so. it's finally come to this. i have to find a job.
i hate where we live. i hate it so much that i'm feel like if i don't get out of this area for a certain number of hours everyday i will blow my brains out.
and we can't afford to move - financially, physically, emotinally. this neighborhood is a great place to live and raise children... if you drive. which i don't. and frankly, it's also great if you're caucasian or african american.... if you're anything else, you're a minority and you feel like it - well, i certainly do.
i don't even know why i'm blogging about this... i hate to talk about it. i hate to think about it. i've exhausted all my real life friends and family with it... but it's the only thing that's on my mind and i feel like a weed has implanted itself into and wrapped tighly around my core. i feel trapped. i can't leave. i can't stay.
i hate the idea of going back to work to a job that won't pay me enough to justify my working... a job that will reduce me to a mindless cog in a machine.... i can't think of a job that would fulfill me and pay me enough. i can't think of a job that would pay me enough that would fulfill me.
the thin man said yesterday, "you're just not happy being a mom." he's right. i'm not happy being a mom that i'm not and trying to be someone i'm not EVERYDAY... i want to be the mom i am - an independent city mom who doesn't drive. and i can't. not while living here. my children deserve better than what they're getting from me now... resentment, anger, fear, depression, frustration...
it's hard for me to admit but the reality is someone else will do a better job of caring for my own children than me.
it's been very difficult to blog lately. i find it hard to open up and talk IRL or online... i'm trying to put on a good show, i'm trying really hard to keep it together... to be patient... to see the bright side...
but i feel completely broken.