blue light special

(photo from astrogalaxy )

so, every once in a while, i check to see what's haunting the cyberhalls of eBay.

don't get me wrong supernatural stuff totally FREAKS me out. i'm such a chicken sh*t when it comes to the paranormal. never seen a ghost and don't wanna. EVER. no mysterious lights or orbs or mists....

some of the aca associates actually went to cassadaga, fl to hang with psychics in their spiritualist community. some of them even got readings and reported that they had good futures in store. as far as the future goes, i would like to know the gender of our new baby, but really that's all i want to know.

so, just in case you want to own a haunting or maybe you want to help someone who is currently being haunted (out of the goodness of your own heart) - Ebay (of course) has ghosts and hauntings aplenty...

(just wondering, is it really a surprise to anyone that a high percentage of those freaky porcelain dolls are haunted? hello!? FREAKY PORCELAIN DOLLS!!!!???)

haunted rabbit shaped pizza

haunted wooden salad bowl

haunted cast iron fritter tray

haunted guitar and song of death

haunted baby monitor

haunted full size flat sheet


oooo! i would however totally bid on this cat or this puppy and happily give them homes!
(hat tip to abroad at home for the cat story.)

Happy Fathers Day!

it just occurred to me that father's day may in fact be a "hallmark holiday", unlike christmas and ramadan, i'm not sure that the philippines actually recognizes father's day as one of its holidays... hmmm... well, i live here and i have a father. so there. happy father's day, papa!

yes, i call my father, papa. i was taught very early on that that was the only (other) appropriate title to address him. "never call me, 'dad'" he said, matter of factly, to his three year old daughter.

this is my favorite picture of me and papa. it's one of a handful that i have. it's true that most of my life was spent with my mother in the states, but i remember how often he did come to visit and that a lot of the time he was behind the camera. i was thinking maybe it's actually because of my father that i spend so much time behind the camera instead of in front it rather than the obvious reason. something to ponder i suppose...

i think the other reason i don't have as many pictures is because one summer when my mother was feeling particularly empowered and pissed off, she actually threw whole photo albums into the trash - their wedding album and the early albums when the family was still fresh and together. she also managed to throw out most of my stuff that i had left in the basement for storage. jeebus, she was PISSED. anyway, a friend of mine from the old hood called to let me know that he saw one of my easels and an old portfolio leaning next to the trash cans. so, i ran over there. the easel was gone and i found the large mound of my life's memories had been picked thru by a dumpster diver or two. but, i managed to come away with the wedding album and some of the pictures including the one above.

the picture was snapped on one of my early trips to the philippines. on the back of the picture my father wrote, "taken during her departure, january 11, 1977." i'm pretty sure this was one of those years where my father would coax me into saying stuff like "mommy, i love the philippines and i want to stay." into a long distance phone call to her, his desperate attempt to guilt trip my mother into returning to the islands. didn't work, obviously....

but, despite all that weirdness between my parents. i managed to eek out memories with each of them. to my father, i owe my lifelong appreciation of simplicity, practicality and efficiency.

because of my father, i can gracefully cast a fishing line off the perimeters of a pond and i will always feed popcorn to the fish at starved rock state park. i can make a pretty good avocado shakes and i know how to pick & cut a mango. he bought me my first ube ice cream at the magnolia ice cream parlor in manila. he taught me how to ride a horse in baguio city and rode under the waterfalls with me at pagsanjan falls. at the beach, he didn't teach me how to swim, but he swam me out to a big rock in the middle of the sea and we watched the sun set while enormous dragonflies buzzed into and out of our field of vision.

i will always think of my father playing guitar and humming when he thought no one was watching. i have his eyes and lips and height and everytime i look down to pause my typing, i see i have his hands. in fact, i can owe writing to my father as well who is a thoughtful and beautiful writer of correspondence.

so, happy father's day, papa. i can't wait to introduce you to your granddaughter and eventually, to your newest grandchild in december.

p.s. of course, this is also a happy father's day greeting to all my friends and family members who are fathers or father figures. i hope you get as good as you give!

to popzilla, the love of my life and the apple of kidzilla's eye. to my uncle doug, who healed bee stings, made the best diaramas and sang like elvis. to my uncle caesar, who drove with his knees. to louis, who got me through high school. to dennis, who got me through art school and that first (devastating) love.

ooo! a potential jessica sighting for you SFers!

just saw this on technorati.com (while searching aimlessly for folks)

Saturday, June 18, 2005 - 12-5pm FREE Join us for a day long block party celebration of Intersection's 40th Anniversary on Valencia Street featuring live music and performance, food, drink and activities for all ages. Join us as we honor the thousands of people in our community who have touched Intersection in the past four decades. This day features dozens of artists from over the years through today, including Jessica Hagedorn, Ntozake Shange, ESP Project, Jimmy Santiago Baca, Marcus Shelby Trio, Robert Moses, Felonious, Peter Plate, Howard Wiley, devorah major, Youth Speaks, Keith Hennessy, Leslie Scalapino, Latin Youth Jazz Ensemble, Denis Johnson, Fresh Meat, Arundo, Kitchen Sink, Bantercut Strategy, WritersCorps, Suspect Thoughts, Ellen Sebastian Chang, Beth Lisick and many many more.

http://www.theintersection.org/calendar/program_jazz.php

this time last year....

i was filling and taping up moving boxes and getting ready for our big move from our cool, hip, urban loft to our not so hip, but beautiful home. i was doing this with a 16mo toddler and a busy body cat - both insisted on getting in the boxes marked fragile. :)

today, i was packing and taping up all the christmas decorations (they were put away in the basement, just not packed up & taped shut). the toddler is now 2y 3mo old and napping away. the cat is still trying to get in the box and eat the infidel tinsel. and i'm 14 weeks pregnant.

i can finally tell everybody. :) no, we don't know the gender but, we would like a boy - a healthy baby overall. kidzilla seems relatively aware of impending babyhood since she will say things like "i'm the big sister" or she will point to the smallish swell of my belly and say "baby". we went to my midwife visit and when she heard the heartbeat kidzilla looked up to me, puzzled and said "mommy? choo choo?"

so, as you can imagine the residency was difficult because i was having fatigue and morning sickness issues, but they seem to be falling away... slowly but surely... see, leave it to me to come up with some lame *ss excuse... ;)

i realize now that i'm suffering withdrawals from aca. it's been tough. i'm absolutely feening (sp?) i miss everyone, the camraderie, the workshops and even the solitude and the lizards very much. i finally received some emails from other associates and thankfully, it seems we're suffering from the same malady.

i'm slowly getting back into my routine here. the first week was odd. kidzilla had picked up some new habits, which may turn out to be temporary glitches in toddler programming. some things in the house were moved too. so, i was trying to find/re-appropriate them from hiding places, etc... i didn't write at all in the past week, much to my embarassment. i just needed a break. now, i'm ready to start again. i really have to get my studio back in order. i went thru it like a mad woman before i left for florida.

