godspeed...

i received an email from our school that a father of two students (a 3rd grader and a kindergartner) passed away over the weekend...

i didn't know the dad personally, i knew who he was and that he was a very jovial, friendly and popular dad amongst our mutual friends/parents....

despite not knowing him, i'm so sad to hear the news...  i can 't even imagine the kind of grief they must be experiencing...  i pray for him, his wife and their children, family and friends...  i pray that God helps them in their sorrow...  sheltering and embracing them through the stormy and weary days ahead...

i just learned that the dad was also very connected to the chicago music scene as a musician for a very popular local band and as a manager of many bands - local and elsewhere...  he wrote the song below about his life and his children, it's performed by the band, kaiser cartel...

please join me and leave a light on for this family tonight...

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conversations with paloma

saturday -

paloma (& porkchop) - PLEeeeEEEEeeeeeEEeeASE PLAY THE SONG ABOUT CRAZINESS AND PEPSI!!!!!  I JUST WANT A PEPSI!!!!



today -

paloma: mom, do you know what ewoks are?

me: animals that live on the forest moon of endor (*geekhighfive*)

paloma: no.  they're reanimated teddy bears.

me:  do you even know what reanimated means?

paloma:  yes.  yes i do.

me:  O_o

*mental note: buy that surveillance camera...

i mustache you this question....

will you be our valentine?! :)

happy valentines day everybody!!!

(thanks for the blonde designs blog for the mustache pop idea!)

happy halloween!

as you can see, porkchop wanted to be harry potter for halloween... i would love to say it was because he's such a fan of the books, but i think it's because he's such a fan of paloma who is a huge fan of the books... it never ceases to amaze me how much he loves his big sister and always wants to be her biggest supporter:



i used butterick pattern B4319 and added the maroon lining to the hood and about 4" of the fronts... i chose charcoal grey because i had moaning myrtle on the brain and spaced that the current hogwarts robes are black... and the thin man had a striped maroon/grey tie (that i had intended to paint with some gold fabric paint...)... i got slightly more geeky by drawing a gryffindor-ish crest onto some fabric, interfacing it and then applying it to the robe... also, i found an easy way to cover a shank button to make the robe closure. :)

paloma wanted to be a "villain in a ball gown"... ??

so we surveyed what was out there and she came up with "spider princess"



although the feel/hand of the fabrics i chose were stiff - for the most part they were pretty comfortable... all the fabrics are covered in a cobweb pattern... i used mccalls M5954. i didn't use the peplum because... well, a peplum didn't seem too spider princessy... :)




and here are our scaaaaaaaary jack o lanterns... i actually used a steak knife to carve these babies - i think i lost the pumpkin knives in the move... amazing i didn't lop off an appenadage this year... :)



ennyhooo.... have a safe and fun halloween!!! :)

porkchop's music request

a very long while ago, a friend of the thin man gave him two old iphones she didn't need anymore. we decided to give them to porkchop & paloma (for music and games only) provided they achieved certain tasks...

paloma recived hers at the end of the last school year for doing so well academically. porkchop was to receive his when he completed a full series of swim lessons...

it hasn't happened yet because he would not get in the pool... he would kick and scream and have complete meltdowns in the shower room... for some reason, he had some huge irrational fear of the pool at the local Y. we started taking him to the pool by ourselves during free swims and after a few tries, he finally got in the pool and has been making progress... but he didn't complete a full series last time.

tomorrow, he will start a new series of swim classes... he's REALLY excited. :)

so i asked him (my 5yo), "porkchop, what music do you want me to put on your iphone?" he responded with the following... (clearly, he is influenced by his parents' musical tastes... *facepalm*)

"i want...













and all the beach boys songs."

funny and disturbing... i know. *sigh* currently, we're watching the looney tunes (as i cough and wheeze thru this upper respiratory infection) - he may ask for opera next... :) hope your week is going smoothly...

tea for two :)

just an fyi - the thin man and i are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary today!

yay us! :)



(btw - housework, cats, children and husband were all neglected to create this little film montage...)

