phoenix

i've been listening to aimee mann's "@#%&*! Smilers" and her song, phoenix, has been on my mind a lot... sometimes, i actually skip it... so i think maybe it's just a sign for me to write it... out? off? away?

anyway, the lyrics remind me (and probably everyone else) of a former flame - mine was a fine, young man from arizona. we were together for a few years... here in chicago and later, in san francisco. (BTM - before thin man.)

we met as mutual friends/parts of an artsy circle from college - film folks who worked with costume folks who talked shop with fashion design folks, etc... we drank. we dated. we threw caution to the wind and moved in together too fast...

but, i firmly believe we really and truly loved. i have such lovely memories of reading books together under blankets and hats in our apartment with no working heater... collaborating on work - my words/poetry, my body swipe, even the apartment made appearances in his short ambient films... al fresco picnics on blankets... a lot of sunny laughter and music... even the dark days when there was a small death... with day after night of regret and despair.... contemplating marriage and babies and cats... so much discovery and wonder and heavy thinking... and saying i love you and meaning it...

i moved to san francisco first... for work. there was even a teary "frank capraesque" see ya later at a train station platform and everything...

and our plan was for him to come out when he graduated.... which he did. and then a few months later, he decided to move to los angeles... for work. there was a teary goodbye... and then he actually came back after only a few minutes away, crying... saying he couldn't leave... it was very cameron crowe... it was hard for me to let go too.

but i got him to leave and then, we blundered our way thru a breakup... slowly... and over a handful of awkward long distance phonecalls...

and this is where aimee mann reminds me:

"i don't want to abandon you,
but baby i've had my fill....

and if you get the chance again...
i know you'd do the best you can.
but baby love doesn't change anything at all.
i know love doesn't change a thing"

'cause what neither of us was ready to accept, even though it was painfully evident - was that we were over. that we were headed in different directions. that the love was still there, but love wasn't going to change where our lives were taking us...

looking back now, i'm glad we met. and loved. and lost each other at last.