Thursday, February 24, 2005

ok, i'm done. sorta....

i believe i'm unofficially done trying to get pregnant.

i'm pretty sure i'm done charting since i haven't taken my temp in a while and sadly, it wasn't that hard giving up. it's hypocritical for me to willingly wake up at the same time every morning, suck on a thermometer and wait for the beep beep beeping to end. the reality is, the only time i am willing to wait while listening to a series of beeps is when it's coupled with the scent of buttery popped corn or some other zapped warm goodie.

there should be more scenes about waiting for thermometers in independent films - it's a great metaphor for the mundane and speaks novels about being hopelessly hopeful. yes, that would be me, the poster child for the hopelessly hopeful. especially when i know where i am in my cycle and i realize (yet again and again and again) that my temperature dropped and i'm NOT pregnant. it's like my own personal "groundhog day".

i'm also not swallowing another drop of this homeopathic tincture i bought at the health food store. the bottle is kinda cool though. i may use it in some kind of found object collage (along with the thermometer maybe).

i will however, as a last ditch effort, try acupuncture. but that's it.

then, i'm officically officially done. if i get pregnant again, i get pregnant. but, i'm done with "working" at it. cause you can only say, "hey, it's fun trying", so many times and really mean it (which doesn't mean i don't like to have lots o' sex). besides, k'zilla is an awesome kid, she's the bestest little being my life has ever had the priviledge of bumping into. she's the one thing that proves my birth was not a mistake and i love her madly.

we have our difficult days when she's kid-a-plenty and occasionally on those days, even the shadow of the idea of having another child makes my ovaries shrivel in terror. what's weirder is the realization that someone out there thinks (or used to anyway) the same about me (thank you, mommy!).

and yet, i still daydream about k'zilla's nameless, faceless, genderless, phantom sibling. i'm sure i'm not the only mamazilla who hears the whispers of "an heir and a spare", as it escapes from that teeny tiny dusty little imaginary lock box in her head. (i swear i shove it right back in there immediately.) but the truth is life can be horribly brutal and unfair and the thought of any harm coming to her sends me running to her, desperate for empty reassurances. a giggle and a "hi mommy" will usually set me straight.

and for the record, if i do get pregnant again, i really hope it's a boy.

i remember when we scheduled our first ultrasound to catch a glimpse of k'zilla. i was wishing and wishing for a healthy child most of all, but after that, i was wishing for a girl. i figured i'd understand a girl better since a) i have girl parts b) i know other girls. and secretly, i just wasn't ready to get "christened" by my little boy with urine.

but now, that she's almost two. i realize that as a woman, i have to re-learn what it means to be a girl. girls are just different. they were and are an alien culture. growing up, i only had guy friends really. the girlfriends that i had and have are girls like me - girls with mostly guy friends. as a child, girls didn't hang with me because i was weird looking. the boys always made fun of me but they didn't mind hanging with me. they could appreciate that i could scale the back wall of my building like spiderman, run as fast or faster than them and could easily score goal after goal in floor hockey.

but, girls have always been so mysterious to me with their elaborate hierarchies, hushed secrets and esoteric streams of consciousness collected haphazardly in this perfumed, fuzzy, giggling, festooned package.... i was so glad and surprised when i graduated to "woman" because i failed so miserably at being a girl. and now, i'm expected to raise and educate one!? the one thing i can impart (besides the requisite abcs and 123s and random flashy dance moves) is solid fashion sensibility. and why is this, you ask? well, i'm convinced that the only reason i have the wide selection of clothes and accessories, my own quirky sense of style and a decade of experience in the fashion industry is because i had a huge crush on a boy who turned out to be gay. for years, i thought he had crushes on diana ross and donna summer. it wasn't until we graduated high school that he realized he wanted to BE diana ross and donna summer. everything else well have to explore and navigate together, k'zilla - no promises, except that i'll do my very best.

anyway, after two years with her, i think i'm ready to take on the challenges a baby boy would pose. i can hear all the other "been there done that" moms cackling and laughing hysterically right about now. i know, i can't believe how fragile i felt when i brought k'zilla home the first day. jeez louise - who WAS that person?

ok, really, i'm done... :)


Square1 said...

I agree it's not got to be any fun to work at it. To me (and I'm clueless so take this with the knowledge in that i'm pretty much talking out my butt here) it just seems like it would zap all of the joy out the the conception part, and feel like a series of failures. That can't be good for a relationship. Sometimes surprises happen when we learn to be content with what we have, and if they don't because we've already learned contentment, there's no disappointment either. I understand your desire for a little boy. They really are a different breed. I have my two daughters, and now that they are older... their hearts belong to daddy... unquestionably. My son on the other hand, well he makes it clear who he wants, and quite loudly at that. I wish ya' luck. He who is content with little posesses much.

Barb said...

well, all i can offer is a cliche: when you least expect it, expect it. my "raising" experience is limited to cats, but Brian and i realize that we treat Hopper--the only girl--differently. she's also the oldest. i don't even know if this is relevant. lol

mamazilla said...

square1 - you never cease to amaze me. you're so wise for a young lil' whippersnapper. ;)

barb - i never though of it that way... i should say that have three kids. (a two year old, a five year old and a nine year old. they all like to play with empty boxes and i'm still working on potty training all three...)


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