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Maclaren Triumph Stroller (2003 - 2010)

ever since i discovered that my kids' photos on my flickr account were being favorited by users who liked "blindfolded kids in closets", i slowly stopped posting about my children on my blog. i really have missed writing about them and how they astound/confound me on a daily basis...

however, not too recently, i wrote about getting a little weepy when we gave our bassinet away, so i thought it only fitting that i give the stroller a similar eulogy...

2004:
2006:

7 years and 2 children later... our trusty Maclaren stroller finally gave up the ghost... (actually the frame and cloth parts were fine, a little sunfaded, etc... the wheels however were shred to ribbons...)

in my third trimester, i remember researching strollers online and reading that the maclaren triumph was a favorite for urban dwelling moms who didn't drive because it was very light and folded easily with a hand and a foot - perfect for us subway moms! :)

i also read it was preferred by tall folks like my husband.

so, thin man and i cruised over to the local babies r us and took their floor model for a spin thru the store. he noted it didn't hurt his back and i folded and unfolded the model, with a hand and a foot, while cradling a stuffed animal from the toy section in the other arm.... sold, we took it home...

that stroller went with us everywhere... planes, trains, automobiles, boats, hay rides, etc... its little mesh basket (and sometimes even the hood) held toys, goodies from garage sales, groceries, library books, etc... as a new mom, it helped me get acquainted to a different kind of independence and as a result, i was enouraged to stretch the boundaries of my new life.

the maclaren was my other constant companion in the summer. we had the babyjogger for the winter and the sit and stand double stroller for longer walking trips... neither of which were as easy or light...

i remember many early evenings, watching paloma or porkchop's little head, darting around at random moving objects (dogs, bugs, leaves) and giggling and pointing. then, nodding off a bit... and finally, falling asleep... i will always treasure witnessing someone so fragile, trusting me... the stroller facilitated so many quiet opportunities to be close to my child, even if only connected by metal and fabric...

although it was beyond our budget as new parents, to purchase in 2003, i'm immensely grateful that we did. i don't think we'll have any more children... but, i probably shouldn't tempt fate by saying so... but if we were blessed with another child, the first thing i'd run out and buy (and hug): a new maclaren. :)

ennywey.... i hope you're having a tolerable monday!! :) thanks for coming by and reading.

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(='.'=)
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happy 4th birthday, porkchop!

i don't know how you do it, buddy... but, you amaze me with every passing day... i love you, little man! happy happy birthday!!


and with respect to the men and women who were lost on pearl harbor day:



thinking of you too, grandpa dallas, flying loop de loops up there in heaven! :)

shedding the cocoon

yesterday afternoon, i finally got the strength to do something i've been putting off for a while now.... i gave the bassinet away. :(

i remember waddling into the sears to buy it just a week or two before the paloma was born. the thin man picked it up and brought it upstairs. and as usual, i put it together. :)

i have so many fond memories of putting a sleeping paloma into it:



...and taking a screaming paloma out of it. no, i didn't forget.

it held porkchop for a little while, but we caved and let him sleep with us until he transitioned to the crib. six years later, the paloma was using it to play pretend mommy with her triplet, fraternal, multiracial baby dolls.



now, in the reality of the new (and much smaller) apartment, i was finally ready to give the bassinet to a family who could make new memories with it.

jeez. what's next? :')

happy 3rd *coughbelatedcough* birthday porkchop!

i'm stuck in christmas cards' newsletter writer's block limbo, so all i have to offer is the standard birthday meme to commemorate the porkchop's birthday which was on sunday, december 7th:

1) Go to Wikipedia
2) In the search box, type your birth month and day but not the year.
3) List three events that happened on your birthday
4) List two important birthdays and one death
5) One holiday or observance (if any)

i'm going to throw caution to the wind and name three of each since he turned three. it's a stretch i know.... :)

events:

1941 - World War II: Attack on Pearl Harbor - The Imperial Japanese Navy attacks the US Pacific Fleet and its defending Army Air Forces and Marine air forces at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. (coz no one ever gets it when i say, "a day that will live in infamy!")
1972 - Apollo 17, the last apollo moon mission is launched. (some people were born this year.)
2005 - Rigoberto Alpizar, a passenger on American Airlines Flight 924 who allegedly claimed to have a bomb, is shot and killed by a team of U.S. federal air marshals at Miami International Airport. (no idea this happened. i was under the influence of an epidural.)