anyway, i wanted to post a reading list that jessica gave to us. also, at the time, she was reading "the royal family" by robert volmann (?) - which i kept stealing glances at, it looks SO good...

so, just in case you were looking for something to read:

Fiction:
selected fictions - jorge luis borges
one hundred years of solitude - gabriel garcia marquez
the autumn of the patriarch - gabriel garcia marquez
disgrace - j.m. coetzee
continental drift - russell banks
rule of the bone - russell banks
the power and the glory - graham greene
bear and his daughter - robert stone
a flag for sunrise - robert stone
dog soldiers - robert stone
interpreter of the maladies - jhumpa lahiri
charlie chan is dead 2 - an anthology of contemporary asian american fiction - jessica hagedorn
the anchor book of new american short stories - ben marcus
yellow - don lee
coming into slaughter - michael ondaatje
the collected works of billy the kid - michael ondaatje
jesus' son - denis johnson
look at me - jenniger egan
drown - junot diaz
kiss of the spiderwoman - manuel puig
folly - sabina murray
aunt julia and the scriptwriter - mario vargas llosa
beloved - toni morrison
yellowback radio broke down - ishmael reed
the mmor's last sigh - salman rushdie
the blind assasin - margaret atwood
three trapped tigers - guillermo cabrera infante
the bridegroom and other stories - ha jin
fake house - linh dinh

Nonfiction:
the gate - francois bizot
we wish to inform you that tomorrow we will be killed with our families - philip gourevitch
running in the family - michael ondaatje
news of a kidnapping - gabriel garcia marquez
seek - denis johnson
the heart that bleeds - anna guillermo prieto

ok, i'm starving. i have to go eat a chair leg or something...

btw - i just looked at david rakowski's website again (because he's one funny dude) and he actually posted a journal entry about the residency. there's pictures at the very end (in the fourth pic from the bottom i was sitting right across from ines (token beautiful argentinian blonde) and felipe (token hunky brazilian). guess i'm not signifigant enough to be pictured, eh, davy? ) click here.

i'm baaaaack!

i'm still recovering from new smyrna beach - physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially...

a) i look like someone with a severe case of chicken pox due to another losing battle with mosquitoes.

b) my brain is so full, it's difficult for me to type without self-flaggellating for not writing more in my first draft... and heaven forbid i even attempt to read something that isn't on my list of things to read that i compiled during my residency... catholic guilt has actually transferred & reached an all time high...

c) i'm so glad i'm home and yet, i eagerly want to prank call my fellow residents or order them pizzas they would never eat.

d) i pray that my credit card bill gets lost in the mail... pray with me...

i did actually write a final journal entry but, it's on my laptop, when i can, i'll post that one too. suffice to say, a first draft was NOT completed as hoped. but, i gained SO much more. thanks to everyone who thought good positive writerly thoughts for me - they came thru loud and clear.

Day 15 - 7:15 p.m. - word count: 21,109 (and yea close to giving up...)

The last few days have been really rough for me. I can’t seem to get out of this funk.

I started writing something else today – a portion of the book that happens later. I think I’ve been trying to write everything as it chronologically happens in the book. I’m being too strict perhaps.

I think it’s also I miss my family so much. I dream about popzilla and kidzilla every night. Sometimes, I get so tired in the writing studio that I go to my room to take a nap and I end up vividly dreaming about them again. I’ve enjoyed my time here immensely and the thought of leaving really depresses me. But, I’m also ready to go home, to be surrounded by the people I love. I especially miss getting and giving unsolicited hugs. :(

It was a very busy weekend here. On Saturday, Ines hosted a party at her beach house (fact – you can lease a beach house (steps from the water, the dolphins, etc) here in New Smyrna for under $600 a month). I didn’t go to the party but the majority of the associates attended and apparently the party went on until the next day. They left here around 4:30 on Saturday and didn’t arrive back here until about that time the next day. You could see it was worth it on everyone’s faces. They all looked so tanned, happy and relaxed.

Sunday, Jessica hosted a dinner for the writers & visual artists and Davy hosted another dinner for the composers. It was a lovely dinner. I helped to crush garlic again. I am an excellent crusher of garlic. I should list it in my resume as one of my hobbies. After dinner, everyone walked over to the theatre to watch the Aquatic Life of Steve Zissou. I was there for the first half hour and then, I turned into a pumpkin. I figure it’s on my netflix queue…

5 days to go… my goal is still to finish the first draft of this book… but I won’t be disappointed or surprised if I don’t accomplish that. What I have completed I’m quite proud of and today I mentioned to Jessica that I feel very humbled when I’m around every body or even one writers associate who compliments my work because I haven’t done any formal academic coursework on the fiction/creative writing. I really just think people are blowing sunshine up my ass. To which she responded with more compliments about my writing and the theory that maybe my poetry background plays a bigger part in my writing than I give it credit for…

Anyhoo. the associates are headed en masse to sing karaoke at a tavern in town tomorrow and then, possibly to watch the film “Crash”. I want to see this movie but not at the expense of singing a song. I can wait for it on netflix. Wednesday, a handful are going to look for alligators in a rented pontoon. One or two of the other master artists is doing their outreach in the area on Thursday or Friday. Then, Saturday, the associates are showing their work at an interdisciplinary show here at ACA – open studios, mini concerts and readings. It’s going to go by so fast…

Day 12 - 7:36 am - word count: 17,860 (crap!)

Yesterday, I got stuck in that writerly way....

So, I did some research and I sorta got unstuck but now I’m sorta just writing aimlessly until I find my way… it’s very uncommitted…

I learned a lot about the 70s though or rather I was reminded of a lot of the 70s which facilitated a few openings and connections for me. It’ll be interesting to see where I go today. Especially since another excerpt is being critiqued in workshop today. (!)

I don’t think I mentioned it earlier but I did bring a few books with me to serve as guides during my residency: John Irving’s Cider House Rules, Zadie Smith’s White Teeth, Ursula Hegi’s Stones from the River and Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex. ACA also has a pretty good library – I picked up Calvino’s Italian Folktales and Geek Love by... ?

I read a bit of these books right before I go to bed and last night I picked up Middlesex and paged through it. That book is fascinating to me. His way of maintaining that first person narrative is provocative and fascinating to me. I want to stay with the narrator, Cal, the whole way through even though I don’t like him all the time and I don’t like his story some of the time…

So, I’m just leafing through and I wonder if there is a small bio about the author at the back of the book. There’s nothing, just the end of the book. But, halfway down I see the words “New Smyrna Beach”. Three of the characters retire to new Smyrna Beach. The narrator informs us earlier that the family were on the run from the Turks in the 20s. They left their small island town by way of a harbor town called Smyrna on a boat headed for America.

I can’t help but wonder if Eugenides did a residency here.

