love thy neighbor...

the next time you see someone wearing a sweater inside out AND backwards*, please let him/her know immediately. it's a good thing. thanks.

*not that this happened to me or anything... just saying...

nutrition facts

so, something's been really bothering me lately...

if i came with a nutrition facts label i think it would go something like this:

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1920 oz
Serving per Container 1

Ingredients
Oxygen (65%)
Carbon (18%)
Hydrogen (10%)
Nitrogen (3%)
Calcium (1.5%)
Phosphorus (1.0%)
Potassium (0.35%)
Sulfur (0.25%)
Sodium (0.15%)
Magnesium (0.05%)
Copper, Zinc, Selenium, Molybdenum, Fluorine, Chlorine, Iodine, Manganese, Cobalt, Iron (0.70%)
Lithium, Strontium, Aluminum, Silicon, Lead, Vanadium, Arsenic, Bromine (trace amounts)

Best Before - MAR2072


see, the thing is... i'm realizing lately that i'm not easily labeled (probably due to my speedy, twinkle toed, label dodging) but on occassion, i realize i have been *sniffle* labeled.

i get the impression that i'm not liberal enough for "the liberals" nor conservative enough for "the conservatives"; not filipino enough for "the filipinos", nor american enough for "the americans"; not pro-life enough for "the pro-lifers" nor pro-choice enough for "the pro-choicers"; not artistic enough for "the artists" nor intellectual enough for "the intellectuals"; not catholic enough for "the catholics" nor tolerant enough for "the ?-theists"; not disfigured enough for "the disfigured" nor symetrical enough for "the symetrical"....

really, i don't want to be a part of a self titled group. (i'd even say i'm crowd phobic but i'm not going to insult the agoraphobics out there.) i can promise that my views may change, i'm only a mere human in possession of a faulty brain. and i realize that may make some people uncomfortable, skeptical even, but i hope that doesn't discourage you from staying a while - i may bore you to tears but i won't sell you tupperware. (flowbee, ginsu knives, mr. microphone, a variety of tv products perhaps, but no tupperware - the burping is just dreadful...)

hopefully, we'll engage in some of that archaic obsolete conversation i keep reading about...

hmmm, any tips on making this soapbox into a derby car? please & thank you?

get your free ham milkshakes! anyone!? anyone!? bueller!? bueller!?

how cute is my doorstop?!
check out my tuff lil doorstop mouse! that's right yoda, don't let the door hit ya on the way out... there's a new jedi mastuh...

which reminds me... we have ruffneck squirrels in my hood. i'm convinced it's a southside thing.

a few months back, kidzilla and i were out for a walk and i saw a squirrel get run over by a car. not only was it run over but it was
s k i d ded on. we're talking SCreeeeeeCH - as in longjohn on the vertebrae.

there was that split second of horrified realization - *gasp* "ohmygodthatpoorinnocentlittlecreaturejustgothitbyaspeedingcar"

and then the furry little punk actually got up, bounded into the neighbors yard and dug up some nuts. it had NUTS APLENTY if ya ask me...

there's another squirrel (then again maybe it's the same one) who's been terrorizing a neighbor. apparently, it' s grown quite fond of the neighbor's house and likes to hang there, literally, by it's nails, on the window screens. well, the neighbor thinks, "if i bang on the window, it'll go away." well, not only does the squirrel not go away - it urinates on the screen while hanging from it.

so, don't mess with squirrels on the south side of chicago - i'm just saying... also, more squirrelly wrath and hilarity can be found here.

anyway, i'm still recovering from christmas but i thought i should come out from under my couch to say "hi". i trust your holiday was happy - whichever holiday you chose to celebrate.

it was very odd to spend christmas eve at my aunt's house and say "merry christmas" audibly without fear of offending anyone in the room... then again, i probably offended all of my filipino relatives by saying "merry christmas" instead of "maligayang pasko".

hmm, yeah, that'll put me in therapy for a while....

suffice to say, christmas eve was lovely. my extended family rocks. christmas morning, kidzilla roared with delight at her red retro trike. she's still throwing it around willy-nilly. hasn't quite figured out the whole "ride-on" feature...

my christmas lunch went off without a hitch. the masses were sated. but of course, we have enough ham to sustain us through a nuclear winter. which is absolute gluttony because we already had two cats for that... mmm, cat - the other OTHER white meat.

...average everyday domesticated circus freak...

the red retro radio flyer trike...


see this? i put it together last night for my lil monster... *patting back, patting back, breaking arm* (it's not done yet - radio flyer sent me a defective pc. but, it'll be complete on friday...) i may still get her a pink big wheel - this is just her sunday driving vehicle....

