yesterday, we had the electric subpanel in our house updated (i have NO idea what that really means outside of electricianspeak)
but i can tell you what it means in 'zillaspeak... it mean no lights, no sesame street, no land before time dvds, no 9 fm, no microwaved organic chicken nuggets w/ organic veggies, no blogs, no voicemails, no chilled juices or waters, no washer or dryer, no clocks, well... you get my sans electricity drift...
and it was actually... ok.
paloma and i didn't die. (bring it on, colonial house!)
(wee-HA! we live to annoy you day after another day!)
except for paloma's nap (which was constantly interrupted by the drilling thru of impervious pink chicago brick and the extravagant demolition of the previous electric subpanel "hydra"), we kicked it old school... lucky for us it was also warm enough to swing and slide for hours in the backyard.
well... i'm officially "busy" now (trying to raise paloma, while still maintaining my alter alter egos of bridezilla and girlzilla, write a quarter of a phantom book to have ready for a residency and start a southside drawing club) and so i'm forced to revisit the original idea of mamazilla.
as a newbie 2003 mom, in my post partum glow, i experienced some tragicomic de ja vues. i called them my "then & nows". so, i started my blog by cataloging a handful of them in an effort to communicate with the living as well as stimulate what little creative process my mommy peabrain could muster.
back then, paloma's naps were frequent and unpredictable. now, paloma's moods, naps and meals are relatively easy to pre-determine. i was tearing my hair out then and i still tear my hair out now... (see... then and now...)
all of that coupled with the onset of spring (read: recent release from the 'zillas minimum security self-imposed winter prison) and my new ventures, i may have to resort to "then & nows" again. which does not mean "i'm taking a hiatus" - it means i have a two year old who can go outside for some supervised play now.... (awwww, maaaan...)
anyhoo... i thought up two "then & now"s this morning as i was flipping thru last week's time out chicago... one is totally unfit to print here - you'll get the other and like it:
binge drinking
then:
11 p.m. bar #1 - six shooter o' jack, two pints of black and tans.
2 a.m. bar #2 - three pints o' leinenkugels
5 a.m. bar #3 - don't remember but a legendary table dance, an elvis impersonator and a $20 cab tip should suffice for memory loss.
now:
all day; kitchen table, living room sofa, basement futon (rotating) - 2 - 15oz vitamin c drinks, a 8 oz cup of hot chocolate, a 10 oz mug of chamomile tea, a 12oz can ginger ale and 4 - 8 oz glasses of ice water.
whoa, nelly.
mo' lateah...
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
caterpillar - cocoon - butterfly
i'm not going to pass any judgments about terri schiavo's situation and the separate factions fighting for her life/death . i honestly don't know much about the history of her story which is more important to me than what is happening now.
my impression is that she made a mistake. i believe her husband when he says that terri didn't want any heroic measures. i hear so many of my friends say the same thing. i may be catholic, but i think it's one's decision to do with one's life what he/she wants. i don't think anyone knows what their "god" truly intends for them. i think you just go with what you know...
but, the bottom line is she didn't get her wishes recorded legally. unfortunately, 15 years later, she's still paying for that "mistake".
i was surprised to hear on this morning's news report that according to health professionals, terri's not suffering. how can anyone really know for sure (especially in terri's case)? and who can really define what suffering is?
as a mother, i don't blame terri's parents for fighting so desperately for the life of their child. i can't imagine facing a decision like that with kidzilla. i'd sacrifice my own life in the blink of an eye, maybe even someone elses, if it meant i could save her from a long and painful death.
but, it's been a long time coming... it's that time - terri's on her way to somewhere else. it's time to stop fighting each other by using terri as a platform and a weapon, store away the glaring spotlight and let her family regroup in peace to comfort her and say their goodbyes. who knows maybe she'll surprise us all? doubtful, but i'm a believer in the miraculous...
to be honest, from the outside looking in, terri's become everybody's property and the poster child for pro & con euthanasia groups. she ceased being a living, breathing person due to the media circus not her condition. she's been reduced to a video loop, a sound bite or a photo op. it's humbling how this world can foster and shelter such beautiful and repulsive beings and really you can't tell one from the other at first sight...
to me, it's ironic and fitting in a way that this is all happening during the christian holy week - the week that always overpowers me to tears. it's like a big ol' magnifying glass set clearly upon me and my achievements, crimes and daily petty misdemeanors for my yearly reality check. but, it always inspires me & reminds me of the awe-inspiring and formidable potential buried in each and every individual person.
i always try to see the presence of divinity in all people. admittedly, it's hard to see the divinity with some (school bullies, the wabash ave. meter maid, extremeist terrorists) but i can see it pretty easily with terri - maybe her life and dying are meant to serve as a message or to teach the rest of us a harsh lesson. personally, i think the message is "live and love abundantly and generously so that whatever day is your last day - you and your loved ones know everything that had to be said was said and everything that had to be done was done."
...and on that note, i must rescue a howling kidzilla from her toddler bed, scam a sweaty hug and take a deep breath of fresh spring air outside...
peace be with you, terri and to all of you out there, too.
my impression is that she made a mistake. i believe her husband when he says that terri didn't want any heroic measures. i hear so many of my friends say the same thing. i may be catholic, but i think it's one's decision to do with one's life what he/she wants. i don't think anyone knows what their "god" truly intends for them. i think you just go with what you know...
but, the bottom line is she didn't get her wishes recorded legally. unfortunately, 15 years later, she's still paying for that "mistake".
i was surprised to hear on this morning's news report that according to health professionals, terri's not suffering. how can anyone really know for sure (especially in terri's case)? and who can really define what suffering is?
as a mother, i don't blame terri's parents for fighting so desperately for the life of their child. i can't imagine facing a decision like that with kidzilla. i'd sacrifice my own life in the blink of an eye, maybe even someone elses, if it meant i could save her from a long and painful death.
but, it's been a long time coming... it's that time - terri's on her way to somewhere else. it's time to stop fighting each other by using terri as a platform and a weapon, store away the glaring spotlight and let her family regroup in peace to comfort her and say their goodbyes. who knows maybe she'll surprise us all? doubtful, but i'm a believer in the miraculous...