Jessica’s reading was a success yesterday. There was a good sized audience and there were actually some Filipinos who came all the way from Orlando. She read some poetry and then she read from Dream Jungle. We all went out to dinner at this Italian restaurant. I still smell and taste garlic…. Yummmmmm….

Ok, I have to get out of this and write…. Goal for today: at least 20,000 words.

FRACK! I locked myself out of my room!!!!

Day 10 - word count: 16,311 (i know, i'm not done writing today)

I have to write a short post if humanly possibly now… because as I mentioned above… I have more to write.

There have a number of highlights in the past two days…

Two nights ago, we watched Almodovar’s All About My Mother – which absolutely killed me… I ended up having nightmares all night that kidzilla had… well… you’ve probably seen the movie.

The next morning, a handful of associates went to the beach around six am. It was marvelous, truly. The moon was still in the sky and the sun was a small red orange dot. The water looked inviting. I stayed on the beach and just relaxed while everyone else, jogged, biked or swam. There were dolphins swimming pretty close to shore and pelicans swooping over them.

Workshop again was really great. I think Chris had just returned and we read an extended version of something he had read to us earlier. Again, he pretty much blew me away. It was interesting, he has this talent to put you somewhere, in a moment and with this uncanny and quirky precision. It’s very entertaining. His characters are especially entertaining. You want to hang out with them. Stare at them through window when they floss their teeth or choose a book from a shelf. Today, we read the continuation of what we read yesterday – “something he wrote today” he said, “the bastard”, I thought. ;) again, it was amazing.

John also had something for us to read, an excerpt of a short story. It was very different from the excerpt of his book that he read. I admire his ablity to write in different voices. It’s something that I am definitely struggling with. After all the questions that came up, it turned out it would be a better idea if we could read the actual short story – which we did today, where it was summarily decided it should be fleshed out into another novel. (HA!) SO glad, I’m NOT John today! ;)

Dina read a short story she also just completed while here. (everyone is getting something done while I’m freaking out over my measley word count!!!!) It was as Jessica said a tour de force. We all agreed that it was awesome and that she should be sending it out. I can’t imagine what I would do if Jessica said something I wrote was a tour de force. She already said something I wrote was elegant – I almost passed out.

Jessica read an introduction or preface written by Edward Albee about his play, “Three Tall Women.” If I can find it online, I’ll link to it because it really resonated with me. It was about how and why he wrote the play and how/if he was responsible with the memories of his adoptive mother. Albee discussed memory and its use in fiction or playwriting. Very interesting… I’ll do my best to find it tomorrow. If you’re writing anything, I think it will prove useful.

Last night, I went to the movies with Steed, Del and Chris. We saw Revenge of the Sith. I totally need to hang with those guys more often. I really enjoyed the movie first of all. It was the best of the three films by a L O N G shot. I still think Padme and Anikin/Darth Vader were stiff as boards, but the Wookie planet, Obi Wan, Yoda – totally worth the price of admission. Did anyone else notice how the movie started with these amazing special effects and then ended with the original Darth Vader – with the square of LED lights on his chest that looked like a simplified simple simon? BRILLIANT!!! I almost peed in my pants that time…

Ok, I think that’s it. Tomorrow, Jessica is reading at a local library. Oh yeah, the local paper came by and took pictures of us during workshop. If I show up in any (doubtful) I’ll post a pic. I just gave a 20+ page excerpt to everyone to read and hack at for Friday. Wish me Luck.

p.s. I have a fucking mosquito bite on my fucking eyelid. The one place I don’t stick the bug repellent. My Achilles heel turns out to be my fucking eyelid. And word count update: 16,981. I may have to attend the superfun dance party this evening to celebrate… I wish I had a bubble to protect me from the mosquitoes from here to there though.

Day 8 - word count: 11,121 (so embarassed)

So, yeah, yesterday turned out to be another horribly unproductive day… well, writing wise anyway…

I saw that blue tailed lizard again. I have GOT to get my sh*t together and have my camera ready…

Del and I did managed to locate each other in the sprawling compound that is the ACA. So, we made our way to the sacred heart catholic church that’s near here. I wasn’t sure what to expect.

I was reminded of making a pilgrimage of sorts as a child with my mother and a gaggle of grandmothers to a church somewhere in florida known for other similar pilgrimages and miraculous healings… can’t remember the name of it or where it was… such a peculilar summer road trip – my mother and I literally chaperoned a small tour group of my grandmothers friends from Chicago to the southeast coast hitting all these churches that they’d heard granted miracles for some. We ate truck stop food and stayed at seedy motels because my mom had the brilliant idea that we should bring the dog too. I remember when we stayed in towns without truck stops, my mom would break out the rice cooker (yes, she brought the rice cooker) and my grandmother would skillfully make ramen noodles or some other soups or rice dishes. She was quite ingenious.

Anyway, sacred heart church was one of those modern architecture buildings that really hasn’t aged well (imho). However, the congregation itself was large and LOUD. I was having trouble hearing myself sing to be perfectly honest. The priest who delivered the homily was really good. He had a point! Finally, a priest who can deliver a message with a point. After communion, I got all hella sad… I really miss popzilla and kidzilla who are usually beside me in a pew. I have to admit that I dread Sundays usually because kidzilla is still only two and so, acts like a normal, bored, rambunctious two year old at church. I miss my kid. L

Del and I found a big K because he was feeling the need for some diversions, namely magazines. I found a funny little card for Jessica’s birthday which was yesterday. The weird thing about shopping for cards is that in the Birthday for Her section – they had these horrible cards that had to do with getting old and accepting it like – “Good thing grey is your color.” Or “The firemen are standing by to extinguish your cake.” Then, there were the horribly sentimental cards. The ones that said stuff like, “Hope your day is wonderful as you.” I couldn’t find one card that I thought had any value whatsoever. Then I walked over to the Birthday for Him section. That section had the cards with the dead pan humor about partying forever and dying old and happy which actually made sense and the card I bought for Jessica was there. Who knew the greeting industry was so ageist and sexist? (I’m joking)

So, when we got back, I had a meager lunch and ran around looking for signatures for jessica’s card. That took a good chunk of time. Then, I FINALLY (3 pm) went over to the studio to get something done (please refer to lame word count). I went over to Jessica’s around 4:30 to help cook dinner. She’d already started and boy did it smell good while I walked over. YUMMMM!!!

While Jessica and I were manning the stove, Felipe and Smooke actually came by and sang Happy Birthday to Jessica from her deck as she stood at the window. SO CUTE! J I got to do my laundry at Jessica’s. I’m convinced that will be my claim to fame, my singular brush with greatness. What book? ;)

The writing associates started to show up around 6. David Rakowski was hosting a similar party at his cottage so, the two parties were mingling and sharing food. Which was excellent, by the way, we cooked adobo chicken, Spanish rice with pigeon peas, a mixed green salad (that was made by Ines) and for dessert, cantaloupe with dulce de leche (ines, again). The parties started to cottage hop and at one point we all sang happy birthday to Jessica in david’s cottage.
Eventually, the visual artists showed up and by then, I was too tired to continue.