birthdays: (define "important")

1910 - Louis Prima, American musician (d. 1978)
1949 - Tom Waits, American singer, composer, and actor
1966 - C. Thomas Howell, American actor

deaths: (this was all a stream of consciousness... de lesseps = realhousewives of nyc, graves = high school angst, scoggins = familiar childhood tv)

1894 - Ferdinand de Lesseps, French diplomat and entrepreneur (Suez Canal) (b. 1805)
1985 - Robert Graves, British author (b. 1895)
2004 - Jerry Scoggins, American singer (b. 1913)

holidays: (besides pearl harbor day)

Colombia - Día de las Velitas (Day of the Candles)
India - The Armed Forces Flag Day
International Civil Aviation Day

i woulda posted the links, but it's snack time and they're going to kill me if i don't get their veggie booty stat.

perspective from a bridge...

just an fyi - i have a new post up at filipina moms titled, "perspective from a bridge", about how i feebly manage to educate the kids about their filipino heritage... hope you like it. :)

btw - i had these really grand and delusional plans to publish another post (in addition to the filipina moms post) about today's adventures in potty training the porkchop... but after jumping (and jumping and jumping) in rain puddles (while walking for miiiiiiiiiiiles in search of aforementioned puddles) early this morning.... and then jumping into potty training.... and then trying to make dinner from a totally new recipe with a totally new grill pan, while simultaneously training the failing and fountainous, but smiley and jolly porkchop....

*waving white flag*

me tired. me go bed now.

fire bad. tree pretty. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

"Eye of Newt, and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat, and Tongue of Dog..."

first and foremost, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! :) (btw - i have pics up at flickr of the paloma in her costume, which i made... *patting self on back* ;) )

second, i have a new post up at chicagomomsblog called "Eye of Newt, and Toe of Frog, Wool of Bat, and Tongue of Dog...". MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

third, following is a random sampling (in no particular order) of what's been happenning over here in the past two weeks or so:

* the paloma and the porkchop both came down with croup.

* i came down with a bad cold.

* the thin man came down with laryngitis.

* after years of abuse, my glasses finally gave up the ghost. a screw came loose. a lens fell out. and now, i'm walking around with one lens in my busted set of eyeglasses. i'm SO not kidding.

* the thin man got laid off (boo!) and then got hired by someone else (yay!)

* we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary (10 years together - WOOT!) at coobah restaurant (think cuba, spain and brazil meet the philippines) which was EXCELLENT!!! except for when they turned on the baseball game on the widescreen tvs which were showing beautiful jellyfish when we first walked in .

* the paloma taught her preschool class what it means to be filipino american and how to count from 1 to 10 in tagalog.

* i made a tinkerbell costume for a doll (see flickr).

* i re-organized and de-cluttered the sewing rooms of two sewing friends.

* my brother in law and his lovely wife are new parents to a bouncing baby boy!

* my lovely in laws came for a visit.

* my poor mom came down with strep.

* i pulled the paloma out of a tumbling class when i realized that not only had her teacher insulted her by saying her shoes were the ugliest shoes he'd ever seen - that he'd also traumatized her... she couldn't stop talking or crying about it for days. i think she's finally over it.

* we picked out pumpkins at the children's farm together and carved them.

* i pimped out one of my best friends to one of the thin man's best friends. alcohol was involved. yes, they call me "yenta".


