Monday, March 26, 2007

if i were a toy...


i would be "neanderthal woman", part of the prehistoric world of toys from bullyland. how sad is it that i need to schedule a pity date with a warmed bowl of liquid wax, strips of cotton muslin, a shaving razor, fruity shaving foam and some foul smelling chemical depilatory.

and... oh the horror! THE HORROR! *insert crescendo-ing psycho stalking horror flick music here* THE TOENAILS! *shudder*

seriously, it's been a long *ss winter and these last few warm days in chicago have evicted me from my dark, warm, womblike burrow and forced me out of hibernation. but unlike my fellow dormant moms who have now blossomed into a beautiful daffodil or vibrant crocus or graceful lily - i am the fugly, wild, feral weed (as in dandelion, not cannabis) personified.

in the winter, i only have to occasionally think about who is "bra worthy" or "jeans (v. yoga pant) worthy" or "contacts worthy" or even "shower worthy".

horrible i know, but sleep totally trumps every thing in my book - even if it's just an extra five minutes.

and now? now, i have to think about who's "ingrown hair worthy".

i walked out of the house today in sweatpants and a sweatshirt and athletic shoes... and everyone else was walking around in shorts and camis and flip flops - all willy nilly, skippity skip.

wtf?! it's 80 degrees! in march! in chicago! i wanted to b*tch slap the national weather service.

don't get me wrong, i'm SO ready for spring. i'm especially ready for summer. but i'm so not ready for the roving eyes of the hair gestapo.

and another thing, if i was blonde... and latvian... and well, pretty, thin and a shapely C cup - no one would care if i had hairy pits or legs.

5 comments:

Barb said...

I wouldn't give a shit if you came over right now, as long as you felt the same way. I'm sitting here wearing yoga pants and a giant T-shirt featuring a Maine Coon and Burmese stamp back when 1st-class stamps were 22 cents (my mom got it for me, for real). OK, these are my PJs. My hair is up in a scrunchy bun and I'm wearing my glasses.

Well, I'm kind of sick from the anemia, too, and nearly fell out of the tub while taking a shower yesterday, but you could still come over. :)

And it's NOT 80, it's 67!!!!! But yeah, if I were white, blonde, a C-cup, just like Brian minus the C-cup, I'd be out there wearing short shorts and camis too.

Puglet said...

Sheeeeeet, I'm trying to figure out if it's even possible for me to bend and shave my legs yet for my date Saturday, plus do I even try and put concealor on the beast on the back of my neck, but what's worse is my super HOT bra that makes my boobs looks spectacular pulls on my shoulders funny and makes me look more like a hunched over healed tight t-rex than I normally do. BUT, I must make it work. My need for nookie far outweighs any trepidation hairy legs, less than spectacular boobs, and brains falling out of my head does.
Oh yeah. I'm HOT

tessence said...

At least you have the option of wearing your jeans. i can pull mine up now, but zipping is a ways away. but yesterday was so great, i just threw on a short maternity dress and the least snowclomper shoes i could find and got out there.

Angela said...

Mamazilla you are so funny and honest, you're great! I know how you feel, living in Canada, I have the option of not always keeping up with shaving my legs, etc. I'm starting to actually use the yoga DVD I bought a few months ago, I have to get in shape now that the warmer weather is here and people will actually be forced to see more than my head...the horror...the horror...

mamazilla said...

barb - it WAS 80. it's now, something insanely ridiculous like 40. dude. i like that you roll like me - pajama style! ;) i think i used to sell that shirt when i worked at a nature company like store in my early college days. my favorite cat, buena, was a mix of himalayan and maine coon.... i miss her SO much! i might need to ebay for a similar shirt!

puglet - don't go insulting the brainless now... paris, lindsay, britney... i hear they're pretty hot and never complain about nookie droughts. ;P

tessence - i woulda killed to be wearing something as breezy as a maternity dress on that day... i was sweating up a storm in an effort to disguise my true yeti form... :( i hope that gene skips the paloma and the porkchop.

angela - omg. you're joking right? i'm still flipping out about the stuff on TOP of the skin... i haven't even started thinking about the stuff UNDERNEATH the skin yet.

take a breath. slow down. ;)

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