to be honest, from the outside looking in, terri's become everybody's property and the poster child for pro & con euthanasia groups. she ceased being a living, breathing person due to the media circus not her condition. she's been reduced to a video loop, a sound bite or a photo op. it's humbling how this world can foster and shelter such beautiful and repulsive beings and really you can't tell one from the other at first sight...
to me, it's ironic and fitting in a way that this is all happening during the christian holy week - the week that always overpowers me to tears. it's like a big ol' magnifying glass set clearly upon me and my achievements, crimes and daily petty misdemeanors for my yearly reality check. but, it always inspires me & reminds me of the awe-inspiring and formidable potential buried in each and every individual person.
i always try to see the presence of divinity in all people. admittedly, it's hard to see the divinity with some (school bullies, the wabash ave. meter maid, extremeist terrorists) but i can see it pretty easily with terri - maybe her life and dying are meant to serve as a message or to teach the rest of us a harsh lesson. personally, i think the message is "live and love abundantly and generously so that whatever day is your last day - you and your loved ones know everything that had to be said was said and everything that had to be done was done."
...and on that note, i must rescue a howling kidzilla from her toddler bed, scam a sweaty hug and take a deep breath of fresh spring air outside...
peace be with you, terri and to all of you out there, too.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
just an FYI - i HATE writing thank you notes.
i'd rather be getting a plaster cast done of my teeth than write these thank you notes.
i could probably be persuaded into getting a really painful and unsightly piercing in exchange for not having to write thank you notes.
i would trade the task of writing these thank you notes for cold stirrups & a pelvic exam.
what's pathetic is they're not even "from" me, they're "from" my two year old to the attendees of her 2nd birthday party...
just another glaring example of how life is different in the ghetto. we didn't do thank you notes or party favors in the ghetto. i remember on my 11th birthday, all the booze in our bar was depleted by the 6th grade party people. the party was over in an hour. parents were calling our house for days....
i just want to write:
THANK YOU!
on the inside of the card... centered and within balanced compostion of the size of the card and be done with it.
but, no... that would be impolite. i blame martha. i hate martha.
y'know, i have a friend who has a friend who went on a blind date with martha. he was unimpressed from the get go but went to dinner with her anyway. throughout dinner, she had a fair number of drinks. on the stretch limo ride home, martha got a little frisky and tried to shove her tongue down his throat.
if an upper-crusty, middle aged, east coast woman gets her freak on in the back of a limo with some random dude (years before her prosecution and incarceration, i might add) - WHY do I have to write freakin' thank you notes!?
i hate thank you notes. and then i have to go buy umpteen zillion stamps.... i hate stamps....
i could probably be persuaded into getting a really painful and unsightly piercing in exchange for not having to write thank you notes.
i would trade the task of writing these thank you notes for cold stirrups & a pelvic exam.
what's pathetic is they're not even "from" me, they're "from" my two year old to the attendees of her 2nd birthday party...
just another glaring example of how life is different in the ghetto. we didn't do thank you notes or party favors in the ghetto. i remember on my 11th birthday, all the booze in our bar was depleted by the 6th grade party people. the party was over in an hour. parents were calling our house for days....
i just want to write:
THANK YOU!
on the inside of the card... centered and within balanced compostion of the size of the card and be done with it.
but, no... that would be impolite. i blame martha. i hate martha.
y'know, i have a friend who has a friend who went on a blind date with martha. he was unimpressed from the get go but went to dinner with her anyway. throughout dinner, she had a fair number of drinks. on the stretch limo ride home, martha got a little frisky and tried to shove her tongue down his throat.
if an upper-crusty, middle aged, east coast woman gets her freak on in the back of a limo with some random dude (years before her prosecution and incarceration, i might add) - WHY do I have to write freakin' thank you notes!?
i hate thank you notes. and then i have to go buy umpteen zillion stamps.... i hate stamps....
Monday, March 21, 2005
OMG! i got in!!!
i just got the email - i got an associate residency position at the atlantic center for the arts to work with jessica hagedorn!!!
hours later, post-euphoria: who the f*ck is going to watch kidzilla for three weeks!? and how the f*ck am i supposed to finish writing a book in that same amount of time!? what the h*ll was i f*cking thinking!!??
hours later, post-euphoria: who the f*ck is going to watch kidzilla for three weeks!? and how the f*ck am i supposed to finish writing a book in that same amount of time!? what the h*ll was i f*cking thinking!!??
and another thing...
i TOTALLY OBJECT to this blogger, this blogger and this blogger taking a hiatus from blogging. i really hope they see the error in their ways and immediately resume regularly scheduled blogging like this blogger did.
and for the record, it bugs the sh*t outta me when bloggers just disappear off the face of the blogsphere like this one or this one.
whoa! the keeper of the holy zucchini has staged a comeback!!!??? eureka!
and for the record, it bugs the sh*t outta me when bloggers just disappear off the face of the blogsphere like this one or this one.
whoa! the keeper of the holy zucchini has staged a comeback!!!??? eureka!
i made this!
no idle hands to be found at the 'zillas... no, sireeee, bob!
currently, i'm working on a vintage inspired, hand embroidered, personalized pillow for k'zilla. i may do two more generic ones and show those to you... ('cause i can't bring myself to broadcast her name to y'all anonymous heathen folk).
recently, my friend, stace (WHO TOTALLY BLEW ME OFF THIS WEEKEND FOR A BOY, BY THE WAY), makes jewelry and got me hooked on it. i made the pictured necklace based on this one from the sundance catalog. *doing roger rabbit*
concurrently, i stumbled on the awesome website of the LA drawing club. i was so inspired by the work that they're doing that i started to look around for something similar here. i couldn't find anything really so, i emailed the beverly art center (a neighborhood institution) about whether or not they host something similar. i got an email back asking if i could meet with them to start one up based on the specs of LA drawing club. so, i meet with them this weekend. they've offered up the much needed space or help with the fee if i decide to find a space off site. (!)