As I walked past Jane’s dark cottage, I thought how different, but I guess expected, the master artists mentor their associates. For myself, I feel like Jessica has been very open and generous with her time, knowledge and experience and it sounds like the only difference between her and David is he likes to give out homework. But, it seems like the visual artists don’t spend much time with Jane and vice versa. No one really complains about it. It seems very matter of fact. So, maybe this is status quo for visual artists at residency. I’m so glad that this residency is turning out how I had hoped it would be. ACA provides such a wonderful place to create. I highly recommend artists of any discipline to apply for residency here.

This is how tired I was last night. I actually heard another armadillo digging around outside of jessica’s house. I was too tired to care, first of all and too tired to lift my camera to my eye and take a pic of it. so, I’m on a mission – I have two more weeks to catch an armadillo on film, national geopgraphic style. “Armadillo, YOU are MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!! *strikes WWF pose*

day 7 - word count: 11,116

(can i just say before i write this that i'm totally paranoid about who's reading this now that the blog's been outed...)

ok, so yesterday was probably the most unproductive day... my own fault...

i wrote a teeny tiny little bit. there were plans in the making to visit the road tattoo that Steed made in front of city hall. it was on the front page of the town newspaper and everything. :)

so, by the time 12:30 rolled around, i had to go meet everyone and we drove over there. there was a non-denominational prayer and we all drew the names of hurricanes inside the hurricane charm. i did two actually - Gert and Arlene. I was so glad to finally be a part of this whole project. I wasn't feeling well the day that most of the tattoo was being plotted and painted. I was so bummed.

then, we went over to this funky little seafood shack to get some fried seafood. i think it was called seafood harvest. i had a crab cake sandwich and i stole scallops and french fries from my neighboring diners. yum-o-rama! yumyumyumyum....

dina had invited us over to her father's place to hold workshop. the house was huge and multi-tiered like a tall hollow wedding cake. it was located just one row of houses away from the ocean. we sat down to workshop and some freak storm fell on the house.

crap. i just looked out the window and it's storming again. :( and i didn't bring my umbrella to the common area. i've been f*cking toting that thing everywhere and haven't used it yet!

anyway, at the workshop, martha read one of her stories and the idea was brought up that one of her main characters could be a poc instead of white. it was interesting to me that martha thought she couldn't write that character/story because that wasn't "her story". it kinda sounded like she was worried that she would marginalize her audience and that maybe she couldn't give credence to a poc voice. admittedly, i could be totally wrong about the exact issue that surrounded martha's story but that what i was hearing. I could also have been hearing it since in my story, im really concerned about writing lebanese, polish and puerto rican characters. I feel totally incapable of doing so. I'm going to attempt it but the process will most likely resemble carving into stone.

finally, we all got to hear an excerpt from what john is working on. his work is very interesting to me because i hear it as a good marriage between a poet and a fiction writer. he has a very unique style and mastery of language and vocabulary and a wonderful pace. I find that i struggle with that all the time. the poet in me is constantly trying to enconomize what i'm trying to write and i think it makes my work more and more inaccessible. it will be a great lesson for me to listen and read more of john's work.

after the workshop, some other associates came over and there was pool playing and pina colada drinking (neither of which i took advantage of). we all ended up going to a restaurant that had more on its menu besides fried goods. the street that the flagler tavern was located on was blocked off for a motorcycle show and rally. there were hundred of bikes lining the streets and there were some really beautifully painted ones. there was this far out bike that was really squat and wide. it was silver and painted with characters from a movie... i can't remember if it was the wizard of oz or the oompa loompas from willy wonka... it's was trippy. i talked to a bike about what was going on and he explained that this was a new thing the city had cooked up to draw tourists back to new smyrna beach which had been heavily damaged from a hurricane. he was so nice and was telling me about where to go in new smyrna and that i should really go and see st. augustine. apparently, the architecture is very old - sounds interesting. i think he said it was only a half hour away.

the flagler tavern serves good food but the service is SO F*CKING SLOW. jessica and i were running on fumes and we still had to prepare for tonight's dinner. after a long circuitous drive, we all finally arrived back at "the ranch".

jessica and i marinated the chicken and pork for the adobo. we talked about our lolas (grandmothers), filipino resturants and our favorite filipino foods. it was beyond surreal. i kept thinking, is this real? am i dreaming? seriously, i could be cathecting this whole world in my teeny tiny head while the reality is i'm living underneath the L tracks somewhere in downtown chicago... after the food prep, i had a cup of tea and i noticed jessica's eyelids were getting lower and lower. so, i headed off and ran into a dance party that was happening inside the theatre.

it was very entertaining to watch the other associates get happy on red stripe, kylie minogue and house music. :)

i really should go now and find Del and see if he still wants to go to church today... either that or actually catch up on that writing.

Day 6 - 7:51 am - word count: 10,630

I have so many mosquito bites… I will be a walking collage of welts by the last week… maybe i should switch and become a performance artist....

My mother’s birthday was yesterday. YAY MOM! She’s very excited about my being here. (Well, I suppose anyone would be if it turned out they figured prominently into my book.)

I called her to congratulate her and she was still insisting that if by some miracle this book gets optioned for a film that Sophia Loren play her. HA! Right, mom. Sophia Loren (Italian, tall, D cup) cast as you (Filipino, short, A cup).

I’ve never been to Sweden but I wonder if this is what it feels like. The days and nights come and go. I see the rising and the setting of the sun but time really has no meaning here. It’s very discombobulating. When it’s light out, it could be 7 or 12 or 4 and when it’s dark it could be 7 or 12 or 4. We are all working and playing diligently at so many different hours.

Martha said something so true the other night. She said that if we were all scientists, the writers would be the anthropologists, the composers would be the physicists and the visual artists would be the chemists. Talking to the writers does seem like a study in people and culture – we’re always talking about the dynamics of ACA and new Smyrna, the parallels between people of large cosmopolitan cities and small insular towns, movies, music, etc.... We talk around and around in circles and we challenge each others perspectives and theories of what motivates us, people and groups, etc…

I have talked to most of the other associates except for the visual artists who kinda intimidate me, just like they did in art school.

The composers are very friendly and curious and they’re always very inviting, “come sit with us” or “I can’t wait to read your final draft.” But, soon the composers conversations turn to theories and their vocabulary becomes so dense and almost ethereal that personally, I get completely lost. It’s almost like they're literally speaking in experimental music around me. Their voices are their instruments. They rest and pause, speed up and show emotion just as they would in an actual compostion. Their syllables are the notes and sounds. It's quite lyrical.

The visual artists are mostly mixed media or collage artists except for Steed it seems. But, what little experience I’ve had with them. It’s amazing what small things inspire them and how everything seems to influence and make their presence known in their work – dancing, music, prose, reality, fantasy, found object, craft, emotions, etc.. To me, it does seem like they have the ability to take anything and everything and mix it all together and then systematically shave away at their creation and distill it down to a final statement.