...and that's about it. :)

first day of summer vacation...

it's only 10:30 am and already i want to kill myself. there is NO WAY i will survive until september.... the epitaph on my headstone will read:

"here lies mamazilla, who lost her battle
with glitter glue and googly eyes"

UPDATE: after i wrote this post, i started thinking more about summer vacations past and wrote "what i did on my summer vacation" on chicagomomsblog.com

happy feet

i should preface this post by revealing that i, mamazilla, am a lapsed cradle catholic.

i'm lapsed in the sense that if i didn't dislike our parish church so much and if the kids didn't ride the thin man and myself like busted playground equipment during mass, we'd still be attending church for the next three nights (holy thursday, good friday, easter vigil) with easter sunday as a bonus. i'm not lapsed because i'm disillusioned about being catholic - i should be. there's plenty to be disillusioned about -but i'm not.

and tonight, i might've considered having my feet washed. that's right. this evening, catholics all around the world will be allowing others to wash their feet and will in turn wash someone elses. it's a symbolic gesture/ritual that we do to commemorate what jesus did at the last supper, teaching by example, a lesson about serving others and to allow others to serve you. and yes, i’ll spare you the sermon. 'cause god forbid, i mention easter and kids and being catholic or *shudder* christian in the same post. we're all raving homophobes and pro life vigilantes.

this made me reflect and think about humility and worth and teaching and service and how they are linked together. it reminds me of how much the paloma likes to be "of service" and how much like me she is in that way.

a week or so ago, i got the chance to volunteer to read to her classmates at her preschool for the day and "in appreciation", the paloma set up a tray for me with a vase of teeny silk flowers, a small porcelain teacup of water and a matching saucer of animal cookies with a napkin w/ napkin ring on the side. i know that the students are asked to do this by their teachers but she was REALLY happy to do it and she did went about her duty dilligently and with a true spirit of service. she walked over to me very slowly and carefully - something she NEVER does - and placed the tray in front of me very purposefully and said, "here mommy, i made this for you." i could've cried. instead, i stamped that memory in my head and made sure to thank her for all her hard work and for sharing me with her classmates. i can't wait to volunteer again.

i often joke to my childless friends about how thankless this parenting job is – much like other service jobs in restaurants, retail, waste management, construction, etc… that my employers (the paloma and the porkchop) pay me in desiccated cheerios and used diapers. unlike other jobs, i can’t apply for disability for back injury or deafness due to circumstances while on the job. i don't get vacation days or sick days and i can't quit. i just serve and serve everyday (which is why i didn't give anything up for lent. i'll admit it. i'm a little bitter).

i wish i could say that i love being a mother. i don't. i don't hate it. but i don't love it. i do however love my children. and there really isn't one single thing that keeps me going. throughout a day, i can think of little things, here or there, that get me through the next minute or hour. watching the paloma and the porkchop become more independent is one of those things.

this past weekend, we locked ourselves out of our garage. we had to break a window (a 3 x 2 pane) the ONLY other way into the garage. of course, neither the thin man nor myself could squeeze ourselves thru such a small hole. the paloma however would fit perfectly. i was against it from the start. i had visions of sleepless night after sleepless night, of nightmare fits about spiders, broken glass and dark holes. but, the thin man talked to her about it. showed her the window. showed her the car thru the window. explained to her what she needed to do, how she was helping us, etc.... i was so sure she wouldn't do it. i turned around to save the porkchop from another possible head injury and when i looked back, the paloma was gone. whoosh. lowered into the garage she went and thin man's head followed her. i ran to the big garage door just as she opened it with the remote. she was standing next to the car with a big goofy grin. and that night, no nightmares, no nothing.

today, the porkchop got away from me (again) and climbed up the first few steps to our second floor. i was sure he'd take a tumble coming down (again) but he actually got down on his belly and negotiated them with that handy reverse crawl. he got pretty confident and while i supervised nearby, tried it again and again, succeeding everytime with the same handful of steps.

there's something about them discovering their independence makes me proud of the work we've done and the time we've spent together to get where we are. but there is something about being needed by them that will always reverberate deep within me. i guess that's what keeps me going, being needed. being an essential.

so the rest of today (like all other days), is dedicated to serving them but, i think i'll try to encourage them to "serve" me too. i need them to know that they are essential to me. that i need them right back. maybe, we'll serve each other snacks at snack time. i know i'll get especially squeamish when the porkchop takes a goldfish out of his mouth and puts it in mine. but hey, it's just for today. then, she can pour some milk into his sippy cup. at bedtime, the paloma can help me with the porkchop's diaper and pajamas and maybe the porkchop can help the paloma with the toothpaste and the soap dispenser. i may even let them brush my teeth and "read" to me for a change.