and lastly, i've decided to break my silence about something that i've been working on... a few months back, i applied for an associate artist residency position for an upcoming program with jessica hagedorn at the atlantic center for the arts in florida.
i've always doubted that i would get the residency. i really applied because i admire jessica hagedorn and her work and i thought it would be really helpful (& b*tchin' cool) to have her read something of mine and maybe even critique it.
so, it's march 21st and still no SASE in the mail... i think i've given up now. (i'm such a giver-upper, i know...)
anyway, the writing sample i sent was a part of an idea of for a book about mothers and daughters i had. since then, that idea has metamorphosed into something else. so, i went ahead and started a brand spanking new blog (since i reckon that's the hip happening blogging thing to do in these here parts) based on this idea. so, i introduce to you plastic bag of crayons.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
happy st patrick's day!
to all you irish and adopted irish... i raise this 100% apple juice box to the patron saint credited with the conversion of ireland... hmmm, i kinda have a hankering to watch "the quiet man" tonight... HOMERIC!
anyway, i really wish i had an mp3 of the irish blessing that was sung at our wedding. (we had this multicultural thing going - a dash of spanish, a splash o' filipino, a sprinkle of latin, etc.) i've googled everywhere and haven't found it.
so, here is the blessing sans accompaniment which i hope will suffice...
may the road rise up to meet you,
may the wind be ever at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rains fall soft upon your fields,
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
oh! and another thing... you better be wearing some random kind of green anything today. cause if yer not and yer caught "greenless" by some hard core irish - they're given the intangible license to pinch you mercilessly. trust me, i learned the painful way, growing up in chicago with some die hard irish peeps. i have the physical and emotional scars to prove it.
anyway, i really wish i had an mp3 of the irish blessing that was sung at our wedding. (we had this multicultural thing going - a dash of spanish, a splash o' filipino, a sprinkle of latin, etc.) i've googled everywhere and haven't found it.
so, here is the blessing sans accompaniment which i hope will suffice...
may the road rise up to meet you,
may the wind be ever at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face
and the rains fall soft upon your fields,
and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
oh! and another thing... you better be wearing some random kind of green anything today. cause if yer not and yer caught "greenless" by some hard core irish - they're given the intangible license to pinch you mercilessly. trust me, i learned the painful way, growing up in chicago with some die hard irish peeps. i have the physical and emotional scars to prove it.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
lost mitten! reward!
seriously folks, i am the kitten who lost her mitten...
here's the ad that i posted on craigslist - see, i even asked for extraterrestrial help.
Sunday, March 13, 2005
BLANE!? his name is blane?
that's a major appliance, not a name! 
i'm not sure what's going on w/ blogger lately, but it's been tough getting pics and comments and all manner of blogging nonsense to work for me and with a two year old - time is a luxury i don't have and so begins yet another fruitless attempt at posting...
so, last week i learned (from the chicagoist) that andrew mccarthy was going to be a (olympic, herculean, slightly behemothic) stone's throw away from my house.
he was in town promoting his short film, "news for the church". after the screening, a reception was being hosted by "popzilla's bar" the cork and kerry. (i'm not sure when it became "his" bar since he didn't start going there until - i dunno - december? maybe?
anyway, this is where i admit to one of my guilty geek pleasures - i am a john hughes geek. i love most of john hughes' earlier movies, specifically the ones that starred the actors and actresses who would be forever traumatized by their "brat pack" label - sixteen candles, the breakfast club, pretty in pink, ferris bueller's day off, some kind of wonderful, she's having a baby.
in 1985, when i graduated primary school and moved away from my familiar north side ghetto to a sprawling mostly white suburb to go to a sprawling mostly white high school, the hughes' movies were messages in errant bottles lying on the beach of my teeny tiny ghetto island. it was as if john hughes created these characters just to comfort and inspire lil ol' me. they were unexpectedly flawed in so many ways but also unique, strong, courageous and treasured. it especially helped that they were usually based or filmed in illinois. the breakfast club was actually filmed at our sister school, maine north, which was empty & closed. friends of mine snuck onto the set and learned how to spit in the air from judd nelson and were present when the cast carved their names into the basketball court.
anyhoo, after reading that andrew mccarthy was going to be in town - i HAD to see him. we hastily set up a baby sitter and a plan of action - sing baby to sleep, let in babysitter, get all dolled up, catch ride w/ popzilla after his game, force popzilla to find andrew mccarthy (it's HIS bar) and VERY quickly introduce me to him, get his autograph, take pic, and rush home before babysitter can finish an NC-17 movie or call every friend on the planet to party at our house.
well.... all our (my) plans were dashed when kidzilla came down with a 102.5 fever about two hours before i'd planned to leave. (she's fine. her fever broke a day later. she's got a touch o' herpangina per her ped - but really she's fine.) BUT! popzilla was willing to get an autograph for me. so, with the liner from my joy luck club dvd in one pocket and a black sharpie in the other, he was a man on a mission...
apparently, the bar was pretty crowded but he spotted him easily. andrew was talking to a small circle of people, a woman turned and made a beeline for the bar to freshen her drink and popzilla swooped in to take her place. he was happy to report that he is taller than "BLANE" (popzilla is 6') they made with the intros & they shook hands (yes, i touched the hand that shook andrew's hand). popzilla thought he could bond with blane on the LA connection - a connection that blane doesn't seem to share since he mentioned that he moved to new york a while ago and is much happier living and working there instead of LA. that was when popzilla got out the joy luck club liner and asked for the autograph below. that's my popzilla, no one disses LA.
i should mention that a LONG time ago, i read an article in giant robot written by margaret cho (who was in town the following evening) about andrew mccarthy. she said something like he's everything asian girls like about white guys including being extremely good at looking bewildered. after reading that i polled some of my asian girlfriends - they all seemed to agree. i don't know what kind of research margaret cho did to come up with her conclusions. so, popzilla mentioned that blane gets the thumbs up from the asian ladies. blane was bewildered, modest and grateful about it. and with that they said their goodbyes.
so, mega big props to popzilla for going above and beyond the call of duty. not just for the autograph but for the laundry, the babysitting, the take out, the flowers, the feminine products, the humor, the patience and especially the love.