Anyway, writing went really well yesterday. I still feel like I’m walking around in the dark but every once in a while a light turns on for a second so I can see where I’m going. My brain was so knackered yesterday with plot twists and characters that I really needed to veg out in front of the tv. I can’t believe I missed Alias and totally forgot about it. Not that there’s a tv in the "island colony" to watch it on. But, still…

You’ll be happy to know that I found out about the whole manuscript thing –btw. Jessica asked me if my work was double or single spaced. I said single not knowing why she was asking. So, I asked Mae and now I feel like an idiot. Most of the writers here are really putting the finishing touches on pretty much final drafts or at least that’s my impression… So, there are a few associate writers here with 200+ pages of work. So, I’m thinking this whole time that everyone is single spacing like me… Not so, grasshopper. So, I double spaced my work and switched fonts to Times New Roman and Eureka! I had something ridiculous like twice or three times the # of pages… I no longer feel like a slug on the associate writers evolutionary chain. I think I may have developed into a reptile of some sort.

I was feeling a little dizzy yesterday so, I bowed out of going to Jessica and David’s appearance in town. I just needed some Mamazilla time. I borrowed a movie from Jessica that I’ve been dying to see, Almodovar’s Talk to Her. What a lovely film. But I have to admit I was waiting and waiting for some crazy background story and the film continued it’s story arc and ended. That was the most “normal” almodovar movie I think I’ve ever seen - maybe "accessible" is the right word. Which is not said to insult the movie or imply that the movie was lacking in some way – I LOVED this movie. It was so moving and beautiful and hopeful. I marvel at how almodovar can make me sympathize with his characters especially the character Benigno in this film. His movies always tease me into contemplating life as a homeless person in Barcelona without hesitation or complaint.

By the time the movie ended it was 2 am or so and f*ck if I was going to write a journal post then. Anyway, it’s time for me to shower and get my day underway. I think were actually holding workshop at the beach today! I will endeavor to keep sand away from my laptop here and most importantly away from any bodily crevices. OLE!

hours later.... i've been outed. the blog has been read by some associates... pray i don't get my *ss kicked.

Day 4 - 12:14 am - word count 7,290

Everyday, I think, “This residency can’t get any better, today was the perfect day.”
And I’m proven wrong.

I got more sleep last night and I owe it all to that walk on the beach… I’m still having trouble sleeping because I miss popzilla and kidzilla terribly.

After breakfast, I wrote from 9-12. I ate lunch. I wrote a little more…. The more and more I write the better I feel about where the story is going and my use of language. I feel like I am remembering how to ride a bike – not just any bike – but a bike of my own making. It’s familiar and comfortable and welcoming…

Yesterday, Mae, Mia and I planned to meet up with Jessica at her cottage to talk about issues specific to asian american women writers. I had a few questions to ask but when we got started talking, I have to admit that I actually got sorta star-struck and totally blanked my questions.

The only question I could remember was as an asian American writer should you take responsibility for the asian American community and write to empower them or should you just write? I didn’t really phrase it that way but sorta like that… I kinda thought I knew what she would say. I mean the title of her book is “dogeaters”. But, I was curious. And she was honest - she doesn’t write to please others. She doesn’t write to hurt others either. She just writes. She’s sensitive and sympathetic to people who read the book and are still hurt by it, but that’s her book. She’s not going to apologize for it. She’s not going to force you to read and support it. But, she’s not going to suppress who she is for a larger agenda. This is pretty much what I thought she would say and what I had hoped to hear. I needed to hear that. This work that I’m creating is so important to me and I know it’s not going to please everyone who reads it, but I am sensitive to the asian American people and what hurts them, hurts me. But, I have to be true to who I am and what my experiences are.

Jessica talked to us about who her audiences are and how her work is perceived by Filipinos and non-filipinos. It was so interesting to listen to her stories of past readings and the past productions of plays. She’s lived such an amazing life and has met extraordinary people and experience life so passionately. I really can’t believe I’m here spending time with this force of nature… I’m getting so tired now, I’ll try to elaborate on what else we talked about some other time.

The other thing that happened today that blew my mind… I had to read my excerpt from my little work in progress. I read about 6 pages. The group seemed to really like it. Of course there’s that part of me that thinks everyone is just so freaking nice and supportive here that they’re just blowing sunshine up my *ss… But, my associates seemed genuinely interested in what I had written and where I was going. If I remember right, Jessica said it was “elegant”. (woo hoo! J) I think she mentioned there were a few places where I wrote some intricate details about events and characters that really moved her.

I got some really great feedback and advice re: questions I had about narrative in the 1st person vs. the 3rd person. For example, I really love the 1st person that eugenides uses in Middlesex. The original draft that I sent to Jessica was in the first person. But, as I wrote it I began to feel really self conscious and uncomfortable with it. So, I started another draft in the third person and it really is much better. The group seemed to agree that I should indulge myself and try it when I felt it was necessary – not to push it for external reasons like an audience. Stephanie said it best when she said, “Write the book that you want to read.”

I’m still struggling with deciding if the work will ultimately be a memoir, a fiction novel or a collection of short stories. Again, the group was pretty much in agreement in that I should just go with the flow and cross that bridge when I got there.

Lastly, I’ve been worried about the cast of characters and whether or not I can handle their different immigrant voices with care and complexity. Again, the group was satisfied with what I had to show so, I will just have to wait and see.

Such a great day… *sigh* J

Tomorrow sounds pretty busy around here. In the morning, a bunch of the associates (all disciplines) are going to help steed with his installation of a road tattoo in town. Although I would love to help, I really have to keep on writing. After some deliberation, I had to eliminate three characters which was a setback. I’m glad I did it. It needed to get done but I have to catch up.

After lunch, we’re all going back into town to shop for provisions for the weekend. The chef is off on the weekends so we have to fend for ourselves. Jessica thought it might be a good idea to go out on Saturday night and cook Filipino food on Sunday night.

After shopping, I’ll probably write some more and then we have to go to dinner off ACA. Apparently a gallery in town is holding an opening for david rakowski and Jessica. Should be interesting. J

Day 3 - 12:02 am

Just got back from a local bar where the writers associates could be found drinking and playing pool… for a group of writers – I know it looks as if we’re not doing a whole lot of writing. In fact, we really are. I think we’re all writing so intensely that we need an equal amount of time away from writing.

Let’s see… the day started out kinda rough for me. There was the whole spider fiasco last night and the subsequent lack of uninterrupted sleep…

I had a nice breakfast this morning and was able to thank my spider killer again and again profusely. I really have to find out his name – spider killer seems a little presumptive, no?

I realized today that I keep forgetting to mention my handy laptop… so, I guess about a week or so ago, I was writing on my other brother in law’s old laptop. I went to save the novel and the laptop crashed during the save and LOST about ¼ to ½ of what I had written. So, after a good long cry I endeavored to write what I lost or at least try to outline what I could remember and went to save again and the laptop crashed again and lost more of what I wrote!

