Monday, June 25, 2007

broken.

so. it's finally come to this. i have to find a job.

i hate where we live. i hate it so much that i'm feel like if i don't get out of this area for a certain number of hours everyday i will blow my brains out.

and we can't afford to move - financially, physically, emotinally. this neighborhood is a great place to live and raise children... if you drive. which i don't. and frankly, it's also great if you're caucasian or african american.... if you're anything else, you're a minority and you feel like it - well, i certainly do.

i don't even know why i'm blogging about this... i hate to talk about it. i hate to think about it. i've exhausted all my real life friends and family with it... but it's the only thing that's on my mind and i feel like a weed has implanted itself into and wrapped tighly around my core. i feel trapped. i can't leave. i can't stay.

i hate the idea of going back to work to a job that won't pay me enough to justify my working... a job that will reduce me to a mindless cog in a machine.... i can't think of a job that would fulfill me and pay me enough. i can't think of a job that would pay me enough that would fulfill me.

the thin man said yesterday, "you're just not happy being a mom." he's right. i'm not happy being a mom that i'm not and trying to be someone i'm not EVERYDAY... i want to be the mom i am - an independent city mom who doesn't drive. and i can't. not while living here. my children deserve better than what they're getting from me now... resentment, anger, fear, depression, frustration...

it's hard for me to admit but the reality is someone else will do a better job of caring for my own children than me.

it's been very difficult to blog lately. i find it hard to open up and talk IRL or online... i'm trying to put on a good show, i'm trying really hard to keep it together... to be patient... to see the bright side...

but i feel completely broken.

9 comments:

Rachel said...

It sounds like you're in a bad place right now. I hope your situation improves in one way or another. Have you tried career counseling? I think there are even some tests you can take online.

There have been times when I felt that way, that someone else would do a better job than I was doing. I'm sure you are doing a better job than you think you are.

I am thinking of you.

bokumbop said...

*hugs* Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help ... having just been through a long job/soul-search myself. I was crying almost everyday this past Christmas vacation, feeling so useless to everybody. We can talk more offline if you want, but I'll just say this for now - for me, going back to work has actually made me a better parent, and wife. We're ALL so much happier now. And, as everyone is going to tell you, I bet you ARE doing better than you think/feel - sigh, we are very hard on ourselves, though.

ImPerceptible said...

Go for it.

You should no more feel guilty about wanting to have a job or a new place to live than I should for wanting to stay home. There isn’t such a thing as one right way to be a mom. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. It’s not working for you the way it is right now. Find what is right for you and make it happen. The rest will fall into place. I’ll be right here on my side of the screen cheering for you.

All moms need some time and space to themselves. Make sure you get some. OK? I’m worried about you.

mamazilla said...

rachel - thanks for thinking of me. it really means a lot.

bokumbop - thanks for the hugs. this is such a difficult decision to make. i really don't want to work - the thought of someone else picking up the paloma from preschool just makes me cry and cry.

imperceptible - i do need to get some time to myself... i have so little time with the paloma on summer break and the porkchop not napping in the morning anymore.... it's just tough all around... i feel so weak... i should be so happy to have this home, this life, and yet i'm complaining and wanting something else/more...

halfmama said...

I constantly feel like this too. You are not alone! Finding that balance is so difficult. I hope you find the right balance that most fulfills you. (And then share how you found it.) :)

Maman said...

Mamazilla, What you are doing now is one of the hardest things.. and I know. I had two children under the age of two at one point. The little ones are very demanding and hard on their mamas.. It is just nature. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be away from them for a period of time. In fact it is downright healthy. I was in graduate school and I worked when my filles were toddlers. I needed the adult interaction, especially when you are dealing with preverbal kiddos. There is no prescribed right way to do this parenting thing.. So hang in there and find what is the best mix for you and your family. Hugs!

Angela said...

Oh Mamazilla, I am so sorry it's so tough for you right now. You will get through this and make the right decisions for you and your family. I have been where you are, wondering about my choices and also feeling trapped and helpless, you are not alone. Please take care of yourself. Sending you good thoughts and really big hugs.

Irene said...

Hi - I'm sorry you're going through a rough spot. I know the angst of going to work and leaving your babies at home. David and I wrestled with that issue when Alex was born.

SugarMama said...

I have just recently decided to go back to school and I still get really emotional when I think about my children. Am I going to have enough time for them? Will my son's school suffer without me being there helping him with homework every night? But the most I get emotional on is having to be away from my newborn. I cry everytime I think about this. So I know the emotional roller coaster you are going through.

I hope that you will find peace at your decision at the end. And also, just remember that there is no one else in this world that would be better in taking care of your children besides yourself. Your kisses and tummy tickles will always be more comforting for them. :-)

I'm glad to have found you! :-)

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