i'm not sure what's going on w/ blogger lately, but it's been tough getting pics and comments and all manner of blogging nonsense to work for me and with a two year old - time is a luxury i don't have and so begins yet another fruitless attempt at posting...
so, last week i learned (from the chicagoist) that andrew mccarthy was going to be a (olympic, herculean, slightly behemothic) stone's throw away from my house.
he was in town promoting his short film, "news for the church". after the screening, a reception was being hosted by "popzilla's bar" the cork and kerry. (i'm not sure when it became "his" bar since he didn't start going there until - i dunno - december? maybe?
anyway, this is where i admit to one of my guilty geek pleasures - i am a john hughes geek. i love most of john hughes' earlier movies, specifically the ones that starred the actors and actresses who would be forever traumatized by their "brat pack" label - sixteen candles, the breakfast club, pretty in pink, ferris bueller's day off, some kind of wonderful, she's having a baby.
in 1985, when i graduated primary school and moved away from my familiar north side ghetto to a sprawling mostly white suburb to go to a sprawling mostly white high school, the hughes' movies were messages in errant bottles lying on the beach of my teeny tiny ghetto island. it was as if john hughes created these characters just to comfort and inspire lil ol' me. they were unexpectedly flawed in so many ways but also unique, strong, courageous and treasured. it especially helped that they were usually based or filmed in illinois. the breakfast club was actually filmed at our sister school, maine north, which was empty & closed. friends of mine snuck onto the set and learned how to spit in the air from judd nelson and were present when the cast carved their names into the basketball court.
anyhoo, after reading that andrew mccarthy was going to be in town - i HAD to see him. we hastily set up a baby sitter and a plan of action - sing baby to sleep, let in babysitter, get all dolled up, catch ride w/ popzilla after his game, force popzilla to find andrew mccarthy (it's HIS bar) and VERY quickly introduce me to him, get his autograph, take pic, and rush home before babysitter can finish an NC-17 movie or call every friend on the planet to party at our house.
well.... all our (my) plans were dashed when kidzilla came down with a 102.5 fever about two hours before i'd planned to leave. (she's fine. her fever broke a day later. she's got a touch o' herpangina per her ped - but really she's fine.) BUT! popzilla was willing to get an autograph for me. so, with the liner from my joy luck club dvd in one pocket and a black sharpie in the other, he was a man on a mission...
apparently, the bar was pretty crowded but he spotted him easily. andrew was talking to a small circle of people, a woman turned and made a beeline for the bar to freshen her drink and popzilla swooped in to take her place. he was happy to report that he is taller than "BLANE" (popzilla is 6') they made with the intros & they shook hands (yes, i touched the hand that shook andrew's hand). popzilla thought he could bond with blane on the LA connection - a connection that blane doesn't seem to share since he mentioned that he moved to new york a while ago and is much happier living and working there instead of LA. that was when popzilla got out the joy luck club liner and asked for the autograph below. that's my popzilla, no one disses LA.
i should mention that a LONG time ago, i read an article in giant robot written by margaret cho (who was in town the following evening) about andrew mccarthy. she said something like he's everything asian girls like about white guys including being extremely good at looking bewildered. after reading that i polled some of my asian girlfriends - they all seemed to agree. i don't know what kind of research margaret cho did to come up with her conclusions. so, popzilla mentioned that blane gets the thumbs up from the asian ladies. blane was bewildered, modest and grateful about it. and with that they said their goodbyes.
so, mega big props to popzilla for going above and beyond the call of duty. not just for the autograph but for the laundry, the babysitting, the take out, the flowers, the feminine products, the humor, the patience and especially the love.
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Thursday, March 10, 2005
i broke open an egg today to satisfy my egg lust and two yolks came out of it. now, i'm having an uncomfortable simpsons' three eyed fish moment. what's ironic - it was an organic free range grade a large brown egg - at least that's what the carton says. but i went with my homeric food instinct and just anihilated this sweet eggy goodness...
if you don't hear from me ever again (lucky you!) - it's because i ate this and evolved into something else hopefully something with a brain but with my luck no appendages, no opposable thumbs, no nuthin, nada...
if you don't hear from me ever again (lucky you!) - it's because i ate this and evolved into something else hopefully something with a brain but with my luck no appendages, no opposable thumbs, no nuthin, nada...
Monday, March 07, 2005
f*ck this sellout sh*t.
(i've been working on this post for a while now... it's slightly dated but still relevant (to me anyway). the issue has been a thorn in my side for quite some time. must de-thorn. and really truly sorry for all the f-bombs.)
so, i watched the oscars on sunday night like most of snowbound america. i was really happy to see sandra oh in the audience looking quite lovely in her red ballgown. the first time i saw sandra oh was in a film called "double happiness". when i saw the movie, i had just graduated from art school and was struggling to prove to my parents that i hadn't made a mistake. i just couldn't disappoint them after they finally "allowed" me to pursue a career in the arts. so, the conflicted character she portrayed (a young asian woman pursuing a dream to become an actor w/o the approval of her parents) was very inspiring to me. since then, i've enjoyed her performances in the cable tv series "arli$$" and the movies "the red violin" ,"the princess diaries" and "under the tuscan sun".
anyway, she's in the movie "sideways" which was directed by her husband alexander payne. the film was nominated for five academy awards and actually won for adapted screenplay. (because i am lame and a slave to an extremely busy two year old, i have not yet seen this movie or most of the movies nominated for oscars this year.)
when the winner of the oscar was announced, the camera zoomed over to a joyous, beaming sandra hugging her husband and i just knew that the asian female sellout/race traitor haters would be rolling their eyes over sandra oh's "cracker" husband winning an academy award and mumbling that she got the part like all other actresses do - by sleeping with the director. and that thought made me sick to my stomach.
so, i'm curious and a glutton for punishment. i did a little googling and i learned, on different asian message forums, that me, sandra oh and all the women below have a few things in common a) we're female b) we're asian c) we're "sleeping with the enemy" d) we're sellouts, self haters and race traitors.