So, I gave myself the ultimatum – either you buy a laptop or you forget the whole thing.

I came really close to forgetting the whole thing.

But, I really felt like I had to come and follow the path that was being dimly lit for me… so glad, I’m here and so glad, for this wonder of technology sitting in my lap.

Anyhoo… I wrote and edited from 9 until 12:30. I still don’t feel like I’m being very productive, but I do feel like I’m accomplishing a little goal every time. I was feeling very dismissive of my novel, novella or short story collection… now, I’m feeling more confident about it and the subject.

After that, lunch was served and I ate with the some of the associate writers. I’m really enjoying the company of all the associates. Mostly everyone here is interesting and funny – I need to really get over the whole shyness thing. It’s killin’ my social butterfly rep. (ha)

After lunch, we had to finish all the associate introductions. We were expected to give a five minute introduction that talked about our backgrounds as well as what we were working on at ACA. Again, the presentations were phenomenal. The level of artistry and professionalism is intense here. I really am the only associate at my level. Most of the visual artists, composers and writers hold graduate school degrees, have taught or are currently teaching in their disciplines, they are published or have had one person shows. The depth of their works and their theories is mind boggling.

I’m so out of my water and loving every minute of it. I feel like I’m back in high school but I am so part of the IN crowd. It’s hilarious!

I was the second to last presenter. I admit that I did some practicing in my room beforehand. I gave my short schpiel about how I had studied fine arts (specifically fashion design) and poetry/creative writing in school. And how immediately after school I got a job in the garment business and stayed in the business for a decade. I explained that I got married and then got laid off again and decided that journey was over and I needed to start on a new one, which led me to Chicago and the resulting birth of my daughter. I talked about how I had come to the decision that I really needed to revisit and explore the poetry and fiction that I had left behind to pursue a career. And how the move and the birth profoundly affected me and my life , my perspective, my relationships. And how I was inspired to write possibly a memoir or a collection of short stories based on the neighborhood where I was raised. Then, I totally caved and read poetry not an excerpt of my latest work because, I wasn’t comfortable reading something in such an early stage of writing and because the poems were already published. To my happy surprise, the poems were received very well. They all laughed in the right places. J I was congratulated by many of my fellow associates in all the disciplines too. Yay!

The presentations finished early and so I went back to the writing studio to write a little more. Dinner wasn’t going to be ready until 6ish and it was only 4. I realize now I should’ve grabbed a cat nap.

When I got to dinner, one of the music associates, david, the other Chicagoan, actually pulled me aside to tell me how much he enjoyed my poems and how interested he was in what I was writing now. He was very complimentary. It was so nice to hear and at the same time I was very cognizant of feeling so unworthy of such high praise... L I ate dinner with the music associates tonight. They’re a wiry funny bunch – I really enjoy hanging out with them. They have this wonderfully sophisticated vocabulary to me – like being in a room with mathematical brainiacs.

After dinner, we took some pics of the writing associates. Mae is leaving on Monday and Chris is leaving tomorrow for a few days. After the pictures, we all got into separate cars and went to the beach.

The Atlantic was beautiful and warm tonight. I was so content to stand in the sinking sand, my ankles being stroked by the waves. When we arrived, it was still light out. We finally left when we could barely see our feet when we looked down. Then, off we went to a local bar where I had the most enlightening conversation with another music composer, Del. His focus here is to write modern sacred music. So, we talked about faith and comparative religion. We talked about denominational history and current issues facing Christians today, etc… He is absolutely brilliant. Those students at Boston College are SO lucky to have Del as an instructor!

Our talk was so great that we agreed to find a church and attend together on Sunday. He was happy to attend a catholic mass but of course, I offered to attend a Congregationalist service or even Episcopalian, in case we wanted to meet halfway. J

So, I have something to look forward to on Sunday. Anyway, my eyelids are really getting heavy now. Must. Sleep. Now.

Day 2 – 11:39 p.m.

I don’t even know where to start this journal entry.

I just saw an armadillo and an owl.

I trapped a big black spider in a drawer in my room. I pull the gender card and asked a composer to do something. He smoooshed it but i was wracked with guilt all night about it. functioning on little to no sleep.

I discovered WiFi. EUREKA!!!

I just shared wine with great company and wonderful music at Jessica Hagedorn’s house.
The former ACA master artists in residence autographed the inside of Jessica’s closet – Spalding Grey, Anne Waldeman, Diane Di Prima, too many to name (especially after such an exhausting day and a glass of wine). I also got chewed to death by random biting insects.

So many things happened today… so many things that I want to write about… so tired…

I had a lovely breakfast.

I did some more writing (editing really - i know SO BAD... must. imprison. internal. editor.)

I went shopping in the small hamlet of new smyrna beach. I bought snacks and fruit and vitamins. Everyone else bought hard liquor and olive tapenade.

I made it through my first official meeting of associate writing residents – chris, martha, dina and mae read what they are working on and talked about their backgrounds and goals. chris blew my freaking mind away. after he read his work, i was seriously considering dropping out entirely. Thursday, i will have to read an excerpt along with johnathan, stephanie and mia. What's worse is tomorrow, i'll actually have to read something to the entire residency program. i knew about this beforehand and brought some poetry, but still... not even remotely prepared to read a f*cking shopping list in public.

One of the many highlights last night were the Master artist introductions by jessica hagedorn, david rakowski, jayne hammond. They are all such inspiring artists.

the associate artist introductions were also very inspiring especially the composer works which were performed by pianist amy dissenyaka and the road tattoos of steed taylor.

more later...

day 1 - ACA residency - New Smyrna Beach

I feel like today started a few days ago really…

I started missing kidzilla & popzilla many many moons ago and regretting my decision to come almost immediately after accepting.

This morning was not as tough as I had thought. I think the short emotional talk I had with popzilla about being afraid to die in a fiery loud messy plane crash and feeling incapable of protecting my small precious family as I feel I do on a daily basis helped to intellectually ease me out the door and onto the plane.

The ride to the airport was actually enjoyable. I was expecting a terrifically surly BILzilla (very cool brother in law who recently came to live with us.) . I was instead greeted and driven by a very awake and breakfasted BILzilla.

The plane ride to Atlanta was smooth and I had a funny feeling that my recently departed and well loved FILzilla (father in law) had something to do with that. And I don’t feel remotely cheesy in thanking the ol’ guy for it either.

The flight to Daytona on the tiny little plane with 30 seats was slightly more disconcerting and turbulent. I actually had to walk out on the tarmac at Atlanta to board the plane. SO 70s television...

I can’t believe I paid a cab $75.00 to get to the artists colony. I was f*cking robbed.

But I was not disappointed when I finally arrived at ACA.

