|paloma & me (& porkchop, in the oven), 10/2005|
i was going to delete all of my drafts without looking at them... i know, WHAT?!
thank goodness i had a change of heart... i found something i wrote in 2005:
"early in the morning, before any rational human being is normally up, even before the yappy dogs next door start to bark, paloma and i can usually be found underneath a down comforter - i try to coax her back to sleep, she gently pokes around my head whispering "mommy nose", "mommy eye", "mommy ear", "mommy hair".
well, recently, on another one of those quiet dark mornings, she gently poked my neck (see: cystic hygroma) and said, "mommy boo boo".
i knew this day would come and similar days will follow. the stolen looks will grow into questions and the questions into conversations. and eventually, she'll be disappointed and somehow i'll have to swallow all of it up for her, like all the many times i've done it before with all of my loved ones, and gradually siphon away a little bit at a time - forever - because that's what i do ...
a few years back, the thin man (pre-kid) and i were in vegas for some reason a few months after our wedding. we were newlyweds, just back from our honeymoon. we were walking down the main drag and i caught someone's eye - some random guy... and i saw it coming, like clockwork, this random guy turned into instant thoughtless jerk and yelled something insulting at me about my neck. i kept walking and in that split second said a silent prayer, hoping the thin man hadn't heard. but he had and turned right around and shoved him, almost starting a fist fight... i managed to pull him away and some random tourists got in the way of the jerk but there it was... a vacation day almost ruined by ignorant hurtful words....
how do i realistically go about teaching my child to tolerate imperfection? what is the consolation in knowing that chaos is the genuine nature of nature? or that beauty is "in the eye of the beholder"?
what possible consolation can i offer her if/and/or when she's teased at school? besides (getting another surgery that will not solve anything really...)
i'm constantly fending off the thin man's requests to meet the elementary volleyball team he coaches. i do it mostly because paloma always interrupts games by chasing after the ball in play. but, i don't want to meet them because after a day with paloma, i don't have the energy to withstand the innocent scrutiny."
to say the least i'm glad i paused to preview this post... it's been a lifetime since the paloma had so few words... (lol!)
recently, the kids have confessed to me that their classmates are very curious about me and sometimes not very nice about it. my heart aches and sometimes breaks for my kids and the regular (hopefully, not daily) teasing they endure by classmates at school.
i thought after living thru a tough childhood, i'd be prepared for a second and third one lived by my children... as a kid, i learned not to hide.... to embrace my inner and outer freak, to raise my freak flag high... ;) my mother helped by not fighting to "normalize" me for the comfort of everyone else.
but it's much tougher the second and third time around... i know childhood is tough anyway.... but it absolutely kills me that my "normal" kids get teased because of their "abnormal" mom.... a long time ago, i considered going back for more corrective surgery after i got scared by some other moms who predicted this scenario... but, i couldn't justify going under the knife again, to normalize myself for nameless faceless people i hadn't even met yet....
the kids have become very good at explaining basic science (you don't have brown hair like me, does that make you weird or just different? if you are i are different, why is one of us weird and the other isn't?) and talking to their friends about their feelings (when you talk about my mom like that, i don't like it and i don't want to talk to you right now.)
i'm so proud of them for being able to talk about it so openly and courageously. they get that from the thin man. i was never a talkative child and am not usually a talkative person. but their text is something that i know backwards and forwards, sadly... i also know how comforting it feels to whisper your worries to an open heart/mind, to give and receive unlimited and spontaneous hugs, to embrace the parts of your self that the rest of world is seemingly afraid of, and to pray and hope for friendship, tolerance and peace.
in the almost 10 years, i've been a mom, i've failed at so many events, so many times... hopefully, this is my event, the one that lands me a ribbon.... :)
(ok, besides the "i can do everything with one hand wrapped around a baby" ribbon....)
thanks for coming by and reading, i hope you had a pleasant "re-entry" monday... :)