iris chang
juju chang
elaine chao
julie chen
connie chung
margaret cho
terry hong
andrea jung
maxine hong kingston
maya lin
michelle malkin
yuka sato
amy tan
kristi yamaguchi
jessica yu
oh yeah, we're also short sighted hypocrites too. you see, i may take the initiative to speak out against oppresion, protest racism and sexism, cultivate consciousness among other asian men & women, and blast asian stereotypes but if i'm married to "whitey" - i'm not helping "the cause". i'm not practicing what i preach. because i married a white man, i am biased and supporting white male dominance. i am perpetuating the vicious characterizion of asian men being undesirable and weak.
so, someone enlighten me, what IS "the cause" really? 'cause the way this issue has lit a fire under the *ss of almost every asian activist or pseudo activist, you'd think it was a communist state directive calling for the re-education of asian women of dating age.
do you want to put asian women in a different gilded cage than they're already in? do you want to make an asian woman feel even more responsible for the asian race than she already biologically, physically, intellectually and emotionally does? and why are my experiences and my involvement in the cause suddenly meaningless simply by my marriage to a white male. and how is that implication or conclusion any less demeaning that being connected to suzie wong, geisha girls, china dolls, bound feet, "me so horny" or "f*cky-sucky"? please clarify if my exsistence will always be tied to the one that i am attached to? if that's the case, i may as well be f*cking mormon (no offense intended to any mormons). and can someone tell me who the f*ck died and made all these other hateful male and female f*cktards the decisionmakers, outlining all the correct protocols for being pro-asian? it's to those people i ask the simple question - if you truly love your "asian sisters" why does your love come with conditions? pot? kettle? who's biased now? who's labeling who?
from my vantage point, society is ruled by a white patriarchy. newsflash! we live in f*cking america.
is it a perfect world? does a perfect world exist anywhere? does any one class or race hold a monopoly on being impoverished or chauvanistic or imperialistic? last time i checked, F*CK NO.
is this country better for some and not for others?
is there room for improvement? H*LL YES.
let's look at the news in asia shall we? let's see - asians are being tortured or brutally murdered at the hands of asian terrorist extremists. some asians are living desperately in deplorable conditions without all the things that we take for granted here - food, water, shelter, education while blocks away other asians are living in absolute luxury. whole islands and people were swept away by a tsunami and others were swallowed whole by massive earthquakes and mud slides. countries are ripped to shreds by abject poverty and rampant corruption. so why the f*ck are we even remotely focused on this dating issue? why is a minute of thought or energy wasted on who someone is dating and then, summarily kicking that person to the curb instead of getting off our collective *sses and re-focusing our attention to where it is truly needed?
my feeling is it's nobody's business why asian women date who they date. if the f*cking KKK can exist in the same century the my child lives in, do you really think i give a f*cking rat's *ss who a woman decides to date or marry? every woman has a preference just like every man. and why is it no sellout hater ever brings up the fact that some asian men date/marry white women exclusively?
to assume that asian women don't date asian men only because she's bought into the asian male misogynistic stereotype and feels she'll be treated like property is ridiculous. i'm sure it happens but frankly, if she does, she needs better role models and an education - not a man and certainly not to be demonized as a self hater or a race traitor. honestly, i don't think any modern urban woman feels like she should or could be owned by anyone - male or female - white or poc. additionally, i don't think any woman is free from sexism in this day and age. but to assume any woman's accomplishments are due only to the benevolence of a man is not only insulting, it's illogical. a woman's accomplishments are the fruits of her own labors, blood, sweat and tears. but a person's accomplishments are not the only things that define him/her. people are duty bound to many people and many dreams - i think it's masochistic to perceive and project one's self in just one way and still attempt a balance. i don't believe anyone is that simple.
my parents taught me that to successfully navigate this country or this life, the bottom line is if you think you're owned, you're owned, if you think you're trapped, you're trapped and it's your own damn fault. they should know. they were brought up in a country that has been colonized by almost every industrialized nation in the world. today, the philippines is characterized by others as "the sick man of asia" and a social catastrophe. the idea that they were less valuable than the people who "owned" them was drilled into their heads every minute of every day. but, my parents escaped that mindset and are successful. did they have to leave the philippines to do it. maybe yes, maybe no. but they don't see the philippines as a lost cause. my father loved it so much that he returned there and lives there now. my parents don't see themselves as the failed experiments of imperialist colonizers. they see themselves as success stories. could they stand to win a lottery? sure. couldn't you? were they fully accepted by mainstream america? hardly. are they happy? yes.
i guess my point is they are educated, successful and happy because they were taught and told that they could never be successful and even if they managed to be successful - they wouldn't survive. to which they resolutely responded, "f*ck you". they were challenged with different obstacles all of their lives and overcame them. they gave their children the tools we needed to do the same. i don't credit asia or asians or being asian or anything american with my happiness because i'm wholly aware that my parents are at the root of it.
i was lucky to have a very strong male and female role model. they were who they were and never apologized for it or hid from their true natures. they burned inefficient bridges wherever and whenever they appeared. they are very individual people. i remember being so conscious of how outrageous and honest and visibly vocal my parents were. everday, my parents shattered any illusions or goals i might've had of being a model minority and stopped me from fashioning a cage of my own making. so, for someone to call me a sellout, race traitor or a self hater is an insult to my parents and family as well as to me.
for the record, there wasn't a large asian male population for me to choose a mate from. growing up in my neighborhood, there were two asian boys and six asian girls. yes, i was attracted to both and both of them were attracted to every other girl but me (but, again - i am the circus freak - that was true for all boys, not just the asian ones). in my high school class, there were four asian boys. they also dated everyone except me.
to date, of all those asian boys i knew - one is gay, one is still a bachelor who only dates asian women and four married white women. i didn't keep in touch with the asian girls i went to primary or secondary school with but of the 14 asian girlfriends i have now, 4 are married to asian or other poc males, 4 are married to white males, 2 prefer to only date asian males and 3 have no preference and date males of all races.