It’s really quite beautiful here. The landscape is gnarly and lush and vibrating with squirrely lizards and enormous butterflies and skittish birds with songs so unfamiliar to me. No standard robins or cardinals to be found.

The room itself is simple, clean, quiet and spare – a bed, a radio, a bathroom, a refrigerator, a closet, lights, etc…

When I first arrived, I unpacked and ate the subway sandwich I bought at the airport.

Then, I took a look around. I met Mia first - i'm not the token filipino! She is also in the writing residency and had already walked around and met some people. She met another filipino writer, Mae. We talked for a bit but I was interrupting her lunch so I walked around finishing my self guided tour. I met Ines, one of the ACA staff, who is originally from Argentina. She’s so pretty and reminds me of one of my best friends who is also argentinian and a knock out. Ines brought me back to the library where I saw Mia again and saw another writer in residence, Johnathan.

I left there and went back to my room to kill time before our dinner at 7 p.m. Florida FM radio sucks *ss.

There are two large housing units the eagle wing and the patron wing. The patron wing sounds like the party wing. of course, i'm in the eagle wing.

Finally, 7 o’clock rolled around and I headed out. I met my next door neighbor, Suzanne, who is here for the composer residency.

She is very friendly and actually studied at the university of Chicago. She introduced me to other people with Chicago ties. Small. World.

On our way to dinner, we ran into Mia, Jessica Hagedorn and Dina (another associate writer in residence). Jessica seems very friendly and welcoming. I’m so relieved.

I met a few more people at dinner. Amy, an accomplished pianist who is here to help the composer residents. David, another Chicagoan, is also here for the composer residency. Thomas, an artist from London, is here for the visual artist residency. Suzanne and I sat down at a table with Johnathan who just recently arrived back in the states from a few months in argentina. He was just there to write. How cool is that… he’s written a few books it sounds like and has an agent in new york. He’s pretty nomadic.

After dinner, which was delicious – salmon with veggies and saffron rice, we introduced ourselves to each other. I f*cking HATE introducing myself to people.

Then, we took a tour of the different studios. Admittedly, the studios for all the other disciplines were impressive compared to the writing groups couches and table. But, the group itself seems laid back, easy going and fun. So, I’m really looking forward to interacting and learning these next three weeks. If only, I didn’t have to actually contribute through writing! :P

After our tour, the writing group sat around and ate brownies and talked about how we might schedule our days/weeks, etc… it’s sounds like it’ll be pretty free form. I really wish I could’ve said goodnight to ellie and dj but by the time the tour was over it was much too late to call.

11:45 p.m. - time to call it quits. Early day tomorrow and lots of writing to catch up on. Sorry for the long hiatus in blogging. i've been trying to get ready for this residency and i was also setting up the drawing club. i've missed reading my favorite blogs, hopefully, i'll have some time to catch up with all of you.

i should REALLY listen to stevie wonder more often...

"...when you believe in things that you don't understand, then you suffer, superstition ain't the way..."





i think it's true for most stay at home moms that the only "quiet time" you get is when you're in the bathroom (you may or may not be bareassed and sitting on "the throne").

i needed a little quiet time (fully clothed and standing) so i stepped into the closest loo. kidzilla followed me to the door but turned around, satisfied with my excuse for leaving her and walked away saying "seeyalatermama".

...and standing there in the quiet and glass block filtered sunlight, i recognized (again) how awesome my life is - my beautiful child, my wonderful husband, my huge crayzee loving family, this old brick box we call home, the opportunity to write a book, the drawing club, etc.... how did i luck out? and why?

and right after that i thought, "y'know, by some strange twist of fate or cosmic humor, i'll probably die in a fiery planecrash on my way to florida or God forbid worse..." *shivers*

i've been like this all of my life. maybe i read too superficially into the book of job or something... in the farthest reaches of the back of my head, i think the triumphant will of God will be done come hell or high water. (!) i was thinking, maybe this morose foreboding is a filipino thing heightened by being catholic as well - something that happened as a result of the original tribal filipino matriarchal society being colonized by the spaniards. but, i can't really think of any relatives who were/are as pessimistic as i was/am.

then i remembered how all of my filipino friends and relatives are EXTREMELY superstitious. as a teenager, i fainted in church once. what a fiasco! an ambulance was called, the emt asked my mom if i was pregnant, she freaked out, etc... when i got home, my grandmother burned the dress i was wearing and proceeded to burn all manner of scented debris (crystals, herbs, tree bark) under my bed in an attempt to smoke out "any straggler demons" that were hiding under it....

here is a list of superstitions (besides the black cats and broken mirrors) i have been saddled with all of my life:

1) eat all the rice you make
2) never enter a new house with an old broom
2a) never sweep in the morning
2b) always sweep from the front of the house towards the rear of the house
3) do not cut nails at night
4) do not cross a floor on your knees
5) beds should never face a door or doorway
6) if you give a friend shoes as a gift make sure they give you a penny back and vice versa
7) always put money in a purse that you intend to give as a present
8) the last person at the table should be left to clean up or they will never marry

i can't think up anymore off the top of my head but i'm sure throughout the day the madness will reappear and i'll remember another one and react accordingly.

intellectually and spiritually, i know that as a catholic, i'm actually sinning every time i let myself get "heebie-jeebied" by a superstition because it exemplifies my lack of trust in the divine providence of God - ergo - i'm actually breaking the 1st commandment.

yeah, way to rack up the brownie points with the big man upstairs, m'zilla.

i've been lax with a few here and there but there are some that i just can't break - even at the expense of my poor husbands annoying television watching and book reading (in bed, while i'm trying to sleep) habits. popzilla unknowingly goes hara- kiri on my superstitions willy nilly, all the time, w/o repercussion. you'd think that would set a good example for me and yet, i'm paralyzed by my superstitions. i find myself saving k'zilla from her superstition ignorant doom all the time... i'm a freaking fanatic! it's horrible...

so, i'm left with two choices - either i become a jehovah's witness (they are not bound by the ten commandments) or i stop with the superstitions cold turkey.