...and this among many other things is why i am now - a domesticated circus freak...

further evidence:

a) wears a "uniform" - printed flannel pajamas, &/or sesame street underwear. (today? oscar.)
b) dances the hokey pokey, chicken dance and a variety of 80s club dance forms to entertain child and the random neighbor/skilled tradesman.
c) researches info online re: the range of dutch ovens and gratin pans that offer the best results for stews and gratin dauphinois. ("your what hurts? dolphins and potatoes?! wtf!?" my friend, E, IM'd...)
d) walks around neighborhood shops in search of a mandoline and a cheap set of 16 pc stonewear in -6 windchill.
e) is overjoyed to receive these early christmas presents: a ham and a doorstop
f) loses sleep over what to get the mail carrier for christmas

anyhoo, i have to go & flip on the christmas lights... (and for the record, whoever the f*cking joneses were, i hate 'em! probably started the whole salem witch trials for all i know, or came over with thyphoid on a boat, overachieving b*stards... )

dec 8, 1980...

let's see in december of 1980, i was eight years old... which means i was in the third grade and oh yes, sorta in between grades - it was around the time that i had gotten promoted and was trying my best to fail miserably in every class i had.

promoting someone like me to the next academic grade level in 1980 was like dressing me up in a crisp bonnet, starched blouse and voluminous skirts and sentencing me to a colonial stockade while still in the year 1980.

first of all, i was born with something called cystic hygroma - the mothership of all facial deformities - imho. second, i was one of two filipino girls (not the pretty one) in my public grade school of mostly underprivileged white and latino kids.

i should preface this by saying i love my mom. she is my hero. i can't imagine landing in a foreign country and not really knowing the country's language perfectly, then shortly thereafter, giving birth in the same country and raising a child alone - who's also sick and a girl.

my handful of years spent at avondale elementary on chicago's nw side were difficult. i remember wanting to fit in so badly, wanting to be accepted, etc. i remember wanting the right clothes and a lunchbox like all the other kids. my mom was very cognizant of my "needs" and did the best she could.

most of my clothes came from the thrift store or rummage/garage sales. (they still do. it's where my obsession for all things ebay/thrift comes from.) i asked my mom, "can you buy me garanimals clothes from a store?" my mom responded, "what are garanimals?" i replied, "they're clothes that you match up by the animals on the tags." i have to mention here that i really had NO idea what garanimals were, i got the idea, i'd heard the explanation, but i really didn't know. my mom asked "the top and the bottom match?" it was looking promising... i said "yes". and that was when i started wearing second hand pajamas to school.

wait. it gets better...

re: the lunchbox... even in the ghetto, kids had a requisite lunchbox decorated with their favorite 70s cartoon character. everyone except me. so, again, i asked my mom, "can you buy me a lunch box from a store?" my mom replied, "what's a lunchbox?" i offered, "it's a box that you put your lunch in." and she returned, "oh, sure, i can do that." and that was when i started bringing a large porcelain sugarbowl (w/ a rubberband around it to clasp it shut) to school.

here's an idea: let's promote the freaky looking, asian girl brainiac who wears pajamas and brings a rubberbanded porcelain sugarbowl (filled with rice, banana chips and prunes) to school.

i'll never forget walking into my first class as a promoted student. it was absolutely terrifying. everyone was SO much bigger than me in MY class - but they were G I A N T S in this new one. i failed every test i got and did everything i could to be put back in my class - which they did.

but, the damage was done. the legend of my historic rule as school freak was wrought - i was the standard to which all future freaks would be measured.

y'know... i was originally going to wax poetic about how yoko ono and john lennon helped to perpetuate the stereotype of the asian female/white male couple. and in doing so, how their relationship haunts my own "sellout" existence with my "white" husband and my "mongrel" child. but that's a post for another day....

today, i'll remember sitting in the dark next to my mom. she was sipping some red wine with ice and then offered me a sample sip too. her face was lit up by the gray blue fuzz of the tv and the tears were streaming down her face as the details of lennon's death were broadcast. no sounds, just tears.

today, i'll be listening to some lennon in remembrance of the other man that made my mom cry.

stuffed animal fornication

i think everyone should have a retail job during the winter holiday season sometime in their too short lives. my theory is that after every person gets the sh*t kicked out of him/her by the blood-thirsty, holiday reduction obsessed hoi polloi, s/he gains a little perspective and the world becomes a much better, calmer, happier place.

while in college, i worked for one of the oldest and most respected toy stores in the world.

yes. that one.