in art school, i didn't have any asian male classmates. and despite the lack of asian men and vast wasteland of any asians in the media, i was ALWAYS attracted to asian men first but was open to dating men of all races.
in the end, i married my husband for many reasons, the least of which was his skin color. what's funny is that he looks white but is actually multiracial - mostly puerto rican and a mish mash of every european race. a large chunk of his childhood was spent with the puerto rican side of his family since he was raised in a single parent home by his father. i am always reminded of a story he told me about an argument he had with a female latino activist about a hot latino issue and she actually said, "and what do you know about being latino?" and again i ask, "who the f*ck died and made you the boss?"
look, not every asian woman that dates or marries a white man hates or dislikes dating or marrying an asian man. do those women exist? without a doubt. but conversely aren't sellout haters doing a disservice to all asians and dividing young asian males and females by a) stereotyping what a "politically correct and proper" asian woman should be b) painting those women who date or marry white as "anti-asian" women? and logically wouldn't that imply that bi-racial childen of such marriages are less valuable and have less to contribute than full blooded asian children? does that mean that full blooded asians the only ones allowed the right to fight for asian causes?
asian women and asian men need to put this issue to bed and just agree to disagree. we need to own up and learn from the mistakes and triumphs of our past as well as the best and worst of our asian role models. we need to re-group and resume fighting the myriad of more important battles - TOGETHER.
our common enemy is racism and sexism fueled by the racist, chauvanistic media that perpetuates the stereotypes - specifically, the perennial asian foreigner, the emasculated asian man and the exotic oversexualized asian woman. if studies show that the largest group benefitting from affirmative action is white women. i think it's time that we all get a clue. fighting against each other is what's short sighted and detrimental to asian americans as a group. it's preventing us from actually moving forward - instead, we're getting nowhere. let's get somewhere together, anywhere but where we currently are - going round and round in circles.
so, i watched the oscars on sunday night like most of snowbound america. i was really happy to see sandra oh in the audience looking quite lovely in her red ballgown. the first time i saw sandra oh was in a film called "double happiness". when i saw the movie, i had just graduated from art school and was struggling to prove to my parents that i hadn't made a mistake. i just couldn't disappoint them after they finally "allowed" me to pursue a career in the arts. so, the conflicted character she portrayed (a young asian woman pursuing a dream to become an actor w/o the approval of her parents) was very inspiring to me. since then, i've enjoyed her performances in the cable tv series "arli$$" and the movies "the red violin" ,"the princess diaries" and "under the tuscan sun".
anyway, she's in the movie "sideways" which was directed by her husband alexander payne. the film was nominated for five academy awards and actually won for adapted screenplay. (because i am lame and a slave to an extremely busy two year old, i have not yet seen this movie or most of the movies nominated for oscars this year.)
when the winner of the oscar was announced, the camera zoomed over to a joyous, beaming sandra hugging her husband and i just knew that the asian female sellout/race traitor haters would be rolling their eyes over sandra oh's "cracker" husband winning an academy award and mumbling that she got the part like all other actresses do - by sleeping with the director. and that thought made me sick to my stomach.
so, i'm curious and a glutton for punishment. i did a little googling and i learned, on different asian message forums, that me, sandra oh and all the women below have a few things in common a) we're female b) we're asian c) we're "sleeping with the enemy" d) we're sellouts, self haters and race traitors.
iris chang
juju chang
elaine chao
julie chen
connie chung
margaret cho
terry hong
andrea jung
maxine hong kingston
maya lin
michelle malkin
yuka sato
amy tan
kristi yamaguchi
jessica yu
oh yeah, we're also short sighted hypocrites too. you see, i may take the initiative to speak out against oppresion, protest racism and sexism, cultivate consciousness among other asian men & women, and blast asian stereotypes but if i'm married to "whitey" - i'm not helping "the cause". i'm not practicing what i preach. because i married a white man, i am biased and supporting white male dominance. i am perpetuating the vicious characterizion of asian men being undesirable and weak.
so, someone enlighten me, what IS "the cause" really? 'cause the way this issue has lit a fire under the *ss of almost every asian activist or pseudo activist, you'd think it was a communist state directive calling for the re-education of asian women of dating age.
do you want to put asian women in a different gilded cage than they're already in? do you want to make an asian woman feel even more responsible for the asian race than she already biologically, physically, intellectually and emotionally does? and why are my experiences and my involvement in the cause suddenly meaningless simply by my marriage to a white male. and how is that implication or conclusion any less demeaning that being connected to suzie wong, geisha girls, china dolls, bound feet, "me so horny" or "f*cky-sucky"? please clarify if my exsistence will always be tied to the one that i am attached to? if that's the case, i may as well be f*cking mormon (no offense intended to any mormons). and can someone tell me who the f*ck died and made all these other hateful male and female f*cktards the decisionmakers, outlining all the correct protocols for being pro-asian? it's to those people i ask the simple question - if you truly love your "asian sisters" why does your love come with conditions? pot? kettle? who's biased now? who's labeling who?
from my vantage point, society is ruled by a white patriarchy. newsflash! we live in f*cking america.
is it a perfect world? does a perfect world exist anywhere? does any one class or race hold a monopoly on being impoverished or chauvanistic or imperialistic? last time i checked, F*CK NO.
is this country better for some and not for others?
is there room for improvement? H*LL YES.
let's look at the news in asia shall we? let's see - asians are being tortured or brutally murdered at the hands of asian terrorist extremists. some asians are living desperately in deplorable conditions without all the things that we take for granted here - food, water, shelter, education while blocks away other asians are living in absolute luxury. whole islands and people were swept away by a tsunami and others were swallowed whole by massive earthquakes and mud slides. countries are ripped to shreds by abject poverty and rampant corruption. so why the f*ck are we even remotely focused on this dating issue? why is a minute of thought or energy wasted on who someone is dating and then, summarily kicking that person to the curb instead of getting off our collective *sses and re-focusing our attention to where it is truly needed?
my feeling is it's nobody's business why asian women date who they date. if the f*cking KKK can exist in the same century the my child lives in, do you really think i give a f*cking rat's *ss who a woman decides to date or marry? every woman has a preference just like every man. and why is it no sellout hater ever brings up the fact that some asian men date/marry white women exclusively?