it'll make for a long (and arduous) day for sure. but, their service and sacrifice is worth it.

walking unassisted

the paloma circa 2004 @ 14 mos


the porkchop circa 2006 @ 9 mos

sometimes, the thin man and i marvel at the paloma and the porkchop - about how quickly she started talking and how quickly he started walking... and now, i'm actually beginning to worry that they're getting that... spunk?... moxie?... gumption?... egads, aggression?... from me.

yesterday morning, i read a post called "transformations" over at chicago chick (who btw - is getting her family ready for the sale of their current condo and eventually the move into their new house, while weathering the plagues of financial hemorraging, physical torture and mental distress. hang in there, girl!).

anyway, in her post, she wrote something that has been on my mind ever since i read it:

"Yesterday I asked David if he loved me and he said that he loved me more lately. Of course I asked "Whaddaya mean LATELY?". His response was that he loved me more since I decided to become part of his marriage. Huh? He went on to explain that I am so independent that at times he didn't think I was his better half..... Maybe I'm mellowing out or maybe I'm just too tired to go the remainder of my life alone, but he's right. I am very independent and it will probably never change but I have learned to rely on him more."

coincidentally, i've been thinking a lot about my own independence (or lack thereof) and i just happened to flip thru a book of daily inspirations for the year (i've also been feeling a little uninspired as of late) and today, march 28, is devoted to "cultivating a self assured attitude". it says:

"....Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. Self assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and that you don't have to do it all by yourself..... When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not at all sure that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself...."

of course, when i read this i had a "yeah. no sh*t, sherlock." moment. but, then it hit me. i am really not as self assured as i think i am. i'm not as self assured as i used to be, even a year ago. sometimes, i think with each passing day, that i am becoming less and less self assured.

honestly, i've never assumed that i would always get what i needed. and i rarely feel that i am in the process of getting what i need.

i know intellectually that there are friends and family and sometimes even complete strangers who make themselves available to me for help. but i ALWAYS feel like i have to do it all by myself. i NEED to do things by myself. and i do this for two reasons 1) i don't want to feel like i owe anyone anything (even if it's a pair of marshmallow peeps). 2) i don't want to appear weak or inferior or disabled (looking the way i do, it's almost a given, as in - ("she MUST be disabled, just look at her").

as a child, i wanted to grow up fast for my mom. she never asked me to do so but i just knew, it was hard for her to be a single mom, to make enough money to keep us fed, clothed and sheltered. it was difficult for her to work so often and so dilligently and know that i almost always came home to an empty house. life was always especially tough when i got sick or when i was due for another operation. my mother used to scold me all time for trying to do everything too quickly and certainly before i was old enough to learn, or rather, NEEDED to learn life/survival skills that she, as an adult, took for granted. i didn't want her to think that i was "behind" the average child my age. i needed to show her that she wouldn't always have to look after me.

eventually, as a single adult, i fashioned a life for myself. and i mean "fashioned" in the truest sense. i dreamt it up and meticulously designed it. drafted the pattern. shopped for the finest materials and notions to lovingly create it - cut it out, sewed it up, made some alterations - and it fit me like a glove. and to the general public, it probably looked like most "haute couture" garments - unwearable, confining, impractical, eccentric, maybe even a little fugly. but it was my life. and it sounds weird, but i especially felt like i had finally released my mom from her responsiblities re: me. i was finally and happily the only one responsible for me.

everywhere i had lived, i had always made sure that i could live there on my terms. at the very least, i (as a single asian female) had to live somewhere that was within my means, relatively safe, had public transit and/or the random taxi nearby and a grocery store within walking distance.

now, i'm married and a mother and i've taken on the responsibilities of caring for three other precious lives outside of my own. and almost every other day, i feel like i've failed one of them, if not all of them. a few days ago, i told the thin man that recently i started feeling like i was working retail again. i feel that same obligation i felt at former mcjobs to always smile when customers were nearby. i don't want to feel this way around my family or friends. i find myself feeling isolated both physically and emotionally (which isn't really a stretch for someone as antisocial/shy as me but it's been BAD lately).