and except for the theme song (which by the way, when you get the job, they tell you that you hear it while you sleep for a few days and they are not kidding), it was one of the best jobs of my life.

ok, so the actual working hours weren't all that much fun admittedly. the constant questions:

"do you have *insert brand name of toy, vague description, ancient year of issue, random series #, limited edition nightmare color & useless size*? is it still on sale? it better be because i made a special trip..."

and the complaints:

"this one isn't "fresh" (said while holding aforementioned inanimate toy at arm's length). can you get another one from stock? and you people can't wrap. just let me do it."

from duty bound parents and their overstimulated kids.

and kids, if there's a lesson to be learned, it's this - you never, never, ever, ever, ever want to piss off an overworked, underpaid grunt in the retail regiment - especially IN their place of employment. and it doesn't matter if the irrefutable question and/or grotesque complaint is regurgitated out of the mouth of an obscenely rich, beautiful and famous person or a regular, obscenely rich, beautiful joe. winona, take notes.

anyway, after closing, the click of the lock left us refreshed and renewed - we'd begin to work dilligently to clean & to get our specified areas straightened so we could go home. but, there was something dark and primitive deep inside of us, working its way up to our shiny vulnerable surfaces and one thing would lead to another and we'd be blaring blatantly anti-oompaloompa music, engaging in sanguinary nerf bow & arrow wars, late nite b-movie gak theatre, painfully slow demolition derby and then we'd dive to our most plebian and utterly base depths - the stuffed animal orgy.

oh, the horror, the corruption!!! *fade to black*

well, the poor defenseless, decaffeinated morning crew would arrive thru the rear entrance. in the back office, they'd put their things away in their cubbies, sip their coffee, nibble on a croissant, chit chat and finally, they'd enter the store and begin the routine of morning duties.

and then, you'd hear it, the collective gasp (and hysterical laughter) as the dimmer knobs were turned and our night shift masterpiece revealed - our cute and cuddly visual aids to the world of sexual slang - it was "puddles" buffing the beaver with "bixby", "chaplin" spanking the cat with "spencer", "madge" bumping fuzzies with "melvin", "patrick" doing it doggy style with "bootsie", "felix" feeding the kitty with "dreyfus", "biscuits" givin' the "george" a banana, "ozzie" riding "chuck", the pony - all of these and more would be on brazenfaced display in the licentious stuffed animal section.

it. was. anarchy. (oh, c'mon, like ANYONE would have noticed...)


wow. hmm, it's like i need a ciggy now....

so, ya like quizzes, do ya?

i notice that when i'm surfing thru blogs (via BE or that handy "next blog" button on blogger) that when bloggers get blocked they turn to quizzes for some help. so, here i am - blocked - turning to a quiz for some left brain lube...

and according to this quiz "i am a modern day idiot".

below are some sample questions from an 1885 admissions examination to jersey city high school: (i stole the quiz from "how i accidentally joined the vast right wing conspiracy (and found inner peace)" by harry stein.)


algebra (on second thought. let's skip this part - i can't type this stuff out.... if you REALLY want the questions. feel free to email me.)

geography

1. name four principal ranges of mountains in asia, three in europe and three in africa.

2. name the states on the west bank of the mississippi, and the capital of each.

u.s. history

3. what event do you connect with with 1565, 1607, 1620, 1664, 1775?

4. what caused the mexican war? what was the result? what american general commanded at the capture of the city of mexico?

grammar

5. write a sentence containing a noun used as an attribute, a verb in the perfect tense potential mood, and a proper adjective.

6. write the declension of (a) bird, (b) man, (c) fly, (d) fox, (e) it.

7. make three sentences, using the plural of sheep (a) in the nominative case, (b) in the possessive, (c) in the objective.


ANSWERS

1. himalayas, urals, hindu kush and khangal; alps, carpathians and pyrenees; atlas, drakenberg and ethiopian highlands

2. louisiana (baton rouge); arkansas (little rock); missouri (jefferson city);iowa (des moines); and minnesota (st. paul)

3. 1565 - pedro menendez de aviles founded st. augustine, fl. 1607 - jamestown settled., 1620-103 pilgrims landed at plymouth rock. 1664-british seized new netherland from the dutch. 1775-battles of lexington and concord.

4. manifest destiny, diplomatic blundering and instability of american government;california, new mexico and arizona became part of us and texas border was established at rio grande; zachary taylor.

5. my expertise tells me that i am going to fail this english test, since i'm guessing a lot.

6. (a) bird, birds (b) man, men (c) fly, flies (d) it, its

7. (a) the sheep are in the meadow. (b) the sheep's wool was carded (c) we sheared all the sheep.