to assume that asian women don't date asian men only because she's bought into the asian male misogynistic stereotype and feels she'll be treated like property is ridiculous. i'm sure it happens but frankly, if she does, she needs better role models and an education - not a man and certainly not to be demonized as a self hater or a race traitor. honestly, i don't think any modern urban woman feels like she should or could be owned by anyone - male or female - white or poc. additionally, i don't think any woman is free from sexism in this day and age. but to assume any woman's accomplishments are due only to the benevolence of a man is not only insulting, it's illogical. a woman's accomplishments are the fruits of her own labors, blood, sweat and tears. but a person's accomplishments are not the only things that define him/her. people are duty bound to many people and many dreams - i think it's masochistic to perceive and project one's self in just one way and still attempt a balance. i don't believe anyone is that simple.
my parents taught me that to successfully navigate this country or this life, the bottom line is if you think you're owned, you're owned, if you think you're trapped, you're trapped and it's your own damn fault. they should know. they were brought up in a country that has been colonized by almost every industrialized nation in the world. today, the philippines is characterized by others as "the sick man of asia" and a social catastrophe. the idea that they were less valuable than the people who "owned" them was drilled into their heads every minute of every day. but, my parents escaped that mindset and are successful. did they have to leave the philippines to do it. maybe yes, maybe no. but they don't see the philippines as a lost cause. my father loved it so much that he returned there and lives there now. my parents don't see themselves as the failed experiments of imperialist colonizers. they see themselves as success stories. could they stand to win a lottery? sure. couldn't you? were they fully accepted by mainstream america? hardly. are they happy? yes.
i guess my point is they are educated, successful and happy because they were taught and told that they could never be successful and even if they managed to be successful - they wouldn't survive. to which they resolutely responded, "f*ck you". they were challenged with different obstacles all of their lives and overcame them. they gave their children the tools we needed to do the same. i don't credit asia or asians or being asian or anything american with my happiness because i'm wholly aware that my parents are at the root of it.
i was lucky to have a very strong male and female role model. they were who they were and never apologized for it or hid from their true natures. they burned inefficient bridges wherever and whenever they appeared. they are very individual people. i remember being so conscious of how outrageous and honest and visibly vocal my parents were. everday, my parents shattered any illusions or goals i might've had of being a model minority and stopped me from fashioning a cage of my own making. so, for someone to call me a sellout, race traitor or a self hater is an insult to my parents and family as well as to me.
for the record, there wasn't a large asian male population for me to choose a mate from. growing up in my neighborhood, there were two asian boys and six asian girls. yes, i was attracted to both and both of them were attracted to every other girl but me (but, again - i am the circus freak - that was true for all boys, not just the asian ones). in my high school class, there were four asian boys. they also dated everyone except me.
to date, of all those asian boys i knew - one is gay, one is still a bachelor who only dates asian women and four married white women. i didn't keep in touch with the asian girls i went to primary or secondary school with but of the 14 asian girlfriends i have now, 4 are married to asian or other poc males, 4 are married to white males, 2 prefer to only date asian males and 3 have no preference and date males of all races.
in art school, i didn't have any asian male classmates. and despite the lack of asian men and vast wasteland of any asians in the media, i was ALWAYS attracted to asian men first but was open to dating men of all races.
in the end, i married my husband for many reasons, the least of which was his skin color. what's funny is that he looks white but is actually multiracial - mostly puerto rican and a mish mash of every european race. a large chunk of his childhood was spent with the puerto rican side of his family since he was raised in a single parent home by his father. i am always reminded of a story he told me about an argument he had with a female latino activist about a hot latino issue and she actually said, "and what do you know about being latino?" and again i ask, "who the f*ck died and made you the boss?"
look, not every asian woman that dates or marries a white man hates or dislikes dating or marrying an asian man. do those women exist? without a doubt. but conversely aren't sellout haters doing a disservice to all asians and dividing young asian males and females by a) stereotyping what a "politically correct and proper" asian woman should be b) painting those women who date or marry white as "anti-asian" women? and logically wouldn't that imply that bi-racial childen of such marriages are less valuable and have less to contribute than full blooded asian children? does that mean that full blooded asians the only ones allowed the right to fight for asian causes?
asian women and asian men need to put this issue to bed and just agree to disagree. we need to own up and learn from the mistakes and triumphs of our past as well as the best and worst of our asian role models. we need to re-group and resume fighting the myriad of more important battles - TOGETHER.
our common enemy is racism and sexism fueled by the racist, chauvanistic media that perpetuates the stereotypes - specifically, the perennial asian foreigner, the emasculated asian man and the exotic oversexualized asian woman. if studies show that the largest group benefitting from affirmative action is white women. i think it's time that we all get a clue. fighting against each other is what's short sighted and detrimental to asian americans as a group. it's preventing us from actually moving forward - instead, we're getting nowhere. let's get somewhere together, anywhere but where we currently are - going round and round in circles.
Sunday, March 06, 2005
happy birthday to me!
i share my birthday with michelangelo, cyrano de bergerac, elizabeth barrett browning, lou costello, ed mcmahon, allen greenspan, wes montgomery, gabriel garcia marquez, kiri te kanawa, rob reiner and shaquille o'neal.
geebus... i need to get my act together... must fill big shoes.
i share my birthday with michelangelo, cyrano de bergerac, elizabeth barrett browning, lou costello, ed mcmahon, allen greenspan, wes montgomery, gabriel garcia marquez, kiri te kanawa, rob reiner and shaquille o'neal.
geebus... i need to get my act together... must fill big shoes.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
happy birthday paloma!!!