when we moved to our house and this neighborhood, it fit the above criteria - pretty much. but with time i realized the harsh reality is this:

i'm living in a house that although it is BEAUTIFUL is way too big for me to care for and by virtue of its age will probably always need something fixed or replaced or installed. our neighborhood, one of the handful of chicago "cop and firemen" neighborhoods, is very safe but because of it's troubled racial history feels strangely unpredictable and volatile to me. although i live close to the commuter train stop, i am at the mercy of the train's (sometimes hourly) schedule (not to mention, two dueling toddler nap schedules and the short, easily tired legs of a four year old). although we live in chicago, taxi cabs (and they are legion, prowling like sharks for chum) do not wander aimlessly this far south. we live very close to a really great local organic grocer but it doesn't stock EVERY SINGLE THING i need. a grocery run might actually include separate trips to the drugstore, the liquor store and the italian deli - which wouldn't be so bad if they weren't all located at the furthest corners of the neighborhood. and it's just plain hard to get groceries in the height of a midwestern subzero winter (or even an extra hot and humid summer) with two children.

as a stay at home mom to two children, it's no surprise that i should feel confined to my home. but as a stay at home mom who doesn't drive (literally scared sh*tless to drive & bad eyesight), i'm also confined to the perimeters of our neighborhood (but, i can only visit the same places a few times a week before i start to look like a would be mrs. robinson to all the would be benjamin braddocks' at the local borders bookstore and i can only buy so much yarn and knit a handful of projects before i start to resemble a reluctant bachelorette stereotype...)

so the bottom line is i'm left to rely on others pretty much ALL THE TIME. i have little to no independence of my own. i rely on the thin man or family or friends for errands i cannot complete. if neither the thin man nor i can get groceries, i rely on peapod to deliver. sometimes, we find that we don't have any fixings for a good dinner and so we have to order it up - there are very few restaurants in the neighborhood. and many of them don't deliver. although we have met with pediatricians down here, i make the majority of our ped appts with our northside office (who know our histories) and only on weekends, when the thin man's schedule can accomodate us. occasionally, i rely on neighbors to drive the paloma to school when the weather is too brutal to drag the porkchop out on the walk to and from preschool (twice). any other kind of retail shopping (therapy) or diversionary gallivanting has to be done in a neighboring south suburb or on the north side (which is infinitely prettier) and, if being done with children, needs the use of a car. and have ya seen the dan ryan expressway recently?

realistically, we can't move. we really can't afford to move anywhere else and where else COULD we move? this neighborhood, with its great schools, parks, inexpensive, abundant and architecturally diverse housing, fellow cool & hip transplanted neighbors is really perfect for a young family like ours. i know this intellectually. but emotionally, i am completely torn up about it. i have never in my life felt so useless, so worthless, so powerless... like i so often do now. i worry about how this is affecting my overall mental and physical health, each unique relationship i have - with my husband, my children, my family members and friends...

all of which makes for a very very unhappy, very uncertain mamazilla.

the mohawk is so five minutes ago...

bed head rules.

evolution, why have you forsaken me!?

so, we were asked out on a playdate friday afternoon... the plan was to drive over to the local mcdonalds playland/playplace have lunch, let the kids run around a bit, yada yada yada... well, unbeknownst to us... chicago public school had the day OFF.

so? SO!? so EVERY OTHER MOM IN THE AREA had the same idea!

what they don't tell you is when you enter a mcdonalds playplace, all children flip an internal switch and move at lightspeed. the paloma was one of a ZILLION screaming, blurry horizontal stripes of pink. i was constantly trying to keep track of her to no avail. finally, at one point, she made her way to the tippy top of the behemoth vinyl, foam and mesh climbing structure and realized she was too afraid to come down and wouldn't stop screaming about it until i shimmied my fat *ss all the way up there to get her...

it was not pretty. then, i released her back on terra firma where she was resumed her screaming, fast moving pink stripeness again...

OH EVOLUTION! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME!?





y'know. eight arms woulda come in handy too...

and on a related humorous note - who has this phone? HOW COOL ARE YOU!?

forget-me-not

the porkchop hides crayons in my oven mitts.