to your own standards regarding certain issues, perhaps you don't always measure up to your dumb husband's standards on all things; welcome to real life, where we all fall short of what we want to achieve and what others expect of us. I am not ignorant of my shortcomings in this regard. But this is not failure; you do so much right that the occasional misstep is nothing in the greater scheme. You are the rock of this family and you inspire me. Your children are healthy and happy, mostly due to you and your hard work. Your house is slowly but surely becoming something wonderful as more of your personality is stamped into it. And our house has a warmth and joy in it that simply would not exist were it not for you and your hard work. Do not cheapen that truth by lamenting for your lost ability to go to the grocery store.
Winter is hard. We just endured the hardest one since we came to Chicago six years ago. We have two young ones who are simply not easy. But focusing on your regrets and what you have missed as you live a mother's life in a Chicago neighborhood can only hurt. There will be a time in the near future when these kids will not need you as they do now. Fondly you may hope, fervently you may pray, for your freedom to arrive, but when it comes, you will also regret the passage of time and the loss of the intimacy that freedom will bring. You/we will have lives again someday that do not require us to live in such "isolated" circumstances. And by the time that occurs, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you did a good job raising porkchop and the paloma, despite the sacrifices.
God bless my dear.
Mamazilla, I only know you through this blog, so I'm not going to try to negate your feelings, or tell you you shouldn't feel that way, it isn't so bad, or any of that. I just want to tell you to consider me a friend.
I learned how to drive just about 4 years ago. So having been someone who went through most of her 20's relying on public transportation, spouse, friends and co-workers - I understand. I'm also in the category of "I must do it by myself." Because I have been let down, a whole lot. I understand.
This is why I have been so paralyzed regarding our own planned house purchase. Although I do drive, I, too, have the fear of feeling trapped and isolated and this is one of the main reasons why I never wanted to move to the suburbs. And now we're contemplating a move to the (near) suburbs and it's scary.
Hang in there! Give me a call sometime if u wanna chat.
The Anonymous commentor above can only be your husband. Right? And what a wonderful man he is.
It's okay to lean on him; he welcomes that. And spring is around the corner, so maybe the cabin fever will lessen.
Be tough and be strong. You are a wonderful mother, a talented woman, and a gift to the man who calls you his wife.
Ah grasshopper, you and I are very much alike. And, that's not a bad thing at all. We all have to rely on each other even though we may not want to.
I have no words of wisdom to give only that independence is not a bad thing and relying on those you love and trust is not a bad thing either. The bad thing would be if you DIDN'T have people you could rely on. Oh, and thanks for including me as part of your post - I feel so honored (seriously).
Oops - second part:
Paloma is such a cutie! I walk like that when I've had too much of a good time out with the girls!
puglet - what's that? you're fed ex-ing me some baked gooness with lots of chocolate? WOW! THANKS!!! and by all means, if you think baking a chocolate orgy for me is the ONLY way you'll get to sleep... i'll sacrifice my pride for you... *chokes back tears* ;) i'm headed over to check out your latest adventures in pasta...
imperceptible - you asked your readers on your blog what we look for in another blog and why we read them. honestly, i read your blog because it is reminds me that these grey days are temporary. that these days will swing like a pendulum. that i'll get thru it because i'm not alone. words are not enough to thank you for your kind words and your thoughts. i'm SO glad i found you via thezeroboss! :)
anonymous - the porkchop is napping, you are sitting on the couch with the paloma in your arms while you both watch the cars movie. although, you don't know it(cause i'm hiding it really well so as not to worry the paloma), i'm crying. i don't know what else to say except, i love you.
bokumbop - seeing as we've already established the FOBBY irish boys connection, we're bosom buddies. ;) it's especially nice to know that you know where i'm coming from on the non driving front. i don't feel nearly as alone.
shelly - thanks. i'll check it out.
tessence - omg. having lived here most of my life i can assure you... oak park is far from isolated... no one really considers it a suburb. you'll love it, i promise - you'll see. :)
eat misery - the thin man is a wonderful man. it's true. he is a gift and i'm very very lucky in love. just gonna try to keep on keeping on... :) and many thanks for the kind compliments - right back atcha.
irene - the honor is all mine. btw - i'm cheering for you all the time. can't wait to hear about the new place. hope you post some pics!
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