YAY!!! she's officially a terrible two
paloma shares her birthday with alexander graham bell, jean harlow, robyn hitchcock, miranda richardson, jackie joyner-kersey, and tone-loc.
so happy birthday to all o' yous too. especially tone-loc, you, wild thing....
today in japan, they are celebrating "girl's day" or hinamatsuri.
wait. hmmm, maybe it was yesterday... i always forget the time difference.
i know this because last year, paloma and i spent the day at the shedd aquarium (what else do a pair of pisces do to celebrate birthdays but hang out with the fish). there were some japanese tourists at the aquarium who thought paloma was the cutest thing since... well, what ISN'T cute in japan?! anyway, they wanted to know how old she was and i told them "one". and they got all hella excited because apparently it's good luck for a girl to be born on "girl's day".
anyhoo... best wishes for the happiest of birthdays, baby grrrl...
YAY!!! she's officially a terrible two
paloma shares her birthday with alexander graham bell, jean harlow, robyn hitchcock, miranda richardson, jackie joyner-kersey, and tone-loc.
so happy birthday to all o' yous too. especially tone-loc, you, wild thing....
today in japan, they are celebrating "girl's day" or hinamatsuri.
wait. hmmm, maybe it was yesterday... i always forget the time difference.
i know this because last year, paloma and i spent the day at the shedd aquarium (what else do a pair of pisces do to celebrate birthdays but hang out with the fish). there were some japanese tourists at the aquarium who thought paloma was the cutest thing since... well, what ISN'T cute in japan?! anyway, they wanted to know how old she was and i told them "one". and they got all hella excited because apparently it's good luck for a girl to be born on "girl's day".
anyhoo... best wishes for the happiest of birthdays, baby grrrl...
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
my favorite way to learn about history...
so, i've never been a good history student. wait. that's not totally true. my sophomore year i had mr. harper. i remember that he was a really good teacher but i was failing his class. he asked me stay after class one day and we talked about what was going wrong. i realized i was just too afraid to learn history. i really didn't think i could handle the specifics of it - the dates, the events and their consequences, etc. but, because he took the time out to talk to me (and it was a pretty harsh reality check) and believed in my potential, i was encouraged. i received As or Bs the rest of that year.
but anyway, i was thinking about african american history month (february) and womens history month (march) and how i've never been a very good student of history (bad mamazilla bad) and should be more proactive in seeking out and re-learning history. which led me to think of when i was happiest learning about history 1) mr. harper 2) the soul train scrabble board.
ah, soul train. during childhood, every sunday, after church, you could find me glazed and slackjawed watching those shiny dancers feeling that funky music under the blinking lights of *S*O*U*L* *T*R*A*I*N* with "your host, don cornelius". those were good times. and yes, i was the scrawny, weird looking asian kid lipsyncing & dancing to earth, wind and fire on her moms furry, day-glo, orange sectional. if you were a soul train watcher too you would remember that and about halfway through the show, they'd haul out this magnetic board with a jumble of magnetized letters on it. don cornelius would give the dancers their clue, the music would start again and they would resume groovin' to the music while solving the puzzle...
so, i propose an idea - a la michele. here is the mamazilla version of the soul train scrabble board. i offer you three clues, you solve them and you (meaning the handful of awesome people that read this humble blog) offer another or two or three and so on and so on (and yes, the links are the answers). happy history!
1) she invented a device that assists amputees with the most difficult task of eating by themselves.
TOESNBEUSLIB
2) she became the first african female astronaut.
NIJMOESEMA
3) she became the first and the only known female buffalo soldier.
SIIAAMLHAYLTWC
so, i've never been a good history student. wait. that's not totally true. my sophomore year i had mr. harper. i remember that he was a really good teacher but i was failing his class. he asked me stay after class one day and we talked about what was going wrong. i realized i was just too afraid to learn history. i really didn't think i could handle the specifics of it - the dates, the events and their consequences, etc. but, because he took the time out to talk to me (and it was a pretty harsh reality check) and believed in my potential, i was encouraged. i received As or Bs the rest of that year.
but anyway, i was thinking about african american history month (february) and womens history month (march) and how i've never been a very good student of history (bad mamazilla bad) and should be more proactive in seeking out and re-learning history. which led me to think of when i was happiest learning about history 1) mr. harper 2) the soul train scrabble board.
ah, soul train. during childhood, every sunday, after church, you could find me glazed and slackjawed watching those shiny dancers feeling that funky music under the blinking lights of *S*O*U*L* *T*R*A*I*N* with "your host, don cornelius". those were good times. and yes, i was the scrawny, weird looking asian kid lipsyncing & dancing to earth, wind and fire on her moms furry, day-glo, orange sectional. if you were a soul train watcher too you would remember that and about halfway through the show, they'd haul out this magnetic board with a jumble of magnetized letters on it. don cornelius would give the dancers their clue, the music would start again and they would resume groovin' to the music while solving the puzzle...
so, i propose an idea - a la michele. here is the mamazilla version of the soul train scrabble board. i offer you three clues, you solve them and you (meaning the handful of awesome people that read this humble blog) offer another or two or three and so on and so on (and yes, the links are the answers). happy history!
1) she invented a device that assists amputees with the most difficult task of eating by themselves.
TOESNBEUSLIB
2) she became the first african female astronaut.
NIJMOESEMA
3) she became the first and the only known female buffalo soldier.
SIIAAMLHAYLTWC
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
dear straight man in long term monogamous relationship,
if your female significant other asks you to buy any of these products:
panty liners or pads
tampons
a lady shaver
ladies deodorant
azo standard
monistat 7
chick flicks
don't trip on it.
don't think about it.
just do it.
you're not the first guy to be saddled with this and you won't be the last. there's even a chance that your significant other will actually give birth to your child - a boy maybe - who will probably be asked to do the same thing in the future.
so, suck it up. you can always pick up a playboy or a penthouse or a maxim on the way to the register and hide the aforementioned items.
many thanks,
mamazilla
panty liners or pads
tampons
a lady shaver
ladies deodorant
azo standard
monistat 7
chick flicks
don't trip on it.
don't think about it.
just do it.
you're not the first guy to be saddled with this and you won't be the last. there's even a chance that your significant other will actually give birth to your child - a boy maybe - who will probably be asked to do the same thing in the future.
so, suck it up. you can always pick up a playboy or a penthouse or a maxim on the way to the register and hide the aforementioned items.
many thanks,
mamazilla
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