Wednesday, January 25, 2006

sleepless (and unshowered) in chicago

chicago skyline photo by victor zhang, one frame at a time photoblog

(i started this post on the 17th... i can't believe how long it's taken me to spit the damn thing out...)

frequently in college, i got by on little to no sleep due to school or some dubious form of play.

there were the pungent and bleary eyed nights that were either spent closing a bar at 5 a.m. and sitting on a curb, observing weary commuters slowly flood the damen L stop, hunched over by the weight of their laptops, travel mugs & messenger bags and the other nights, watching the sky change from a thick dark purple to a watered down blush through the subterranean windows of my garden apartment and over the horizon line of a warm, humming sewing machine or a typewriter depending on the day of the week.

and back then, i could go from bar or all nighter, straight to a full day of class and/or retail work, and return to bar or all nighter again.

i realize that that was 10 years ago. and i didn't have a husband, or a house, or a toddler and a newborn... come to think of it, i didn't even have a cat. i had a jar of goober grape, a loaf of bread, a second hand saucepan and 10 pkgs of ramen noodles.

it's deflating on SO many levels how little and how badly i function or rather don't function on two hours of sleep.

most of these nights, i've been lurking over on chicago chick, commiserating with her in silence, it's like she is reading my mind. i can't seem to write anything after reading her blog. it's just redundant.

right now, i'm debating in my head, if i should even bother finishing this post because i could actually floss my teeth while b'zilla is napping on popzillas belly on the futon. this morning, i debated whether or not i should take the baby (in his carrier) off so that i could actually go to the bathroom alone. this afternoon, i actually got both pint size zillas to nap at the same time. you never know how long that window is - and you know what i did? i spent that teeny tiny window debating - do i blog?, do i write?, do i nap? do i eat lunch? do i clean the dishes? do i read a book? do i sit here and enjoy the silence? these are the weird debates that i have with myself.

i'm constantly reminding myself that these days are numbered. b'zilla will only be an infant for so long and that the first three months are always the worst. he's a much easier baby than k'zilla was by a long shot. sometimes, i feel like such a whiner for even complaining. i try to remind myself that raising k'zilla was easier because she was the only child and we lived in probably the best location on the planet for someone like me (a non-driver) to raise an only child.

but, it's really tough. some days - what's REALLY scary - is i often find myself crying out, "Lord, help me!" - and i mean it with every fiber of my being.

i haven't mentioned it but, since we brought b'zilla home, k'zilla has been a completely different child. she says "NO!" and "I don't want to!" - ALL THE TIME. she has no trouble talking back to me, disobeying me - she's even kicked me. intellectually, i know it's a phase and that we'll just have to be patient and work it out. but, i have to admit the filipino grandma in me wants to throttle her something fierce.

anyway, this post is looking like it has no point anymore... i just don't remember what it was i originally wanted to say...

i know this - i love my life, i love my beautiful children and my wonderful husband. but, some nights - i miss making a quiet bowl of ramen, watching the sunrise all by myself.

ok, i REALLY have to floss my teeth - they feel like they're woolly. eek.


Barb said...

In the Philippines, all the titos and titas, lolos and lolas would be around to help out. It's so different here.

mamazilla said...

i have plenty of extended family around... they just live on the north side - hard for me, when i don't drive. :(


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