(later, a google search reveals that jehovah witnesses don't celebrate birthdays which sends mamazilla straight upstairs to turn the bed towards the door and later, to confession as soon as possible. )

eleven situations in which it is inappropriate for you to have children

check this essay out - according to this essay, my moms shouldn't have had kids, my siblings and i shouldn't have kids and YOU probably shouldn't have kids...

so for all o' you pre-kid singletons - feel free to thank this person for warning you ahead of time...

hmmm, i suppose this means i should leave kidzilla in a park with a sign around her neck saying, "free to good home - don't procreate." and then, run off and join the shakers...

contrary to popular belief i'm not dead...

ok, so the "then and now" thing isn't working. it turns out it also requires more imagination and thought than this poor slackjawed old hag can muster... i may have to recycle posts like some of my favorite bloggers do from time to time (and ya know who ya are). i figure i've been blogging for at least a year... i'm "allowed", no?

my humble little drawing club is proving to be a much bigger and wilder project than i had anticipated... my two biggest troubles - a) promoting it and b) finding a model. so, please feel free to promote the drawing club. and if you know of a model who would be interested in posing for it as a pin up girl please let me know. my goal is to be as slick and awesome as this drawing club.

a plus side to all this pseudo promoting and model searching is i have found very interesting websites and have gotten even more acquainted with others.

first of all, for someone who is happily married and a really busy mother... i'm visiting, searching and posting to craigslist, evite, myspace, friendster and yahoo groups WAAAAY too much.

in my search for the model i found a website for "alternative" models, photographers, artists, etc... it's looks relatively new but very promising - retrokitten. hopefully, one of the handful of beautiful models that i emailed will contact me.... oh, so doubtful...

writing "the book" was so much easier when i didn't have the spectre of the residency looming over me... i'm editing what i write to death so i thought i should take a breather...

in a recent panic, i headed over to the bookstore and looked at all the author toolkits, handbooks, writing for dummies and idiots guides. i left with the only book that didn't make me feel like a total fraud - no plot? no problem! by chris baty . it's the book written by the master/svengoolie behind NaNoWriMo - that brilliant little scheme (*cough* cult *cough*) that brainwashes you into writing 50,000 words in a month - usually november.

so far, the book is totally hilarious and reminds me that i'm not the only one stupid enough to try this - apparently, millions of you - all over the world - have. so, i don't know what the f*ck i'm worried about... it's like the cold... it totally sucks and you feel like crap and there's no cure but you wait it out and it's gone. then, you put your hands on another germy shopping cart and EUREKA! another idea for a book. and yer screwed again and it's yer own fault for not washing your hands...

anyway, i've missed reading everyone's blogs so now that kidzilla is down for a nap... i think i'll check on y'all... :)

p.s. popzilla has also resumed semi-regular blogging... please go over and say "hi" and tell him i sent you - dallas island

getting back to basics....

yesterday, we had the electric subpanel in our house updated (i have NO idea what that really means outside of electricianspeak)

but i can tell you what it means in 'zillaspeak... it mean no lights, no sesame street, no land before time dvds, no 9 fm, no microwaved organic chicken nuggets w/ organic veggies, no blogs, no voicemails, no chilled juices or waters, no washer or dryer, no clocks, well... you get my sans electricity drift...

and it was actually... ok.

paloma and i didn't die. (bring it on, colonial house!)
(wee-HA! we live to annoy you day after another day!)

except for paloma's nap (which was constantly interrupted by the drilling thru of impervious pink chicago brick and the extravagant demolition of the previous electric subpanel "hydra"), we kicked it old school... lucky for us it was also warm enough to swing and slide for hours in the backyard.

well... i'm officially "busy" now (trying to raise paloma, while still maintaining my alter alter egos of bridezilla and girlzilla, write a quarter of a phantom book to have ready for a residency and start a southside drawing club) and so i'm forced to revisit the original idea of mamazilla.

as a newbie 2003 mom, in my post partum glow, i experienced some tragicomic de ja vues. i called them my "then & nows". so, i started my blog by cataloging a handful of them in an effort to communicate with the living as well as stimulate what little creative process my mommy peabrain could muster.

back then, paloma's naps were frequent and unpredictable. now, paloma's moods, naps and meals are relatively easy to pre-determine. i was tearing my hair out then and i still tear my hair out now... (see... then and now...)

all of that coupled with the onset of spring (read: recent release from the 'zillas minimum security self-imposed winter prison) and my new ventures, i may have to resort to "then & nows" again. which does not mean "i'm taking a hiatus" - it means i have a two year old who can go outside for some supervised play now.... (awwww, maaaan...)

anyhoo... i thought up two "then & now"s this morning as i was flipping thru last week's time out chicago... one is totally unfit to print here - you'll get the other and like it:

binge drinking

then:
11 p.m. bar #1 - six shooter o' jack, two pints of black and tans.
2 a.m. bar #2 - three pints o' leinenkugels
5 a.m. bar #3 - don't remember but a legendary table dance, an elvis impersonator and a $20 cab tip should suffice for memory loss.

now:
all day; kitchen table, living room sofa, basement futon (rotating) - 2 - 15oz vitamin c drinks, a 8 oz cup of hot chocolate, a 10 oz mug of chamomile tea, a 12oz can ginger ale and 4 - 8 oz glasses of ice water.

whoa, nelly.

mo' lateah...

caterpillar - cocoon - butterfly

i'm not going to pass any judgments about terri schiavo's situation and the separate factions fighting for her life/death . i honestly don't know much about the history of her story which is more important to me than what is happening now.

my impression is that she made a mistake. i believe her husband when he says that terri didn't want any heroic measures. i hear so many of my friends say the same thing. i may be catholic, but i think it's one's decision to do with one's life what he/she wants. i don't think anyone knows what their "god" truly intends for them. i think you just go with what you know...

but, the bottom line is she didn't get her wishes recorded legally. unfortunately, 15 years later, she's still paying for that "mistake".

i was surprised to hear on this morning's news report that according to health professionals, terri's not suffering. how can anyone really know for sure (especially in terri's case)? and who can really define what suffering is?

as a mother, i don't blame terri's parents for fighting so desperately for the life of their child. i can't imagine facing a decision like that with kidzilla. i'd sacrifice my own life in the blink of an eye, maybe even someone elses, if it meant i could save her from a long and painful death.

but, it's been a long time coming... it's that time - terri's on her way to somewhere else. it's time to stop fighting each other by using terri as a platform and a weapon, store away the glaring spotlight and let her family regroup in peace to comfort her and say their goodbyes. who knows maybe she'll surprise us all? doubtful, but i'm a believer in the miraculous...

to be honest, from the outside looking in, terri's become everybody's property and the poster child for pro & con euthanasia groups. she ceased being a living, breathing person due to the media circus not her condition. she's been reduced to a video loop, a sound bite or a photo op. it's humbling how this world can foster and shelter such beautiful and repulsive beings and really you can't tell one from the other at first sight...

to me, it's ironic and fitting in a way that this is all happening during the christian holy week - the week that always overpowers me to tears. it's like a big ol' magnifying glass set clearly upon me and my achievements, crimes and daily petty misdemeanors for my yearly reality check. but, it always inspires me & reminds me of the awe-inspiring and formidable potential buried in each and every individual person.

i always try to see the presence of divinity in all people. admittedly, it's hard to see the divinity with some (school bullies, the wabash ave. meter maid, extremeist terrorists) but i can see it pretty easily with terri - maybe her life and dying are meant to serve as a message or to teach the rest of us a harsh lesson. personally, i think the message is "live and love abundantly and generously so that whatever day is your last day - you and your loved ones know everything that had to be said was said and everything that had to be done was done."

...and on that note, i must rescue a howling kidzilla from her toddler bed, scam a sweaty hug and take a deep breath of fresh spring air outside...

peace be with you, terri and to all of you out there, too.